Am I Creating a SSM Part IV

[heatherg]

Burgbud: Somebody needs to explain "sunk costs" to that boy.

Since I was a Finance major, I'd be great at explaining the concept, but something tells me he wouldn't be all that receptive to hearing it from me

Karen: Heather, you may have had the A but that doesn't make you solely responsible for the issues in the relationship. I hope you know that. And just because you had the A doesn't mean you have to stick it out if it doesn't get better.

I know I'm not solely responsible, but there's no doubt that the A created a lot of problems. I know it's not all my fault, but I also know that I've crossed a line that should never be crossed. Where we go from here is the problem. Focusing on my indiscretion does no one any good, but letting it go makes H feel as though I 'got away with it'. The wound is healing for me though, I wish I could say the same for H.

Mojo: I think the relevant issue is that two years should be too long for Heather to go without forgiving herself. Tough though. Either you have to be truly confident that you have done some work and grown and changed enough to never be the person who behaved in that way again or else you just have to let the years slide by until you can finally forgive yourself in the way that we all forgive ourselves eventually for things we did when we were quite young by thinking "I didn't know any better.".


I waver with forgiveness. Some days I feel like I have forgiven myself...other days someone will say something to me that will result in my feeling like I don't deserve to be forgiven, like I haven't earned it yet. Time really does heal most wounds and as time passes, it has given me perspective. I have grown and I continue to walk the path of self development. One of the things I've learned is never to say never. Never think you're 'above' making a mistake as major as the one I made. I already thought I would never betray my H. Guess what? I did. So, although I've grown tremendously, I don't pride myself on being someone who 'could never behave that way again'. I just know that I have the self awareness and the knowledge of the pain mistakes like that cause.

Chrome: I know I haven't mastered the biological side of R's yet, so please take this with a little more skepticism than you might ordinary advice. I just hope I can give a different perspective for you to think about it.

That is a perspective I hadn't thought about. Thanks for mentioning it.

Blackfoot: He has said he is not riding in the truck. Period. Why in the world would you force this on him? Why couldnt you take the other car to work today?
You need to figure out why you have the need to keep escalating and testing his boundaries and creating more drama.

I didn't push it. I gave him a choice. Ride in my truck or take a cab. I didn't take the other truck to work today because I didn't want to, quite simply. I wasn't asked if I would switch trucks and come pick him up. It was expected. I'm not trying to escalate, although I see that could be a side effect. I simply am no longer willing to sacrifice my integrity to remain in this marriage.

Blackfoot: If I was your H I would have probably taken your truck out to the desert and blown it up. Im not kidding.

Where were we, ah yes, escalation wasn't it??!!

Blackfoot: So now his reception from being away is what? pleasant? receptive? How is it giving? Is it making a deposit or taking out another one?

Taking out another one. I see your point. I tried to make up for it in other ways, like being extra pleasant, telling him I was glad he was home, etc. It seems to have worked, as we are getting along now and we have been having normal conversations.

Blackfoot: You arent sure that things will ever get better. Your H isnt sure that you are going to stick around, or worse yet, run off and be with another, OM. You both even tell each other you are only there because of the kids. How does this activity make each other feel important?

Granted, it doesn't. I personally would just like to acknowledge that although that's how things are now, I want to work on making them better. But I'm pretty over the whole staying stuck and wallowing in our pain thing. I'm not willing to participate in that crap anymore. You wanna talk about it, get it out, ask me questions? I'm game for that. But cut out the crap. That's sort of my stance and I'm no longer willing to waver on it. That's it. It's not that I don't have empathy for the pain I've caused, I do. *But* it's time to either move forward or get out.

Blackfoot: Personally, I think you are committed. You just think it will remove all your power, all of your barganing ability if you admit that. I disagree with your feeling on this.

I am not committed to the M the way it is. I am committed to making things better. If he joins me in that, then eventually I'll be able to say I'm committed to the M. But I can't say at this point, that I'll stay no matter what.

Blackfoot: There is nobody more differentiated then a person having an affair.

I disagree. If I told you I had an A because I wanted H's attention, which may be somewhat true, would you say that's a differentiated stance?

Blackfoot: The 5 month sexual drought is your choice heather. You are using his bad behavior as an excuse to 'punish' him. The horse whisper Gel would not approve.

You're right, it was my choice. I've told myself the same thing whenever I start to feel sorry for myself. I said "No sex if you choose to leave the bed afterward and/or refuse to kiss me during ML". That doesn't mean I choose no sex for the rest of my life. If it comes to that point, it will be another reason to separate. Am I using his bad behavior as an excuse to punish him? No, like the couples in Passionate Marriage, I'm choosing to say 'No more sex without intimacy'. Same thing. As far as others not approving, well, I'm not here for approval anymore. I was in the beginning, but I am moving past that. I am here because I like to get different perspectives and ideas from people who've been down similar paths. I think you are all highly intelligent people and I value each of your opinions and persepectives. But your approval? Not so much anymore.

Blackfoot: So far all of your boundaries are fake and an attempt to force him into some sort of behavior.
How is this working out for you?

Every boundary results in a two choice dilemma. See? I've been reading! Yes, in order to continue in this R with me, H will have to change his behavior. Or I will leave. How is it working for me? It's an uphill battle, like none I've ever seen. Some days it feels hopeless, other days I think I see change. Like I said above, the passage of time has given me some perspective on my situation and when I look back over where we've been....things have definitely changed. And I feel confident that once H knows he can't affect me the way he intends with his passive aggressive behavior, it will stop. Already, the ignoring has only been minimal. It doesn't last anymore like it used to.

What needs to be done.

Focus on the good.
Accept.
show appreciation and deliver words of admiration. Sincerely. When appropriate. Often. Not as a form of flattery to get what you want. Im betting he is savvier then that anyways.

I'll work on this in all the areas that I can. I will. Thanks.

Blackfoot: Dont tell me how to parse my metaphors. If you dont like my style, (which is treat everyone the same. just like sh!t.) tell me to stay our of your thread. That is a boundary. Put swiss cheese in front of me and Ill slice it and put it on a cracker.

Well, if you want to treat everyone like sh!t, that's your choice. Just know, you get what you give in this life. I didn't feel like you treated me like sh!t. I see that you are blunt in your opinions and I find it fun to challenge you and banter with you. You can parse your metaphors any way you want, and please expect the same in return

Sincerely,
Heather