I once told my H that birthdays and our anniversary are the 2 dates that I would like for him to remember (and since then, the boys' birthdays as well) and although one year I go an electric griddle and a work out outfit....(?)
So far he has not let one pass. Have not faced a birthday yet (his or mine) I have to admit I did not want ANY part of our anniversary this year-I couldn't even bring myself to say the words "Happy Anniversary" to him on that day-I just mumbled a "you too" or something. I was very angry with him and just didn't feel married anymore-why celebrate such a lie? I used to think it was the happiest day of my life (save the birth of my boys) but now it was all a lie. I even sort of resented his mushy-I love you forever-card....like, sure, uh-huh...not buying it.
Your wife is angry, she called you to bitch at you-on your birthday-which trust me she has NOT forgotten about. I think she just wanted to 'get you goin' know what I mean? To punish you. Good for you for not letting her see she got to you.
I am sure there is a fair amount of guilt she is feeling too-she tried to pick a fight with you to make herself feel better about feeling crappy. Maybe trying to shift the blame on you for her foul mood (?)
Anyway-I'm glad your buddy took you out. I agree with you that you should let it go and not bring it up to her because like I said-she darn well remembers and it will just cause more friction (now anyway) if you say something....and although it's sh*tty of her to blow it off like that, being the bigger person here and letting it go is the healthy thing to do.
L
p.s. So...what's the craziest birthday gift anyone out there has ever gotten? I'm still cracking up over the electric griddle and work-out outfit...
'thanks honey-not only am I FAT but I can't COOK either!!!!'
Mike, Seems like W is angry at your sudden withdrawl from providing. This could go either way, but I agree that you should wait it out a bit and see if she starts to think.
Don't be dark, just dim. That means unavailable to help her with her daily life. Don't neglect the kiddes though. Make sure you sound happy when you see or talk to her. If she questions you, tell her you been busy getting your own life on track. Perhaps you can join a new club or activity.
Hang in there buddy and happy birthday.
Oh ya, lose the anger and resentment. It ain't over, you just had a setback.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 06-13-2001).]
Hey Gang, I guess the weather is nice and everyone is trying to enjoy life. For some reason I feel like I am out on a space walk and got untethered. I have been trying to keep up the balancing act of being in the proximity of my W but at the same time stepping out of the pursuer role. I need help! I have stopped initiating phone calls, I have stopped the initiating the OR talks, She has continued to call, I am working on not really giving her to much personal info. There are some indications that this might be helping. she invited me out to her aunt's barbeque on fathers day, we had a good time. Even though earlier that same day I felt I was inches from telling her that I don't want to be around you anymore this little game has to stop. I did'nt because I had an opportunity to talk to a good buddy of mine before I went to the que (he is going through a similar situation) so I was able to vent. To make things more diffcult I just finished reading Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and now I am throughly confused. Am I suppose to force a confrontation or crisis as he calls it. Should I say I love you, but either you make a decision concerning us moving back together or forget the whole thing. Am I or are we even in a reconciliation mode or is she just stringing me along because she is having her cake and eating it too, or is she waiting for me to pull the plug so she won't have to be responsible for that too. What the hell is going on I AM IN A PERSONAL CRISIS AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. PLEASE HELP!
P.S. is this what they mean by the phrase coming unglued?
Mike, Don't go south on us now buddy. I think Dobson's book is good advice for those in the middle of flaunting an affair at their spouse or those who just can't go on anymore. Decide if you fit the bill. If you think you do, take a vacation and think about it some more. His approach is the LRT of LRT's. After you make that threat, there is no turning back.
Get away and try to get a grip on your emotions. What's the hurry. Let some of the crap around the house go to hell for a while and let W deal with it.
You admit that the dim act may be having some positive affect yet you seem to be in a hurry. Was up with dat? If you beleive she is stringing you along, start cutting back on what you do for her and how much you are around. Start taking the kids on outings without inviting W. Do something, anything to show her you are moving forward with your life and distancing yourself from her.
i gotta tell you. The last couple of days my W has been snoopin some herself. She questioned my reduced pressure on her for sex and noticed that I opened an MSN account(snoop proof). She also deleted her personal yahoo account (again snoop proof) account at the same time. Last night she started prying a bit. I gotta admit it feels kinda good. I don't think she believes me when I say I'll never leave her or dishonor my vows. I think she may be worried.
What I'm trying to say is start playing the pursuer/distancer dynamic a little more. Try various distancing techniques to see which ones have a positive affect.
You did not seem to be in LRT mode until the pajama incident. Let it go and move forward with the process. What better do you have to do?
Well the cat's finally out the bag and as i suspected my wife was having an or should i say 2 affairs before and sometime during our separation. I was finishing up fixing the computer she swapped out for the one at the store and as i was saving files i needed for the store ( this was the original business computer) I opened a file that was just labeled with some letters not knowing what it was i opened it and it was a diary of sorts that clearly listed that she had been with 2 men since our marriage and separation. She called right after i read this and told me my daughters grades were there. I confronted her when i got there i told her that i was saddened and hurt. which lead to a conversation that i don't know if we should have had. the d word came up and at one point she said she would file, i told her to do what ever she thinks is best but if there was any hope of our relationship lasting that kind of behavior would not be tolerated, that as painful as it might be i would definitely want and take measures to have her out of my life as much as humanly possible and she wanted to talk more. I messed up by telling her that i was tired of things the way they are and that she was free to do as she pleased. She said she feels that i am pressuring her to make a decision (a diversionary tactic at best), "if i have to make a decision now i would have to opt for divorce".I said fine. then she got dramatic and said she would make a decision and let me know tomorrow,then she explained that she thinks i have asked her to make a decision on my moving back and i want a date to do so. WRONG! So things are up in the air again. I need your experience,strength, and hope. We did have a little further dialogue and it was all very civil. mike g
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-19-2001).]
Mike, Damn those computer files. I can relate to your pain. I hope your doing OK.
I have to say that your beleif was correct about the having her cake and eating it to.
Hate to say it bud, but you got some thinkin to do. I would go as dark as possible on her. I would help her with NOTHING(my opinion). When you have the kids, take them elsewhere. Time to decide if you care to wait any longer or do an LRT by filing. Perhaps complete darkness to her would be a good place to start. It will give you some time to get a grip again. Breeze through the DB book again to see if there is anything left for you.
I'll say a prayer for you.
You may still wish to consider moving home against her wishes. It could help force the issue if that is what you want.
thanks kent, i think i'm ok, but i better put this ginsu knife back in the kitchen where it belongs, it mysteriously appeared here on the table when i got home last night. I would like to hear some other views and opinions, they really help me get a well rounded set of options to think about. Man, I guess God was preparing me for this. I felt an urgency to read Dobson an I'll be darned if it wasn't just what I needed.
Mike - Sorry everything's gone to crap, it sometimes happens in a hurry.
I totally agree with Kent, total darknes for a while. You need to get your head in a better place before you start reacting without thinking. Do this for yourself.
Dobson's book is great, presents some great options. I would suggest you do yourself a favor, and digest these concepts for a while. His presentation is fairly generic, and I can't see how it would fit every situation perfectly. Take some time to adapt it to YOUR life and situation. Re-read DB (once or twice), THEN pick up Dobson's book and re-read that. As Kent says, this is the LRT of LRT's. Make sure that's what you want, and make sure you do it right for you.
Good luck, buddy. Hang in there. Back way off and recenter yourself.
JJ
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Mike! Believe it or not your discovery can have a positive effect.Affairs lose there appeal,when there is no longer secrecy.You were right to confront W w evidence.Now, drop it and "go dark" as Kent as suggested. I don't think your W wants a D. If you leave all the moves to her,she will do nothing. At least you have an explanantion for her inability to resolve things in your marriage.She has "hit the wall" now..let's see what happens. Come here for support,this behavior is typical of MLCer's.Stay strong,this is NOT about you ,your W has PROBLEMS!!! Take care of yourself, Jenny
