Hey how's everyone, well here's the scoop; I have been spending time with the family at the family house. I spent the night weds. to help facilitate attending my youngest daughter's graduation from kindergarten and to get the wife's car fixed. That all went real well. Thursday, I picked up a friend of mine and took him to my store to go over some improvements i am employing him to make in the store (he's a carpenter). My wife calls me at the store and says she is going to stop by which she does right around the time I need to take my friend back home. when she arrives she ask me could i meet her at the house to unload a large TV she had in the car. I say ok and asked her if she'd mind my friend taking a look at the kitchen floor (needs retiling) and the basement (needs room built for my oldest daughter) (both my wife's suggestions). Well, when my friend got there we talked, he took measurements and i asked him to contact me later with a price. while he took measurements i noticed my wife sitting in the other room and i asked if she was ok and she said yes. later that evening i asked her what did she think of my friend (She has heard about my lifelong childhood friend for 5 years and finally met him). She said she liked him and then asked about the price of the work and I told her it would be minimal and that was the end of that. Until later that night, she had to run an errand and left me with the kids who i bathed and got ready for bed. when she returned i had on my pajamas. She didn't say anything she put on her night clothes and did some final straightening up came in the den with me where i was struggling with loading "windows me" (loaded it over 98-mistake! keep getting internet explorer scripting error on start up and windows me first use video won't play), my wife sat down and blankly asked me are you spending the night, I said i planned too, misha (my 5 year old daughter) asked me too, is it ok with you? then she asked are you moving in. I told her I did'nt know how to answer that other than if you are inviting me to move in because i would never think about trying to move in just because I wanted to. Then she went on to drag up a lot of old sh-- which culminated with she feels pressured when i ask her about moving in. I pointed out that I did'nt ask, and that my friend coming by was a matter of convenice not plan. Then she got off into her "I'm not ready to move back together right now i don't want to relinquish my space, etc. and i'm not sure that the way i love you is the kind of love that can sustain a lasting marriage relationship (RELAPSE, had'nt heard this for a while after her sharing her revelations of a more realistic view of love.) I don't necessarily want a divorce but if you have decisions that you have to make i understand." I said sometimes i feel that you want me to end the relationship, are you scared to do that. Her reply was i'm not scared of anything. Any way to make a long story longer. I told her that as soon as i finished loading the software i was going to leave she said i'm not putting you out you don't have to leave. the culmination was: I said "the bottom line is you are not ready for us to move back together is that correct? She said yes, I said I am not leaving because i am mad because what you said changed nothing, when i came here today you weren't ready for us to move back in together. I refuse to let my emotions rule my life the only thing I know how to do is to continue loving you and my family until either one morning i wake up and my heart tells me to move on, or God places another women in my life that I know is sent for me. So after a while I left - with a whole bunch of feelings that I am trying to deal with now! I feel like I want to give up, I feel like I want to run and go completely dark, I feel like I want a divorce in order to move on, I feel like i want to write her a letter which i have started, but won't deliver unless advised otherwise, I feel hurt, used, unloved, and unappreciated. I feel angry, did I say hurt. People I needs you now, talk to me.
Are ya sure she was'nt havin a bad day? Did she sense your pursuit(your jammeys) and strike back?
It's important that you take evasive action on the bad feelings you have right now. Go dim for a while to get it togather.
You decide when enough is enough. One thing I sense is that you are making things a bit cozy for W. Taking care of the house problems should belong in her court. Stop being so damn accomodating.
If it were me, I would give serious consideration to moving home to force the issue. However, this is your lif, not mine.
kent, i figure i need to stick to the basics, go dim and detach. It kind of just struck me that as long as I allow this to go on it will. I am allowing her to be in the cat birds seat. I'm going to give it a couple more months and then it maybe time for LRT. I might file for divorce, i'm tired.
Stop being there to take care of everything all the time. She has the best of all worlds. An H to take care of everything and then you turn into a pizza and a six pack. We used to call it a cinderella 10.
Mike, It seems you continue to place yourself in the role of pursuer,which your W interprets as your trying to control her.
I agree that you are overdoing it in being so available and by anticipating her every need. The woman is not given a chance to handle anything herself and as a result remains unsteady as to what she really wants.
Your putting on your PJ's was a passive aggressive move on your part and it obviously upset her.In my opinion if you "force the issue" and move back home before she is ready you will get a similar response,magnified 100 X's.
Her attraction toward you and the love that is under the surface needs to be re-ignited by your distancing yourself in various ways. It's a dance..."one step forward and two steps back".
Mike, I think you easily overpower your wife and she is terrified. This is about control.
I know how very hurt you are over her behavior and lack of positive feedback re all your efforts to take care of the house and kids. Remember,she is sufferring emotionally.Don't personalize anything she says !
Detach and and let her have a chance to "find you" again!
Don't give up..your marriage and family is worth it! Please read the DB book again as well as the Mars/Venus book. I understand fully how frustrated you are..I've been in your position and been treated in a similar fashion.My H finally came out of it when I gave him the chance to miss me and everything I had to offer.
Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 06-10-2001).]
since our last little incident my wick has been burning out slowly (going Dim), I have been slow to return calls (turning my phone off)and not initiating any calls. yesterday morning (SAT.) when i turned on my phone i saw she had called a couple of times. later she caught me with the phone on and hit me on the two way (nextel)since I was in a resturant and had taken a call since the day before I took it and she asked where i was and what i was doing. I told her I was on my way to open the store. she asked if I could put a sign in the window and take little Mikal to the barber shop. I told her no, she asked for an explaination to which i replied, because i have a life that comes with responsibilities just like everyone else's. She went into hysterics, it was ugly. I told her NO again, firmly and she told me it was my responsiblity, I corrected her, she threatened me by saying she would make her intentions clear from now on (incinuating she wanted this relationship to be over). I told her that does'nt change a thing "not gonna do it and the conversation is over; if i have anything of yours let me know and please feel free to come get it, good bye. Later she called back I told her that I didn't appreciate her lack respect and the fact that she can not continue use stress as an excuse to act inappropriately, she apologized. She called me later to let me know i needed to get the tickets for the recital which she had. I told her It would be after midnight ( I work a part time weekend Job) She said in a very up beat way, oh, that will be ok. Stopped by she opened the door and walked in and sat down ( this is her i want to talk posture). I took the tickets and headed back toward the door. She stopped me and asked several questions I listened, answered and left. WELL TODAY WAS THE DAY OF MISHA'S FIRST DANCE RECITAL. The W and I along with 15 other family members (all on her side) were together all day. It was a beautiful thing. The recital was held at Navy Pier's Skyline Theater (Chicago). We then had dinner at Bubba Gumps Shrimp House. The day went very well. my son wanted to ride with me afterwards which meant I had to drop him off at my wife's place. When I got there she was very relaxed we sat on the porch and talked for about 30 or 40 minutes no OR, just stuff about the day, the store, etc. I did ask her what her plans where for the upcoming few weeks since her schedule changes as a result of school being out. She said spending a lot of time with the Kids, cleaning up and spending time at the store. It felt GOOD JUST TO HAVE SOME TIME SEMI ALONE, but I hear you Kent, I have to incorporate this distancing thing into the fabric of this relationship in order for it to begin to stabilize. JENNY I feel your comments are right on the money, what were some ways you let him miss you; thanks more COMMENTS PLEASE.
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-11-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-11-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-11-2001).]
Today is my Birthday (6-12-01), My W has called me twice. The first time to B---- me out about her not being able to contact me yesterday (I just did'nt feel up to dealing with her). The second time to ask me to either come over and fix her computer or meet her at the store to let her swap computers. I agreed to neither, told her to call the person working and ask them to wait for her to bring one computer and do the swap out. Well, to make a long story short she has not wished me happy birthday or even acknowledged my birthday. This type of things makes me feel that she really doesn't love me and maybe I should get ta steppin'. Birthdays and the like are really big deals to her and her family and they just don't forget those type of things. However, a friend of mine who is going through a separation did take me to see the movie Swordfish, it was great. My mother also cooked me a very nice dinner with cheese and louisana crunch cake, yummy. whadda ya think, I should just blow it off, Huh,
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-13-2001).]
