Okay, hot tub, vino, beer, champagne fountain, martini bar, cigar humidor, mood music, satin slip cover for futon. We need a budget and shopping trip to obtain the supplies!
MikeG (sorry for getting your thread a little off track.) You have some valid concerns about cooking, cleaning, and parenting responsibilities that you said previously lead to some codependencies. Granted W has plenty going on with working and going to school full time but she still needs to share in the responsibilities – because you need her to. It’s too much for one spouse to handle, I know from when my H traveled. Before you go back home, talk with W and list what needs to be done and who will do what and write down your plan. Work your plan for a few weeks then sit down together again and discuss how it’s going and modify, as needed.
All the best,
Violet
[This message has been edited by Violet (edited 05-23-2001).]
thank you for your suggestion concerning sharing the work load. It is a major concern because although my W did absolutely nothing for a year she went into consuling talking like she did everything and i did nothing. Not to mention the fact that while I was the only one housekeeping and working fulltime (we both worked) she constantly complained about the house work I did. So yes, this is something that we will have to discuss. Oh yea, I almost forgot she didn't do anything but she also had problems with me asking or telling my daughter to perform household chores. Well I said to me "thanks for cheering me up!"
Not sure why your W would have a problem with you involving D with chores. All kids need chores to instill a sense of responsibility and to give them a chance to contribute in some way to the family. The word parent comes from some Latin word that means "to teach." As parents, we are their primary educators and most important teachers. We need to teach'em how to be independent so they can eventually take care of themselves. Remember that saying about teaching someone to fish versus giving them a fish?!
When you have your household discussion with your W, find out what she thinks D is capable of in terms of chores. Then talk to your D. Be positive and look for a win/win solution for all.
hey violet, Plain old control issues is my guess. She would insist that i did'nt do anything and made my daughter do everything. My W had and still has a tendency to see things like she wants too as opposed to how they actually are. My daughter took it upon herself to help as much as possible because she was old enough to see and resent what was going on. She knew for at least a year just like i did that it was just me, her and the kids.
Since our bomb, I've learned to let go of many things and to give up control in order to free myself. Sometimes I make suggestions but my H now knows that I want his input and am open to discussion. We decide things together and have fallen into a good pattern of talking after dinner. We sit at the kitchen table and have dessert without the kids. I'm finding that the more I loosen up the more responsive H is to me and I am much happier. WE are much happier!
VIOLET, Thank you very much for your last reply. I have been preoccupied with trying to make a living, you know what I mean. Where do I start? OK, last weekend was very difficult, my W and I were just not on the same page. Very honestly, it was probably my fault. However, I am sure I felt my W distancing. I think I became a little needy last weekend; In the sense that I was longing for the joyful banter and loving conversations that we had been sharing for the last two or three weeks. So I kinda probed to find out what was going on with the "dead pan" and it caused friction. Then I started looping and she jumped right in, Damn, just like the old days. We did try to salvage the weekend and get back on the right track. I stopped by late sunday evening and after some pretty akward silence we just talked especially after little Mikal cut his foot pretty bad on a hot wheel car. Good thing i was there or my wife would have called me from the emergency room, she can't handle her children bleeding, period. In retrospect, she was and still is probably exhausted after her finals and since she works for the public school system she is the keystone for setting up all the logistics for trips, luncheons, graduations and the like, so she is still running. Moving back in has not come up since our decision two weeks ago to start making the changes to the house in about two weeks or so. I am being patience, I think, and do not intend to mention the move unless it is mentioned to me. Do you think this is a good strategy? I really miss my children and sometimes feel cheated that i am not living with them, they need me. I WANNA GO HOME! [This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-02-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-02-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 06-02-2001).]
Mike, ******************************************* So I kinda probed to find out what was going on with the "dead pan" and it caused friction. Then I started looping and she jumped right in, Damn, just like the old days. ******************************************* Well now you know that his approach does'nt work!
You also know that pursuit does not work.
So what are you going to try that does work?
I don't like it any better than you Mike, but the distance/pusuit dynamic is real in both our situations. It's time for you to accept it and start fine tuning your use of this knowledge.
Example: After your little slip up you would realize the mistake and say " Sorry hun, not sure what got into me" and then follow up with a " I need to leave", then leave her with a hug and her own thoughts. This is known as distancing.
I know you don't like it. I know you wanna go home. You could keep playing this game of pursuer forever without getting there.
Pursuit does not work. Also, what are you doing trying to drag her out of her cave. Don't you know what to expect from a cornered animal?
Don't let your intense desire to go home start guiding your moves.
My advice: hire a cleaning service to clean your house once a week or every other week. Do not let housework break up your marriage. If you can afford a separate apt for yourself right now, then you can afford a cleaning service when you move back in with your W. Do not have the service clean kids' rooms if you want them to take responsibility for this themselves.
I have seen many marriages founder on the subject of housework and to my mind, it simply is not worth fighting over.
Franny
[This message has been edited by Franny (edited 06-04-2001).]
You’re finding out what works and what doesn’t and learning from it – and that’s a good thing. That’s great that you had 2 or 3 weeks of joyful banter and loving conversations.
What will you do next time when you’re feeling needy? Something good for yourself, I hope. That will give W some time to be in her cave alone. Her being in the cave might not have anything to do with you, remember that. After you distance yourself for a bit, what can you do to draw her out?
W sounds really busy and has lots on her plate and it’s good that you recognize that. Maybe you could ask for small bits of her time and do something with her that’s fun or relaxing. For example, I’ve been asking H for 15 minutes of his time. I played some songs I like on a new CD for him and we held hands, I invited him out on the porch to have a beer and watch the sunset, I asked him for a 5-minute back rub and then I rubbed his for 10, we held hands and went for a walk. I stick to the 15 minutes and we laugh when the time’s up.
Your strategy about moving home sounds good. With finals over and W’s job at school winding down, she might need to catch her breath before she can focus on the move. You’re right to be patient!
and do not intend to mention the move unless it is mentioned to me. Do you think this is a good strategy? I really miss my children and sometimes feel cheated that i am not living with them, they need me. I WANNA GO HOME! 