HEY GANG, This is my first post in this forum. Prior to this I was posting in the 180 forum. since then things have changed considerably. My W and I agree that Divorce is no longer an option. I am spending so much time with her and my family i am wondering why i don't have keys. Yet I am very careful not to make it an issue. We have discussed it a few times and she says she doesn't know what the hold up is, she doesn't know whether shes confused or stubborn. She asks me to stay over two to three nights per week. Last night she brought up the subject and talked about about her feelings surrounding the issue of us living together and offered a tenative solution which has to do with me staying with her for a week then at my place for a week, staying with her for two weeks and then at my place two weeks, etc. She made it very clear that this was not a permenant nor the best solution but a starting place. Then she talked about space and solitude in relation to us moving back together. I basically told her that i understood because i have some of the same feelings after living separated for 7 months. I also said these are some of the challeges of married life and we are probably not the only couple that goes through this. I feel that i may benefit from some guidance and suggestions from those of you who may have experienced this stage of reconciliation. I just finished reading "Should I stay or should I Go" I didn't get a whole lot out of it probably because of the stage of our separation. I am so close i would hate to blow it now. Peace!
That is great new! I remember reading alot of your posts around Christmas time when you thought things were looking better, but weren't sure. What do you think the key factors in your success were/are?
MF, I believe the things that have allowed my W and I to get to the place we are now, is in my opinion, the power of pray and the communications strategies employed by the "as if" technique, the 180, and plain ole' staying out the way. Please let me say that things are better but nothing is to be taken for granted. I realize more than ever the need to continue to implement the changes that were acquired during the use of the DB concepts.
Kent, good to hear from you and thank you very much!
Congratulations on your success! You have made positive steps toward complete reconciliation.However,as you have so aptly pointed out,you must continue to use DB techniques.Keep at it it works.
The key issue is symbolic of a power struggle..a control issue.When you are in a tug of war over something,just drop the rope and watch what happens. The real gains are in the fact that your wife wants you back at home,albeit on a gradual basis.
Don't ask for the key...forget about it!It's only a small piece of metal that opens a physical lock.Mike,what you are working on is so much more important.It's the key to her heart and it sounds like she is offering it to you.
Make the time you do spend with her count and when you move back to your place make her miss you,by lovingly distancing.
In my case the period of fragile but,"budding" togetherness lasted about 6-8 months,before my H finally declared a commitment to our marriage.It had to happen when he was ready and compelled to pledge his love to me without any insistance on my part.
Mike,someone gave me this advice when I was in circumstances similar to yours:"It's like catching a fish.Don't try to reel him in too soon"! I assure you I had to pull back and "cast my line" several times,before I got the hang of it!
You are doing a great job of saving your marriage....you will be a sucess story soon.
Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 03-18-2001).]
17BAKER445, I really appreciate your post thank you for the insight and support. your experience is something that i am inclined to rely on heavily during this period.
KENT, That is a very good question and honestly speaking, less than what I had been doing to get to this point. Thanks for the pull up. I think I need to get back into my life just a little more. sometimes I think that allowing my wife to have constant access to me is something that might prolong this process,however, I do want to let her know that i am there for her and the children, in my book action speaks louder than words, any thoughts?
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 03-19-2001).]
[This message has been edited by MIKEG (edited 03-19-2001).]
My situation is different from yours but I wanted to express how happy I am for you! I understand your desire to proceed carefully and thoughtfully. You have negotiated a situation that in many ways was more difficult than mine. I applaude you and will keep you in my thoughts.
***************************************** in my book action speaks louder than words *****************************************
You said a mouthful. Remember, what is good for the gander is good for the goose. W will need to see you having fun again. She needs to see that you are loosening up a bit. Nobody can live on the edge of fear forever.
WELL GANG IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SO LET RECAP SHALL WE ? My wife and I are no longer talking about divorce, things have been relatively good I have been spending the night on a pretty regular basis. She readily refers to herself as my wife (all improvements). Wife states she is uncomfortable with setting goals and benchmarks as we learned in counseling. Says it makes her feel confined she just wants us to get back together naturally. OK, i get tired of feeling strung along so i go dark after a dispute about her going on vacation and not spending the week with the kids. She panics call every 5 minutes for days. Says she thinks i'm with another woman and begs me to spend the night every night i decline and honestly tell her that it has produced feelings in me every since my daughter visited me a my parents house and said this is nanny's house (my Mom), we live in mommy's house, so daddy you don't have a house do you? I feel that my wife is really exercising her control issues. During my dark stage she brings up the subject of moving back in, and starts making plans. We decided it's time to talk i go by to pick up the kids as i do every sunday. the kids go outside, i ask her to take off her clothes and we're all over the floor (first time in months) later i explain my feelings concerning going dark tell her that i love her and the kids. now it's seems she is secure and the moving back in talks have been suspended (classic pursuer - distancer relationship?) just yesterday when asked does she or dose'nt she want us to move back together all of the sudden she's in the middle again. i am tired please help me. Is it or is it not going to happen. i am considering going dark again and staying there until she cries uncle or forget it. as you can see i need a steady hand to talk me down. I am experiencing anger also. HELP!
