It sounds like you are loving your H from afar so that you can be sure you're taking good care of yourself. I've learned, through hind sight, that this is because it can take a very long time to rebuild trust after an affair. It has helped us for each to give the other very specific things that we can do to help each other feel better. My H's requests usually boil down to me giving him resounding reassurance that I'm not going to give up on him and that whether from afar or close up, I love him. Mine boil down to him showing me that he can be trusted. Anything that even slightly makes me feel that he may not be forthcoming makes me step back (which I need to learn to do more gracefully ). I'm starting to figure out that this is a perfectly healthy response that is important for me to honor within myself. Getting clear on my instinct being correct and regaining my confidence in this regard helps me tremendously. I loose my finesse when I'm confused. When I'm confident I'm very graceful, kind, matter of fact, and (my H's favorite) calm.
Yes the #1 thing you want to do is believe in yourself again. But I've learned that it is important to start believeing in my H again, as he earns it, and with me being a bit generous. These guys do need to get credit where credit is due even if it's in a tiny area. You have to find some flame, spark to fan. It works like Tom Hanks starting the fire in Cast Away. Did you see that?
Nope, sorry, didn't get to see that one yet (2 young kids) but my mom saw it and said it was GREAT. H's job has had him working just about every weekend since Dec...nice thing tho-he asks us to accompany him-and we have been going with him just about every weekend....we all went to Atlantic City last weekend for a conference. We have planned a weekend in May, my mom offered to watch the kids for a weekend away for our anniversary (just H and me). H is working 3 of 4 weekends this month alone, and we're going to visit family over Easter....
I do give H credit, it was really hard for him to admit to me what he'd done especially knowing that I'd always said 'if you cheat-I'm gone'. I am not sure he would ever have told me if I had not found out...he said he was so afraid of losing me...he was/is racked with guilt, depressed, anxious, nervous, having trouble sleeping and eating, he was miserable and now that it's out he feels a tremendous weight lifted off him...but now sees what it's doing to me... ...I've often thought maybe he was testing me and when I offer this to him he just says "I don't know". Kent says in his post that he's not sure he misses his W (she's in FL). I can relate. I mean, I love H, I want to be here and make this thing work...but I do not feel the same about him and don't know if I ever will. My resolve was so strong-my belief in our marriage so complete, my illusion, but he killed that. If someone were to ask my opinion of marriage, I would probably advise against it unless they were REALLY REALLY sure, and even then, tell them there are no absolutes. Plan for the unexpected so as to prevent it. (Sivus pacem para bellem-forgive my spelling, but it's Latin for 'if you want peace, prepare for war').
Like I said in another post (somewhere) that I almost feel guilty when I say "I love you too". Not because I don't, but because maybe I don't think he deserves me to 'roll over' and accept this thing as well and as quickly as I have.
I am fixin to reply to a woman (screen name is Dana) that says she is afraid to be herself...Oh man do I know how she feels....because THAT was the person H cheated on.
Me2, Glad to read here about the credit you are giving your H and your understanding that he is not his favorite person about now and how sad that is for anybody! I gotta tell you again that I think you are very much on the right track and just need to keep on keepin on! What you are doing is one of those keys to success! It just takes LOTS of doing and time.
quote:Originally posted by alottolearn: Hi Jamie, We must have been writing at the same time. Glad to have some more positive and grounded words from you.
Me2, Like you I thought our marriage was great. It has been painful for me to realize more and more how my H did not share this opinion. On the other hand he really, really didn't want to loose me because he knew I was a truer friend than the "two-faced one". I knew something was wrong in my life but couldn't even figure out it was in my marriage most of the time and thought the rest of the time we were on somewhat different tracks but that happens in marriages sometimes. Also I think that sometimes it just boils down to him adoring all the attention he was getting. He really feels bad about it. On the Marriage Builder's web site in the recovery section there is a writer who goes by "SKM" she is a betraying spouse and reading her posts has helped me understand my H's perspective.
Anyway, yes, I do think time will help you but I think you need to find gentle, loving ways to let your H know that you are hurting IF he is open to this. Counseling is a great idea also as it often gives a safe place for some of this. Solutions during the recovery stage are different than in the on-going affair stage I think.
The next two weeks are going to be packed for me so I won't be able to drop by as often--it's going to be very hard to resist as this is proving so helpful! Will look forward to catching up as often as I can!
). I'm starting to figure out that this is a perfectly healthy response that is important for me to honor within myself. Getting clear on my instinct being correct and regaining my confidence in this regard helps me tremendously. I loose my finesse when I'm confused. When I'm confident I'm very graceful, kind, matter of fact, and (my H's favorite) calm.