It sounds like you are loving your H from afar so that you can be sure you're taking good care of yourself. I've learned, through hind sight, that this is because it can take a very long time to rebuild trust after an affair. It has helped us for each to give the other very specific things that we can do to help each other feel better. My H's requests usually boil down to me giving him resounding reassurance that I'm not going to give up on him and that whether from afar or close up, I love him. Mine boil down to him showing me that he can be trusted. Anything that even slightly makes me feel that he may not be forthcoming makes me step back (which I need to learn to do more gracefully ). I'm starting to figure out that this is a perfectly healthy response that is important for me to honor within myself. Getting clear on my instinct being correct and regaining my confidence in this regard helps me tremendously. I loose my finesse when I'm confused. When I'm confident I'm very graceful, kind, matter of fact, and (my H's favorite) calm.
Yes the #1 thing you want to do is believe in yourself again. But I've learned that it is important to start believeing in my H again, as he earns it, and with me being a bit generous. These guys do need to get credit where credit is due even if it's in a tiny area. You have to find some flame, spark to fan. It works like Tom Hanks starting the fire in Cast Away. Did you see that?
). I'm starting to figure out that this is a perfectly healthy response that is important for me to honor within myself. Getting clear on my instinct being correct and regaining my confidence in this regard helps me tremendously. I loose my finesse when I'm confused. When I'm confident I'm very graceful, kind, matter of fact, and (my H's favorite) calm.
