I don't think that I love my H because of how he treats me, if I did, I certainly would not be here still. I have loved other men in my life, almost married one and did live with him for close to 2 years...anyway-I know I love my H, like I've loved no other man, I don't want to be without him and know whatever happens I will never be able to feel this same kind of thing for any other man...matter of fact, nothing he could ever do in his life would make me stop loving him. Much like the love I have for my children, but different at the same time. However, his actions (i.e. the A) make it more difficult for me to express this to him. I have told him this. It's like you said, loving from afar. I'm not sure if the guilt-thing is from me not thinking he deserves my love anymore because of what he did (A) or because I feel like I 'drove him to A', again, taking the 'blame'.
The love will not change, for us I don't think "love" has ever been the issue, as far as not loving anymore. And if it was for him, he never let me in on it.
He maintains that the A was all a big lie, and he felt nothing for her. She was just 'there' and 'someone to talk to' (so then why the sex I asked....). I read all these posts about how hard it is for cheating spouses to let go of that OM/OW and how it likens an addiction. My H waffled for about 4 days in sending an email to OW when I thought is was just a computer EA, he said she was out of town and would not get email until the day he sent it anyway (?). H says he never opened another message from her, changed his IM screen name and stopped using email account he used to talk to her on. I insisted he tell her the truth that he was married and that if he did not I would. The only other thing I asked was 'to what end with her/do you want her or your family?...YOU decide'. Then I stopped the intensity of contact I had had with him (he was living in the mid-east for his job)-I have since realized that I was DB'ing while not knowing it!
He has not had any other contact with her, she even corroborated this when I emailed her in Nov.
So...again I must struggle with the WHY? He didn't love her. Says he never stopped loving me. He didn't NEED her, says he needs me and always has. Says he does not think about her or miss her. Ok...so WHY???
This still drives me crazy. I know I have a (tiny) tendency to overanalyze things...I need to let this go for now and occupy my mind with other stuff.
Deep down I believe we'll make it through this...but I am the only one that can get me there. I can only believe in myself, and my resolve to make OR work, and my love. How sad that sounds....I used to believe in him too, probably even more than in myself-course, that's probably where the problem started.
