Me2, My feelings for my H, family, close friends, do not depend on how they feel about me. If I love someone it is a fact that stands on it's own. I am very blessed in that though my family was plenty dysfunctional, there was also a lot of this kind of fully committed love. I have always loved my H and have no problem saying so.
Now--how close I can be to my loved ones has everything to do with how they treat me, themselves, people in general, and how they handle life in general. (I hasten to add that I've got a long way to go to be everything I want to be!!!) Anyway, if all is well I can experience intimacy, feel completely accepted as myself and feel respected and loved. If all is not well then I can love from afar.
My H was not so fortunate. He doesn't know this kind of love exists...but he is learning. He lied to me about our reality and he lied to the OW about his love for her. He was "brain dead", lights out, nobody home. He is happy that life can be so much better than he ever thought it could be. He still has no idea. However I do. As Walter Brenen (oops showing my age) would say "no brag just fact". Just lately he told me that he loves me because I love him. To me that is not love but I smiled sweetly because I believe he is headed in the right direction and one of these days he will get it.
I have decided that I will not compromise myself any more. It seems wise to me to love my H from a bit further away until he learns a bit more. I lost too much of my soul during "the dark years" and the top priority is to get it back. Creating a happy, healthy marriage is mighty important but it comes second. Absolutely intend to love him, meet his needs as best I can, and to figure out how to do this and take great care of myself at the same time.
Hows them apples?
[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 04-01-2001).]
