Hi Friends- I wanted to say hello after being away from the board for a few days. I've caught up on this thread and have to agree re. there being good days and bad days in this whole process.
I've experienced a couple of lukewarm days and did some internal walks down "bad memory lane" until I forced myself to snap out of my downward spiraling moments. Some recent triggers were pretty potent, but I think my H and I weathered the storm o.k. As you've pointed out, we have to look at the big picture, brace for those bumps, and slowly process all that there continues to be learned.
Yet, even during those now rare unpleasant times that might at first glance seem slightly reminiscent of those truly ugly times, I'm able to look at things realistically. The reality is that hopefully our rebuilding process involves keeping the wonderful things from the past relationship and abandoning those that are undesirable. Occasionally, those undesirable things we believe we've totally left behind sneak back in and, depending our mood, rest level, health..., we react well or not so well. I think it is Kent who said that we need to be careful not to overburden our spouse during such moments. I agree wholeheartedly because, although our feelings may indeed be legitimate, our spouses are not necessarily ready or equipped to fully sooth our reopened wounds. So, we learn and go on and try to focus on the fact that the support and affection from our spouses truly is improving and that little slips every now and then is normal and to be expected.
I'm learning and moving forward in a new partnership that has not yet been completely defined. This is a great thread and I'm thankful for your supportive words and sharing--Jamie
Kent asked a question that really helped me: are all the triggers negative? I've been calling negative thoughts triggers but I realized with that question that many times during my day I'll get a big smile on my face from thinking about something my H has done that touched me especially during the last 20 months. SOOOOO, I'm also experiencing positive triggers! Like that thought a lot ! (how do you make that big toothy smile?)
If the fact of the affair were able to completely disappear, I'd be extremely happy with our relationship. While it's too bad we went through such trauma to get here, we are absolutely better off. This is, even if there were no other reason, because our relationship is real and honest now, but going through these tough times has also allowed us to see how much we really do love each other. I've learned not to be so naive as to think we're completely out of the woods (thinking that way just makes it tougher when the difficult times come) but we're closer than we've been for our whole marriage. It does seem like this edge of the woods has more briars and thickets but we can see the open space just on the other side. Oh well, that's just the way it is.
So, thanks for my happy thought of the day, Kent! ALTL
yours, ******************************************** I'm able to look at things realistically. The reality is that hopefully our rebuilding process involves keeping the wonderful things from the past relationship and abandoning those that are undesirable. ********************************************* I see the same thing. My problem is it seems to be such a slow process to figure out all the undesirable elements as men and women tend to think differently. I have to watch very closely for reaction to what I do and say. Spouses are not always easy to read and we are not always in a read mode.
I still screw up and guess I always will. I think I am better at identifying when I do screw-up and I certainly take action when I recognize the screw-up. No more sitting back and letting it slide assuming that I have been forgiven.
BTW, It's a sunny, cool day in Chi town. A nice day to get out for a walk. Guess I know what to do for lunch.
**********While it's too bad we went through such trauma to get here, we are absolutely better off. This is, even if there were no other reason, because our relationship is real and honest now, but going through these tough times has also allowed us to see how much we really do love each other*********
I really didn't think my marriage was in such trouble-at least not enough to warrant an A (like there's ever a good enough reason for that-because there absolutely IS NOT), but I cannot see how I am better off now?? I just doesn't seem that we are all that different than before he left for that year overseas.
Before, I was confident and secure in the fact that he was as loyal as I, and that he'd never do that to us-I believed we were on the same sheet of music. Sure we had problems, but I honestly didn't think we were in danger. Our problems were not THAT bad, well, at least not to me.
We were buddies, and still are. We were loving with one another and sometimes still are, said I love you frequently, and still do, we had a healthy sex-life and still do. I felt completely comfortable with him (even naked-which I DO NOT anymore-now I am embarrased-he was with someone else-what must he think of me now), I was comfortable enough to talk with him about my fears, hopes and dreams and insecurities... all before the A...now I keep most of that stuff to myself (and just tell y'all!) I keep a lot to myself. Am I happier now? No. Absolutely not at all. I have been slapped down by this, I am less open and forthcoming about my feelings than I was before. Like Kent said-maybe I was overwhelming him?
(I need to stop-I'm getting angry again)
Do I need more time to see just how much better off I am? or will I ever...
L
he's picking me up for lunch today....gotta get myself in a better mood.
Hi Jamie, We must have been writing at the same time. Glad to have some more positive and grounded words from you.
Me2, Like you I thought our marriage was great. It has been painful for me to realize more and more how my H did not share this opinion. On the other hand he really, really didn't want to loose me because he knew I was a truer friend than the "two-faced one". I knew something was wrong in my life but couldn't even figure out it was in my marriage most of the time and thought the rest of the time we were on somewhat different tracks but that happens in marriages sometimes. Also I think that sometimes it just boils down to him adoring all the attention he was getting. He really feels bad about it. On the Marriage Builder's web site in the recovery section there is a writer who goes by "SKM" she is a betraying spouse and reading her posts has helped me understand my H's perspective.
Anyway, yes, I do think time will help you but I think you need to find gentle, loving ways to let your H know that you are hurting IF he is at all open to this. Counseling is a great idea also as it often gives a safe place for some of this. Solutions during the recovery stage are different than in the on-going affair stage I think.
The next two weeks are going to be packed for me so I won't be able to drop by as often--it's going to be very hard to resist as this is proving so helpful! Will look forward to catching up as often as I can!
Once I found out about the EA Jan of 00, I started seeing a therapist recomended through my insurance. Didn't know about this site/book/therapy type....etc. I was just lost.
I saw her for about 5 months (not every week-usually every second or third) or so-then H was coming home and I thought I would be OK after the initial period of adjustment-we did leave the door open, so to speak, and it was arranged that I could just call and go back (without the whole referral process through the insurance company again)...anyway, when the bomb dropped on 7 Nov and I had irrefutable proof of PA I called her to talk-needed someone to calm me down as I was not rational and going to grab my kids and run as far away from H and here as I could get. She said not to make any decisions in anger...anyway-after about 30 minutes I was calmed down enough to accept a phone call from H-I was at work-and kept hanging up on him on the other line.....
I did not make arrangements to start seeing her again at that time. After I had it out with H later that day (and through that night and into the next day) he suggested we give her a call and start going together. I was really surprised by this.
Anyway, we have been to 7 sessions so far-usually every other or every third week, and plan to continue going for a couple more-it's the only time H really opens up and talks about his feelings. Like I've said before, I think there is more to him, more he has not let out.
I have spoken to her about this site and Michele's book, she has read it (and a few others), keeps up with a lot of current teachings, believes in solution based therapy-like she says, whatever works and is right for YOU as a couple is what you should do-because eventually our goal is to "fire her" (her words!) and do all this on our own....anyway, she's great-has helped me a lot-to see myself the way my H does...
I am waiting still tho for H to let it all out-or at least more than he is...he's still holding back (he admits this and C says she sees it too)
anyway-quittin time, gotta go get boys...do the mom thing.
Me2, He opens up at the C sessions as he feels it is safe to do so. We already talked about the reasons earlier. Keep it up. My W and I still do the C sessions, once a month. I think we will be ending them soon. The C can help open your eyes and help you understand your spouse better. Hopefully with time, you won't keep needing that help.
I asked about counseling as I think you could use some support in coming to terms with the resentment/ forgiveness thing. I don't know why it is easier for some to let go than for others. All I know is it is imperative that you achieve this. It is a major goal.
The last couple of days has shown me that hangin out on this board constantly is not the most healthy activity either. I now find that most of the forums (not this one) do more to bring me down than anything in my personal life. It's becoming rather obvious that there comes a time to move on. I'm outa here for the weekend.
This has been helping me, my sister with whom I'm ery close sent it. If I could only remember it all the time!!!
Ê THE CRACKED WATER POT
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried Ê across his neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection,and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot,and in his compassion he said,
"As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some.
But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it.
I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws.
We're all cracked pots.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
There is a lot of good out there.
There is a lot of good in us!
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
I've been trying to think about how my H's and my faults (charactersitics that we have identified as wanting to change)are vunerabilities that we need to be compassionate towards. If we are understanding and accepting and patient as we both learn to act differently we do so much better.
The idea of using our faults to nurture others is very appealing to me. Gotta run but hope we can talk about this idea some because it seems so very positive!
! (how do you make that big toothy smile?)