Acting as if when spouse tells you everything

[Neos_wife]

Oh man, this thread has been really helpful. My H has always been mildly suicidal and then occasionally (seemingly) close to actively suicidal. (But how do you tell? That's my problem!) I actually DO take his views seriously; he swallowed turpentine as a young man; and is an odd man to begin with (his mother is mentally ill, as are his two brothers). He "appears" to be (mentally) healthy but has traces of OCD and an ongoing, low-grade depression (we've been together 9 years, married 8).

He's away right now (out of the country) creating a physical affair out of the emotional affair he has been having since February {wince} {sob}. I've been vacillating between writing him off as a liar and a cheat (for so, of course, he is!) or DBing the heck out of my life, recognizing he's deeply MLC right now and hanging on in the hopes we can recover a marriage I truly truly believe in and want.

I was very involved in the affair in the beginning (she was MY friend, I was counseling her about an ex-boyfriend). My H (seems to seriously believe and) says he's NOT being dishonourable because he's "doing this in front of me, his legal wife!" (As compared to sneaking around and lying to me -- but oh WAIT -- It is the case that if his lips are moving right now, HE'S LYING!!)

(He had written her that he loved her in many many many of our three-way messages discussing her sitch with the ex...)

I was trying then (because I loved him) to be understanding and supportive, to accept that he had fallen out of love with me and wanted out, and trying to accept his obsession (for so even HE admits it is) with this woman with as much grace as I could muster -- wanting HIM to be happy and out of pain, but, as I said to him multiple times -- NOT at the cost of destroying myself!! I was scouring divorce books, poring over our (his) financial records trying to prepare for a negotiated split and so on.. Then I found Michele W-D.

I am horribly conflicted -- I am trusting Michele that there may be a way to get beyond the mistrust and anger and betrayals I am sufferingl... I am acting as if I think I will want him when he recovers; I am working on Michele's books and the Marriage Breakthrough DVD (it's great, by the way!) and ALSO finishing up my research preparatory for divorce... (If he's seriously going to divorce me, I need to be prepared! Had a good meeting with a lawyer yesterday!)

But this thread has allowed me to 'cast off' some of my fretting and worry about his suicide. I have a strong belief (did he plant that? Is it valid? Dunno, just started thinking about that!) that he will kill himself between now and two years from now when we are planning to divorce (it's financial that we have to wait).. (And, can you believe it? When she visited (she visited as my friend before he declared himself done with me and gonna marry her! {eye roll}) , his MISTRESS said to the two of us: "well, better a widow than a divorcee!")

I have made clear to H all through these couple months that -- his suicide ... er... discussions/mentions WERE a trump card that would shut me down... I was always getting to the point of: "honey, I do NOT want you dead!!" However, he has been disclaiming it to her; saying as long as he HAS her, he's not suicidal (gee, JUST like he said to me in the beginning when I was in his "reason for living" -- as she is now (accoridng to him...)

I have actually gotten tired of it -- and have come to think" "okay, she's right"; (and I've even said to him, gently and humourously: if you're gonna kill yourself, make sure to do it BEFORE you divorce me, eh?) And I've begun to come to terms with it. *IF* he choose to kill himself -- *I* cannot stop him. I will be bereft and SOOOOO sorry and unhappy if he does; but so I will also be if he leaves me, and marries her... In either case, it's out of my hands! I CANNOT guide my life and my decisions on the basis of his threats --whether or not they are valid...

I must make the decisions that seem best to me (and yes, at the moment, that's DBing my tail off, and working on GAL and PMA!!!) without considering his decisions !(Heck, his MISTRESS isn't considering it! She's jerking him around like a kite!)

Thanks thanks thanks y'all for your wonderful discussion here!!

Neo's Wife