Acting as if when spouse tells you everything

[grasshopper]

Brian, While I wholeheartedly disagreed with your other post, I actually agree with most of this one.

The point he's making is one OT makes all the time. You cannot be more in the relationship than she is, and that means taking on more responsibility for her than is appropriate considering the situation. Sure, you fear for her, as we all do, but in some real way, you are not the one to protect her right now.

You keep saying you're her rock...pardon me if I disagree. You WERE her rock maybe at one point but if that were true, she would not be with another man. You percieve yourself to be her rock and as such, have a certain amount of power in her life which I don't really think you have right now. In a way, I almost see it as a sort of control issue.

You seem to think that without you she would not only be lost as a human being, but likely dead right now. That's a TON of power to assume you have over another person, and I'm not sure it's healthy even if it is true.

I think on the whole, I agree that DB and detachment are the keys to this and I think you are on the right path but you just need to take a look at things from a slightly different perspective.

Keep posting, and keep your chin up. What you are dealing with is tough and I know it's a hard battle.

GH

[RBinBR]

I've got to agree with GH and Brian. One of the key definitions of someone who is NOT detached is someone who is manipulated by threats or implied threats of suicide.

Read this web page on detachment for a clearer picture.

[grasshopper]

One of the key definitions of someone who is NOT detached is someone who is manipulated by threats or implied threats of suicide.

Wow, RB, I struggle with this. I too would be swayed if my W made those kinds of comments. That's the part of his sitch that I really don't envy. I've been there before, not with W so much, but a GF in the past and is sucks. On one hand, you KNOW it may not be sincere, on the other, what if.

I am not going back on what I said about him needing to NOT be the one taking responsibility but I do sympathize with him for sure.

GH

[RBinBR]

And I have to deal with the suicide issue myself as well. My wife is manic-depressive (bipolar disorder), which means that there is a 25% chance that she will attempt suicide at some point in her life.

Earlier on in my sitch, I worried about her a lot, because I knew that leaving her family had put her under an incredible emotional strain and she sometimes talked about how depressed she was. If I didn't hear from her for a few days, I would start worrying about her and wondering if she was thinking about suicide. It's only recently that I've been able to detach from that, so I know how hard it is.

Tryingtosave, I wish you the very best, man.

[tryingtosave]

GH, I agree with you. Reflecting back, I am not acting AS IF when she tells me the details. I just listen, when she is talking about A she is basically bitching about A and OM. I keep looking very good to her and she knows that I have made changes in my life and she noticed w/o me telling her. I have changed my actions that led to the affair. I guess all in all it is very hard to listen to the details but sit shows me is tiring of the A and the lines of communication are definetly open. I just am keeping this line of communication open so she knows she can talk to me and that the door is open so to speak. Its hard to describe because of the mental abuse OM (manipulation) has dealt her, and know I believe there is physical. I know she will not admit that to me because she knows I will not take that sitting down.
A MAN SHOULD NEVER STRIKE A WOMAN.
Her telling ne the info is the truth and it sure beats snooping and getting the wrong idea. I know I am her safety net, she knows how seriously I took my vows. She also knows whats in my heart from the last time the A ended we,had about 4-5 weeks of really good talks and time spent together. But the monster came back. Any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, every situation is different and DBing needs different tweaks.

[tryingtosave]

Also, concerning suicide, I just need to be available to her when A is finally over so she can get thru withdrawl period. This is where the risk is. This comes previous experience when this A temporarily died before.

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Brian,

well said. really well said.
jch

[Neos_wife]

Oh man, this thread has been really helpful. My H has always been mildly suicidal and then occasionally (seemingly) close to actively suicidal. (But how do you tell? That's my problem!) I actually DO take his views seriously; he swallowed turpentine as a young man; and is an odd man to begin with (his mother is mentally ill, as are his two brothers). He "appears" to be (mentally) healthy but has traces of OCD and an ongoing, low-grade depression (we've been together 9 years, married 8).

He's away right now (out of the country) creating a physical affair out of the emotional affair he has been having since February {wince} {sob}. I've been vacillating between writing him off as a liar and a cheat (for so, of course, he is!) or DBing the heck out of my life, recognizing he's deeply MLC right now and hanging on in the hopes we can recover a marriage I truly truly believe in and want.

I was very involved in the affair in the beginning (she was MY friend, I was counseling her about an ex-boyfriend). My H (seems to seriously believe and) says he's NOT being dishonourable because he's "doing this in front of me, his legal wife!" (As compared to sneaking around and lying to me -- but oh WAIT -- It is the case that if his lips are moving right now, HE'S LYING!!)

(He had written her that he loved her in many many many of our three-way messages discussing her sitch with the ex...)

I was trying then (because I loved him) to be understanding and supportive, to accept that he had fallen out of love with me and wanted out, and trying to accept his obsession (for so even HE admits it is) with this woman with as much grace as I could muster -- wanting HIM to be happy and out of pain, but, as I said to him multiple times -- NOT at the cost of destroying myself!! I was scouring divorce books, poring over our (his) financial records trying to prepare for a negotiated split and so on.. Then I found Michele W-D.

I am horribly conflicted -- I am trusting Michele that there may be a way to get beyond the mistrust and anger and betrayals I am sufferingl... I am acting as if I think I will want him when he recovers; I am working on Michele's books and the Marriage Breakthrough DVD (it's great, by the way!) and ALSO finishing up my research preparatory for divorce... (If he's seriously going to divorce me, I need to be prepared! Had a good meeting with a lawyer yesterday!)

But this thread has allowed me to 'cast off' some of my fretting and worry about his suicide. I have a strong belief (did he plant that? Is it valid? Dunno, just started thinking about that!) that he will kill himself between now and two years from now when we are planning to divorce (it's financial that we have to wait).. (And, can you believe it? When she visited (she visited as my friend before he declared himself done with me and gonna marry her! {eye roll}) , his MISTRESS said to the two of us: "well, better a widow than a divorcee!")

I have made clear to H all through these couple months that -- his suicide ... er... discussions/mentions WERE a trump card that would shut me down... I was always getting to the point of: "honey, I do NOT want you dead!!" However, he has been disclaiming it to her; saying as long as he HAS her, he's not suicidal (gee, JUST like he said to me in the beginning when I was in his "reason for living" -- as she is now (accoridng to him...)

I have actually gotten tired of it -- and have come to think" "okay, she's right"; (and I've even said to him, gently and humourously: if you're gonna kill yourself, make sure to do it BEFORE you divorce me, eh?) And I've begun to come to terms with it. *IF* he choose to kill himself -- *I* cannot stop him. I will be bereft and SOOOOO sorry and unhappy if he does; but so I will also be if he leaves me, and marries her... In either case, it's out of my hands! I CANNOT guide my life and my decisions on the basis of his threats --whether or not they are valid...

I must make the decisions that seem best to me (and yes, at the moment, that's DBing my tail off, and working on GAL and PMA!!!) without considering his decisions !(Heck, his MISTRESS isn't considering it! She's jerking him around like a kite!)

Thanks thanks thanks y'all for your wonderful discussion here!!

Neo's Wife