Look, there are a lot of things in DB that FEEL like you're being a doormat but in all actuality, you are just choosing NOT to react to something that is going on, i.e. detaching. I can't tell you how many times I posted here asking if what I was doing was being a doormat and each time I was told no because I was CHOOSING to do the things I did, and understanding that I would also have to suffer whatever consequences came from those choices. If I choose to suffer through my W's affair, which I did, and now by all appearences, it's over, then it's my decision to make.
I know it's a fine line but nobody is suggesting that you just suck it up and LIKE your W having an affair, but you can choose the time and place when you talk to her about it. In the DB way of doing things, that is NOT while it's going on.
You are NOT being a doormat but I do think you at least need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and decide if you need to put up some boundaries about this affair talk your W like to have with you. I am not saying you need to try to get HER to do something different, just that YOU may need to decide that hearing about the A is NOT ok for you and when she starts to do it, simply say, "Honey, I am not really comfortable talking about this with you right now." and walk away.
On the other hand, if you can stomach it, she IS opening up to you and as bad as it hurts, that is a good thing.
