Acting as if when spouse tells you everything

[25yearsmlc]

Dear trying,

I am not sure what to tell you except IF suicide really is an issue, then you can't use the normal DB methods. And the line between pride and self respect is a blurry one, but it is important for our health and may be the only way to get them/M better.

There are things in my sit (way diff in general I know) that actually may be useful to you. I've had several DB sessions and have taken copious notes. Anyhow, DB coach told me when I make logical points arguing against H leaving, I can sound parental/moralistic/how can you do this to us???etc" then the parental voice shuts their own inner voice 'cuz they spend energy defending. IF I try to predict doom and gloom for his choices and future, due to H's choices (like how lonely he'll be without us in the same state, or how we will probably end up with a D) IOW when I think of forcing H to face consequences now, DB coach said for me Not to be the messenger of bad news or consequences, etc. Said "Life will give him consequences, LBS doesn't have to tell him...also, being the messenger of doom is another way for us to get blamed for the news and kill the messenger, etc. It can make it easier on them leaving us. GIve them no fodder to use when they monstrify us.

If forgiveness will eventually get thru to your W as a sign of the love you have for her and your commitment to M, it seems good IMO. Experts need to chime in of course. But the idea of being a doormat is also NOT a way to keep M. Tough call to make. EXCEPT for the suicide thing, and IF that is real, and not manipulation of W or excuse, by her or you wanting contact, then read the DB chapters on Depression and
pray.

I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
jch