Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

The cruise was absolutely wonderful; we had a wonderful time, met wonderful people, and really enjoyed ourselves!

We’ve been back now for about 3 weeks, I guess, and I struggled a good bit when we first got back: like, starting in the car on the way home from the airport! I was overwhelmed by memories and bad feelings about the lizard, and his feelings and – well, a lot of the cruise good feelings were swamped by worry and unhappiness... I mentioned, briefly in the car, that none of my questions had gone away... That I was not going to bother him about such questions, but I wanted him to know they were still there: was he still going to divorce me? Was he going to try to contact her, had his feelings toward me changed and so on... That all of that had come flooding back, but I was going to leave him alone about it...

Within a week or so, he had reserved our December cruise to the Caribbean. (!) He mentioned that it was a refundable reservation; I think I asked something about did that mean he was going to live past October? But within a week he had also bought air tickets and reserved the night-before hotel. He says she has not been in contact with him at all; I sort-of believe him... Although since I spend two hours every Mon-Th doing the Y, they could be talking then – or they could be emailing and since I no longer have access to his computer I wouldn’t know... But I was concerned about that, and since he had written her a month ago that he would “make sure” I had no access to the business phone bill (on which was the record of his calls to her, which I had discussed angrily with him), I was stressed.

The phone bill came, and he left it out on his computer desk for a day, on top of other papers (and I wondered if it was so I would look)... It eventually disappeared; I awoke in the middle of the night one night, thinking I heard talking downstairs (where the office phone is) so I went downstairs, and since I was there (and no one else was <wry G>) I looked it over – no phone calls to England. So, they are seemingly not in contact by phone – unless she is calling him, and I expect she’s not – she really IS a raving paranoid, and I expect my mis-posted messages drove her off permanently -- or at least until he is actually divorced... (Hard to stop being paranoid myself, eh?)

So, we’re proceeding with life as it was, in seemingly most ways... He is engrossed in writing on a couple of forums he used to spend hours on; work is normal (he has never particularly liked work, but it pays the bills...), our lives seem like they were before the whole thing... He is open to finding a social connection -- but when I offer a book club, toastmasters, the Y for him too – he rejects it... I discussed this with him once, that everything I offer as a possibility for him to gain some social connection, he turns down...He said he’s willing to consider whatever I find – but I pointed out he was turning down whatever I offered, so it may be that he will have to suggest something. I have thought of starting my own “non-fiction” book club – which would read and discuss books he is interested in. (I’d really enjoy that too!)

I have not broached the subjects of how he feels, the future, or whatever... I am continuing to DB as well as I can – and doing pretty good at it, it seems! He said I had not “misbehaved” at all on the cruise: that is, I had not “acted like a man,” or been authoritarian with him, so that is a good sign! I’m noticing a (physical) difference (YAY!) from the aerobics at the Y, and so is he; and I’m dressing better and more femininely, which he appreciates. So, I don’t know anything solid yet in terms of results or the future, but I do think it’s going reasonably well...

I also don’t know if I’m deluding myself (or he’s deluding me) but I must continue on as Michele suggests, as it is the only option. I have no desire or intent to leave; he is passive about leaving or staying (or so it seems) and so I must just wait him out. Either we WILL create a new marriage, or not – I can’t force it, I can only work toward it, which is also working toward a new life for myself, either with him (I hope) or without him (I hope to prevent).

Neo's Wife