Please, don't think me too insensitive, because I know it takes all kinds, and to each his or her own, but as I keep reading your thread, you seem like you are taking a rational (as much as possible anyway) approach to this otherwise rational man doing irrational things. It seems like that is NOT the case here.
Your H seems like a irrational man doing even more irrational things and your "rational" reations seem VERY out of place.
Again, forgive me if I have this all wrong, but your H seems to have some SERIOUS problems that extend WAY beyond a normal MLC or cheating issue. His CONSTANT threat of suicide (several times you have posted that he has threatened this) and the "Your (ow) feelings are always more important than my own" stuff suggests that H is not anywhere close to being someone who could even participate in a marriage that DB suggests we try to have where each member of the partnership is responsible for and DESIRING of their own happiness. You seem to be ok with this idea but will he ever be? You seem to be quite calm and accepting DB as a pretty good thing to have as part of your life, but I am questioning whether DB can work in the face of someone who is so far off the charts in terms of codependency and what SEEMS to be (in my COMPLETELY lay-person's opinion) serious mental health issues (mainly the suicide threats).
If he were to return to you like he is, and from what you have said he's been that way long before the whole affair thing happened I think, do you think you could carry on knowing what you know now about the importance of caring for YOU first before you care for others?
I have been, in some ways (not the suicide part) like your H. I have said those kinds of things like "I am only doing this for you. I don't really care one way or another, what YOU want is most important to me honey." or "I just want to be with you and nothing else matters to me." or "As long as you're happy, I'm happy."
I would NOT say ANY of those things now because I know what I'm really doing is putting the burden of my life, my happiness on my W and that's not only not fair to her, but not fair to me either.
I am trying not to be too harsh, but the longer this goes on, and the more I read about this, lifestyle differences aside, I am confounded at why you keep acting (and pardon me if it's just getting lost in the translation of your thoughts to post) as if what he's doing is completely normal aside from the cheating part. Like I said, reading your posts, he seems like a pretty unstable guy that could use some professional help right now to deal with his own issues, let alone his issues with you.
Once (last time I swear) again, forgive me for this if I am just way off base. I know this is a trying time for you AND him and that can affect people in many ways, causing them to do and say things that the outside world may never understand. I just fear for him, for obvious reasons, and you by association because it seems like someone who thinks such dark thoughts on such a regular basis is capable of extending those thought to others in his life if you know what I mean.
I am not suggesting you file for D, or abandon your DB efforts, but to suggest that "DBing the heck out of him" may help fix some of his issues seems a bit, well, weak. I think he needs to address his issues, and professionally if at all possible. I think you can and SHOULD continue DBing, as it is something that seems to fit YOUR life well, but also accept that his situation may need more than that.
Please, take care of yourself and if I need to be corrected on this, please do so. It was hard for me to write this, but I mean only to help.
