Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Our dear (male) friend, (who has a brain, and a depth and breath of knowledge nearly as large as Neo's, albeit in a partially different area and specialization) ... wrote me this morning:

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[I]>12. But above all things respect thyself.
>I was rereading this letter, and the injunction from Pythagoras that I repeat above seems the most important to remember and live by. I hope you are doing well,[/I]
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I answered him:
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Thank you, my dear, for your warmth and good wishes -- it really helps!. Mostly, I am doing okay. Sometimes I am not. Honesty is so important to me; trust and integrity -- so, being completely unsure about the honesty of the man I have meshed my life with is wearing on me -- all the time... We occasionally talk about whether he is "playing" me, playing the lizard or playing us both... He SAYS he's telling me the truth, and having to lie to her (she's a paranoid hysteric, in my jaundiced view <G>). At the very least, she's a real paranoid, whose fears of ... me (!!)... lead her to refuse contact with him until he is divorced; except then she set up a hidden email address for him and wants him to read and ... defend himself... against what-all I write about him on my [public] advice list (which is where I met her -- and where she stubbornly -- and stealthily -- remains.)

(*I* of course still snoop on him, and read his emails to and from her. I justify (rationalize?) that I need to both keep an eye on their plotting (most esp. HER plotting that he claims he has stopped participating in, as he felt extremely bad about himself (in re: his fundamental belief: "the world is governed by lies and violence" – and so his lying is esp. painful for him... (real/true) "MEN" don't lie... and yet there he was ... is?... lying his tail off.)

He is also coming around -- (or so he says {eye roll}) -- to the absolute FACT that she is both NOT the right woman for him, and that his 'picture' of her, his addiction to her, really has not-so-much to do with HER! (And oddly, he says (and I think truthfully) that he is telling her lies -- because he can't deal with her raving paranoia, and insults, and affronts to his dignity and so on... He says he and I are able to talk honestly to each other (and on many things, this is so -- I just don't know where that stops!); whereas he must lie and manipulate her -- which, I see in his messages to her, is so. (But alas, he is still entirely addicted to her, and sees no way to break free... But he IS (seemingly) coming around to the possibility (or is he lying to me again?) of recreating a relationship with me; he just doesn't know how. (He does not know what the future holds -- he can, he says, not see beyond about two weeks ahead in his life...)

[The bit about the slasher movie from the first message, above.]

The problem is he is still entirely addicted: he says he has tried, as a thought experiment, to STOP loving her, to stop needing her, to stop depending on her to keep him alive -- and he just can't. His HEAD knows she's wrong -- but his heart is not there yet... Poor rotted oak -- he has never before (in his LIFE!) had an... well, not unrequited, but unachievable... love. But he is also becoming sure she does NOT love him -- may not even be capable of love -- and -- well, on a positive note: he said the ten days with the lizard reminded him of several of MY virtues for him: most esp. the constancy of my love for him; a thing which he feels he cannot live without. He CANNOT live without a woman in his life, in his house (he said to a acquaintance of ours (an interviewer, who was re-interviewing us for her academic study: on monogamy in marriage (HA!) ) that if he went two weeks without a woman in his house, he'd kill himself...

On the other hand -- he's being kind nearly always (and he's SO depressed, which tears my heart -- my mom says of me: well, you always DID pick up wounded animals -- and wounded MEN -- and try to heal them!); he and I are getting along as we always have: well and comfortably... (Amazingly, there's even some sexual contact -- which we have not done in 8 years! We cuddle on the couch and watch movies, he still holds my hand whenever we're out-and-about, he even pets my hair sometimes when he passes by...)

We're preparing, with some pleasure and hope, for our early July Alaska cruise... We're both excited about it, and will enjoy it very much. (He's done it before, but is looking forward to it, esp. the salmon bake! <G> I've always wanted to see Alaska!)

So -- am I respecting myself? Yes, I think so. I told him I was no longer amenable to suasion by his discussions of his suicide. He will kill himself as HE chooses, and I have no control of that. He KNOWS I do not want him dead, that I think suicide is the coward's way out; he KNOWS that I love him and wish to recreate our marr... or, rather, create a new marriage with him based on honesty.

He has promised (me) not to kill himself before his birthday in Oct. Or to go try to find "an erotic/romantic connection" with an "escort" {aggrieved frown} Although, after our long discussion of him chasing escorts (which, by the way, is part of HER plotting to convince me they have broken up -- she wants him to chase, and sleep out with, them so I *believe* he's no longer seeing her -- but is STILL divorcing me; so she can have him in two years when we divorce: did I mention she's paranoid about me?! {eye roll}), he decided he is not willing (yet) to chase escorts, because the only woman he wants is her... {sigh} (Tell a heroin addict to chase meth: {shrug} his addiction is to her. Thankfully...)

But he says he is aching to die in his 56th year (that is, after this Oct birthday) -- all his heros died in theirs: Julius Caesar, Nietzsche... It's the "right" year for him to die... {eye roll}.

I am still working on detaching myself from my enmeshment with him... Whether or not he survives, whether or not he divorces me, whether or not I end up having to leave for my own sanity and emotional stability, are all yet TBD. Time is the only (possible) cure, and so we must make our way through time. THAT is hard... there is no forcing the Tao, taking no action until its right time... (And I HATE that! <VBG>)