Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

This was the first message I posted (MIS-posted!) to my public (well, 136-member) list – but the lizard IS a secret member of that list, so in all likelihood -- she read it.... That’s good and bad... but it was definitely unintended!! (She has ceased any contact with him at all – that’s the good. I’ve lost ALL chance of monitoring his emails; he’s removed the logger and put up his own tracking – so he knows if I touch his computer... that’s part of the bad.)

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The lizard wrote Neo:
Could you possibly read her posts on her yahoo group? She is saying a lot of stuff, including a message which made you sound really GROSS talking about you stinking to high heaven and not washing every day: could she be trying to put me off you? At any rate, would you mind reading what she writes, not for your benefit, but to see what she is saying, for my benefit? Because it does disturb me to read a lot of the stuff she says about you. It does sometimes sound as though you two are on the verge of patching things up (and certainly engaging with each other in husband-wife-like ways, if nothing else) and when she is not saying alarming stuff of that sort, she is making you sound absolutely revolting! Would you mind reading it and maybe calling her on stuff if you think I might be freaked by the stuff she is writing? Note that I am only on her list under another name and email account. I am not on it under my own name, so don't mention me even if you have me in mind. I miss you.
Have you been going out as we discussed? Giving out your phone number? Any adventures to share? Do tell!
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He answered her:
What I *will* do, Darling, is provide explanations of things she has written that concern you and that you bring up to me. For example, the not washing thing was merely the consequence of my changing my deodorant to an unscented product, to please you. After several weeks of use, the new deodorant began to irritate my underarms and I had to not use *anything* for several days to let my skin heal. Nevertheless, I was relatively inoffensive, but NW has a very sensitive nose. [NW’s note: this is NOT true; it was a week+; and I didn't buy him the unscented deodorant until I got tired of him stinking the place up! It was a pretty standard depressed-person action. He refuses to recognize he’s depressed...] There has been no such issue for several weeks now, and I find it bizarre that this was aired. Also, the success of the "Plan" [NW’s note: the "Plan" to make me think they had broken up.] has had the "unintended consequence" of making me "available" again. I have "lost" you to [previous boyfriend], and NW knows that you are irreplaceable in my heart with another woman other than the Neo’s Wife of the illusion with which I long ago fell in love. So, though she is of one mind in understanding and planning for divorce, she is of another in hoping to have me back, as reflected in what she must be dreaming about and writing as imagined fact to the list. I periodically review the prospects for the future with her that involve divorce no matter what, but I can't stop her from putting the best public face on things on the list for the sake of her professional and personal aspirations.

My love, *your* feelings come before my own up to the point where I feel insulted or humiliated, and I find the task of monitoring this gossip humiliating in prospect. And my monitoring of the list and even obliquely reacting to anything therein places me at risk of betraying *your* evident concerns. She knows me far well enough to know that I have no reason of my own for, and in fact recoil from the idea of, doing as you suggest, and that *I* don't give a ____ about what is said about me in such a venue. I will ask you to allow me to confine my rectification of the situation to explanations and assurances from me as to issues that you encounter and raise from reading. I could wish that your female curiousity and anxiety could be contained by avoiding the list and the disturbance altogether, but I know that not-knowing is worse than knowing, where something of this is going on.

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[Then I wrote to a friend on my private support list after quoting the above:]
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But then he got annoyed because she's ALWAYS been 'after' him to explain what I've said, to clarify and make her feel better about what I've written and so on... He feels accused and it humiliates him to have to defend himself to her -- esp. when she loses her composure toward him and insults him and so on....

I'm ALL for that! <G> I've even thought of writing how he and I watched the second season of Deadwood cuddled on the couch (I'd leave out the [sexual contact] he got, spurred by the scenes in the show <VBG>!) -- that would REALLY piss her off/freak her out -- since he did the same with her (He wrote and sent to her: "And I had a chance to pick up the Second Season of "Deadwood". Most enjoyable, but for missing being able to touch you while watching." {frown} But it would fer shure blow her up to hear he did it with me too!

I know -- revenge is useless, and a fantasy I only get to dream of, not act on... {sigh}
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My friend answered me:
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(quoting Lizard): Would you mind reading it and maybe calling her on stuff if you think I might be freaked by the stuff she is writing?

(Friend): Would you mind a) reading everything she's writing about you and about the two of you, b) reading my mind to see what would upset me, c) picking a fight with her about it, and d) reporting back before I get more upset? In that way I will get to control you from England and feed off of your humiliation, which may or may not appease my reptilian appetite. And I can then pick apart and criticize what you say as well as what she is saying, so I can deviously drive a wedge between you and try to control not only you
but the course of your marriage.

ROFLWMP!!! It's pitiful, seen from this angle. And of course her real agenda is to increase his pain so that he is even more vulnerable. She is a real energy vampire.

This is the real reason you should refuse to acknowledge her. Every time you discuss her you bring her energy into the house. Throw her the f--- out, energetically. Scuse the French.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
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Tonight I wrote:
He said at dinner tonight (with [male friend] -- we had a ball -- for FIVE hours! Till the restaurant closed!) that he saw his first "slasher" movie with her in England. (I assume she OWNS it, cause I doubt you can rent it.) He said she really liked it, but HE was disgusted by it; it was just a guy wandering around with a straight razor cutting people up, and there was a guy whose head was forced through a banister -- and then the bad guy slammed piece of furniture against him and ripped his head off and the camera was focused on his "body" spurting blood all over-- he said there was just lots of blood throughout the movie -- and it really made him wonder about this woman he loves... He just thought it was yucky... SHE apparently loved it. (!!!!!) (Eww!)
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My friend answered:
>re: the slasher movie (eewww is right): That alone should tell him she's really deranged. Not dragging a full string of fish.

Neo’s Wife: {shrug} The poor thing is an addict. He KNOWS his "drug" is destructive for him, wrong for him, (icky, even!), and yet he cannot avoid his desire for it. He RESENTS that addiction (and even that "drug"! for its effect(s) on him, and its hold on him), but does not know how to break free. He says he has tried, he so dislikes being "hooked" -- and is unable to "will" himself free of his addiction. {eye roll}

Poor rotted oak... He thinks he should be able to "will" his emotions under his control and yet, here's Pat Allen's "yin/feelings-centered older man" (destroying his life by oxytocin bonding: poor Neo insists he has plenty of testosterone, and yet he is "hooked" just like ALL the older men as they lose their testosterone and become more estrogen driven... Geez, Pat Allen even describes it in her book: all he's missing is the red convertible!! (And he's been looking covetously at the little Honda Civic sports car! {eye roll})

Yes, everything about her is ... suspect... She really is a strange one, and he is finding her to be MORE strange than maybe he's comfortable with...