Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

I posted the following two messages by mistake to my open public list. The chances that the lizard does NOT get the emails from the list sent directly to her computer (rather than reading them online) are slim -- I'm SO glad (a friend moderator) deleted them from the list as soon as she saw them -- but that was probably too late anyway. (She said they were there for apparently three hours.)

Now, Neo doesn't know if he even wants to live as long as the cruise, or his birthday. He is, he says, empty. (Not histrionics, he's merely depressed and empty. There is no point in going on, he has lost any little glimmer of hope he and self-respect he had.) By my mistake, he says, I have lost him entirely. He doesn't know if he's going to kill himself before the cruise or after, he doesn't know anything except that he has lost the foundation of his life -- that not lying was the foundation of his self-respect and he has been exposed as a liar and as a fool. (This despite lying himself into a corner with me these past several months!!) (I cannot get him to acknowledge that he's NOT a fool, that he merely misjudged that ANY woman he would be attracted to would be intelligent enough to work out a keylogger -- I knew of it, and SO DID THE LIZARD!)

He said (later) that the lizard was right about the keylogger, and he was wrong about me -- but, after his initial surge of great anger (which he didn't even show), he understands that I was acting in my own protection -- and that's part of the fundamental problem with me that he can't live with: that "most" women would neither know of, or know how to get and use, a key logger... (I think he's wrong.)

I've asked him if he can hang on till his birthday -- to go out "in a blaze of glory like his heros" -- and he said he doesn't know. How about as a kindness to me and a memorial to his dad (for the company) -- he's not feeling particularly kindly toward me right now.

So I don't know. He says the cruise will be an empty experience, because he's empty. Out of the frying pan, into the suicidal fire... Sh|t.

Anyway, the messages follow below...


============An odd update though:
Interestingly, he just came upstairs, and said let's get dressed and go through our usual Tuesday activities.. He says he knows better than to allow his state of mind to determine his course of action (YAY!!) and so we will proceed, for now, with life as usual, for now...

Oh god -- this roller-coaster is making me want to throw up!!
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However, when I asked him about his 'personality flip" a day or so later, he said it was because he had "decided" -- and was going to do what was necessary to prepare for the "transition" -- that is, prepare the company, which he wishes to continue as a memorial to his father, for handing off on his death to me to continue.

So, I don't know what to do -- just keep on trying to DB the heck out of him (and me!) I think the cruise this next week will be a welcome break from the drudgery and upset of the past months.. Hopefully he will begin to feel some positve feelings... It's all I CAN do!