Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

I remind myself that *IF* I wish to recover my marriage -- and thus far I do; and *IF* I wish to entice him back away from "the lizard" (the OW) -- and thus far I do; and *IF* I wish to be able to create a "new" marriage with this man with whom I am still in love -- and thus far I do -- then I CANNOT destroy his view of me... If he KNEW the snooping I have done: beyond the taping of his conversations (which I have ceased doing) that he discovered a month ago, he would lose even more trust of ME than he has... He knows I have been snooping (to that extent, at least) and agrees it's a normal and rational action on my part in view of the circumstances. He also agrees the lizard is pathological about her privacy.

It does NOT help that the lizard is advising him on using spysweepers on his computer, and setting up hidden email accounts for him and just generally teaching him to be more devious than I *think* he is naturally.... (I don't know -- I may be totally naive about him and he may be plotting and completely devious in himself; and I should mistrust him even further than I do -- but I've known him for nine years, and deviousness is unpleasant to him (he has been saying, lately, that he really regrets "agreeing" to go along with her plots (and maybe he does... but I'm not trusting to that either!!) )

Still -- I must protect *myself*! If I let my emotions run free, and triumphantly snarl at him all the things I know -- I deny myself the future use of those methods and things! If he knows how I am gaining my knowledge of his lying, then I cannot continue to do those things to gain that knowledge -- and I need that WAY more than I need the emotional satisfaction of screaming the truth at him.

Since I am looking at TWO YEARS before he divorces me, I need to be able to retain any advantage I can possibly have... It is my fervent hope (right now) that he and I will recover our marriage. However, if not, then I need to negotiate from the strongest possible position -- and that means knowing as much as I possibly can about his double-dealings -- and the lizard's! -- when my lawyer and I come to negotiate the settlement! I must maintain cordial and comfortable relations with him, and access to his financial records and all (I'm a kept wife; I haven't worked for pay in nine years.)

So, it's a strategic matter. I CANNOT 'blow' my edge by blowing my horn! Not yet... maybe not ever! Do I take great comfort in my revenge fantasies? In exposing the lizard? In sending her tapes of his orgasms with me and pointing out how he has been lying to her too? Oh you betcha!! [

But I probably won't even get to do that. He would find out (she would tell him, even if he has broken it off with her and remained with me) and that would... again... damage his view of me. And I also think fondly of sending her the tapes if he DOES end up with her -- but then I remember that I'll be relying on him for alimony for (I hope) ten years... (Oh well, the last fantasy is... after he kills himself (still a very strong probability), I will send the tapes to her just to pay her back for hurting me. Not a very satisfying fantasy... but {shrug} beggers can't be choosers! )

And yes,I recognize that revenge hurts me as much as anyone else, and is a bad idea -- and I'd probably not do anything unless pushed into a corner: IF he decides he
"has" to divorce me sooner than two years to go be with the lizard, then I will use whatever "blackmail" I need to -- even knowing he might then choose to kill himself (I'm 99% sure he won't kill me!). (As the lizard said (!!) to us both: "better a widow than a divorcee"!)

I HAVE told him that I am no longer "amenable" to manipulation by his suicide talk. That whether or not he chooses to kill himself is up to him. I VERY much want him alive. I think suicide is a damned-fool thing to do! But I am no longer going to allow him to shut me up, or stop me from discussing or doing something, because of his desire for death. If the lizard isn't also being manipulated with that threat (and she isn't -- he has made clear to me; he says as long as he has her he has no need to kill himself {eye roll}), then I have no reason to allow myself to be so manipulated either. (I don't think he expected that! He DOES still ask me now and again to put a bullet in hIs brain -- and I point out I am NOT going to go to jail for him!! )

(I know this-all sounds weird and melodramatic... It's not. It's a facet of his world view, his view of himself, and his life-long depression which he vehemently and staunchly denies exists... {sigh} I have always known, since I met him, that he was suicidal. Usually rather passively, sometimes more ... desperately... It's who he is. (No, I cannot get him to take drugs or go to counseling -- he won't.)

NW