Yes, unfortunately all of them lead to my H's affair and me envisioning them together. Sometimes not together intimately (but usually) sometimes it's just the time they spent together doing whatever...and the emails/phone calls/letters...during our first separation (years ago due to our jobs) H wrote me at least 2-3 letters a week and sent numerous cards over the six months we were apart-this last time when he was overseas for a year I got 0 letters and only got cards for my birthday, Valentines Day and our Anniversary.(wonder how many OW got?) I sent at least 1 care package a month (baked cookies, candy, stuff from the kids, etc), cards usually every other week or so with pictures and letters....and of course during the last 6 months (after I found out about EA-when he denied PA) we talked every day on IM/email or the phone...I was keeping tabs on him (sorry obsessing here a bit).
I remember one time in particular time (that I am still angry and resentful over...I know, let it go)-we were talking on IM, I had had a pretty bad day and wanted to talk. He told me after a few minutes that he had to go. Seems there was this baseball game he had to go to. I asked him what position he was playing and he said 'oh I'm not playing I just have to be there to support the team'. I was LIVID. I often wonder if it was in fact a game or that OW came up on line. (he's not that fast a typist).
I know that when H sees me looking sad-for whatever reason-he also feels bad because he can pretty much guess why-most times he's right on the money too. For him all his feelings of guilt and self loathing come back and as he's a classic avoider, he pushes them inside himself. He does try to lift me up but he doesn't bring A up and appologize again, he says that because I'm probably already thinking about he doesn't feel he needs to remind me.
And usually all I need is a long hug, to feel him want to hold me and comfort me, most of the time words are not even necessary.
