Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

I've been very good at being sweet and kind,(mostly) not bringing up relationship talk, the OW, his lying, or anything else negative... HE is talking about her a lot more -- what he did with her on the visit, how he is feeling about her -- and how he is sadly becoming sure she cannot work out for him... (I take this with a HUGE grain of salt -- in fact a shaker-full of salt! -- but he is being quite open about a lot of things he wasn't open about before.)

(We did have another bit of a discussion about how he does not want to be perceived as a liar... but I won't and can't budge on that. I am not calling him a liar, but I'm NOT willing to "pretend" (as he actually asked!) that he is not and has not been lying! Howver I do not bring it up, nor call him on his lies... I've even managed to keep my dubious or disgusted look off my face (or, since I'm not sure I'm that good a poker face, I turn my face away...)

And HE has been much more open about his unhappiness about how the OW will not work out... He has been much more affectionate with me, and has even said he is sort-of willing to try to recreate our marriage, but not until I lose weight. He thought Michaele's idea of "not the old marriage but a new one," was a good idea.

He has said that he is sort-of over his deep, deep depression he suffered for the couple weeks after he came home (missing her and unhappy with how it went with her). He's sad, but because he knows she loves him, he's able to stay reasonably balanced and focused on catching up on work. (The strong addiction has worn off he says, but he still needs to know she loves him so feel has a sense of being loved -- MY love no longer does that for him.)

He DID say, however, that the visit made clear to him my good qualities -- esp. my constancy in love with him (which he most desperately needs, he says). She vacillates between loving him and seemingly not loving him... She insults and abuses him; ( I expressed my dismay and repulsion that she would would insult and humiliate him -- that to me his 'dignity' was to be observed no matter how angry I get at him. She does not seem to care about his dignity or his soul...)

He said there was a serious withdrawal/depression with her refusng contact (because she's an insane paranoid, convinced I mean her harm). But over the couple weeks he has adjusted and felt reasonably well with no contact.

He has said he's done with lying (to me, not to her as she requires "managing" to keep her from blowing a gasket!), and really regrets very much 'going along' with some of the lying and plotting she instigated... It's "out of his character" (he says) and made him feel bad (and resulted in bad results in his day-to-day life with me!) I was feeling very positive, and hopeful -- perhaps he was telling me the truth about his accepting that it cannot possibly work with her (he admits, with detailed descriptions of how it went when he was there, that there really doesn't seem to be anyway he would be able to live with her... The week with her really made that clear.) (Do I believe him? I don't know.)

The problem with THAT is, she has written him, and he has written her back in an email account I'm not supposed to know about. So, he's STILL lying to me. And then she actually phoned and left him a message to please call her (when, of course, he could assure her I was nowhere around; in fact,she asked him to leave the house and call her from out... Did I mention she's paranoid?) -- which upset him -- because he REALLY did not want to talk to her: both because it might be painful to re-establish contact and then have her cut him off again;, and because every phonecall from her has been her blowing a gasket and him having to maneuver and manage and .. well... he just says there is no sense of delighted anticipation at calling her -- just apprehension and a bit of dread. He even got drunk that evening (with my help ) to avoid thinking about it.

He called her the next day and she had set up another email account for him so she could reach him if she wants without me knowing... Amazingly -- he TOLD me this! (Not where or anything, but that she had done this. He expressed concern that it means she will want to re-establish contact -- and yet *I* know about the hidden emailing... (Only a couple of emails, and she mentioned that she wasn't supposed to contact him.)

But now, with this new account, I'm concerned they will re-establish constant contact..

So -- I am re-dedicating myself to NOT believing him, no matter his wonderful loving and his kind words... I have not stopped, anyway, working on myself (I'm down 4 pounds in the last two weeks -- he's proud of that too!) but I was allowing myself to have a greater sense of hope that he might indeed be returning....

We had a long (quiet and calm) discussion of his desire to go 'rent' an escort... to talk to mainly, he says, but, yes have sex with it it works out that way... I have VERY strong feelings, but managed to keep my conversation calm and express my dismay and ... probable unwillingness... to accept that action on his part.

We negotiated a 'deal' that he won't commit suicide OR go chase escorts until at least his birthday (early Oct) -- so that I can continue to show him I am serious about my changes. So, I am not stressing (much) about the continued contact (despite SO SO SO wanting to slam him with what I know!) and am working on myself and being gentle and happy with him.

He says, (and has said all along) that I have the foundations of a much greater beauty that the OW; it's just covered over by my weight. So, that's both nice to hear and a positive sign. (Baby steps! YAY!)

It's all disconcerting. I DID manage to NOT snoop on his phone call with her...

NW