Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Are you happy? You don't sound happy to me. Are you healthy? Do you look in the mirror and love who you see? What are you going to do about it, so that you will be happier and more fulfilled, regardless of what Neo thinks or says or does?

I am actually happy -- despite my pain and sorrow and fears/apprehension for my future -- I'm basically a happy person. IF we end up divorced, I will suffer great pain and loss, and then get over it and carry on with my life -- and likely find a new husband at some point... That's my view of life -- it's all lessons we go through, and some are extremely hard and painful, and some are light and lovely... Right now, I'm learning a very hard, very painful (and seemingly very long) lesson, but I'm doing my best to LEARN it so I can go on to the next one. I HOPE the next one will be recovering and creating a new marriage with him. If not, well, I find out what it will be when it arrives ("no wine before it's time" and all ... or is that no WHINE before it's time? )

This disturbed me GREATLY. Why are you telling your goals to him? Are you seeking his approval? Your goals are for YOU. Stop talking about them, and start living them. Stop telling him, and start telling YOU and acting on what you say. It is a bonus if your H ever notices that you have changed. But talking about it, telling him, doesn't get the job done. You actually have to take the actions, make the changes in your behavior, do the work, and grow. Keep your word with YOU. Then if he notices it is gravy. You make the changes because you will feel better, be healthier and happier. You do it for you.

I am negotiating with him, a bit desperately, because I wish him to stay ALIVE until he can notice my changes. He and I spent most of yesterday lying together on the couch watching movies (I'm talking, like, 8 hours!) and again today, after breakfast and some housecleaning and all, we were back on the couch watching some more movies (our Blockbuster guy let us rent twelve movies, even though the limit is nine)!

After one (I got a bunch of chick flicks, which lately he enjoys and make him tear up...) we turned the TV off and talked for about an hour... He told me WAY more than he had about his visit with the lizard, and why she is just unsatisfactory, and he's baffled why he fell so hard and so completely, and how she is entirely unsuitable -- and not , as he had expected, a turn-on for him -- which baffles him more still! And we discussed the emptiness he feels, and I again (as I always do -- gee, guess that calls for a 180!), discussed the possiblity of him taking anti-depressants -- and he almost considered it, then rejected it again... (But that's WAY closer than I 've gotten him before!)

Anyway... discussing MY views, my goal -- and he says he DOES recognize the changes I've already made in relating to him -- the question he has is should he /CAN he "wait" -- he WOULD like to fall back in love with me, but is trying to work out ... wayposts ... to keep him alive. Right now there is the cruise in July. And then a very dear friend has said he would like to come visit in September, so H THINKS he can make it till then; that his visit would be a goal worth hanging on for. I said we can go with that, that far -- and he can watch and see if I begin to meet my commitments, which may give him enough hope to continue beyond.

He also was still disturbed because I had said, the night he returned home, that one of the things *I* was strugglnig with was if Michele's techniques worked, and he turned back toward me -- would *I* want him back? COULD I get over the hurt and anger and resentment? That I was trusting what I had read here on the forum, that yes, the LBS CAN get over it and the marriage can be strengthened and saved, and so I was trusting to that -- but that right now, in my pain, I was just not sure. He said today that he COULD not "go on" with the slim slight hope that I could become his love once again, if after waiting and hoping, it turned out I could not take him back. (I pointed out that even now, in the midst of my pain and anger and resentment, I STILL can't resist him -- that even as he is out of love with me, and in love with someone else, and all -- I am stil engaging in sexual behaviour with him, I am still living with him and hoping to recover my marriage -- so there really is no fear that we would come out the other side and I would NOT wish to stay... He seemed to take comfort in that, and I hope will continue to allow me to change without losing all hope and killing himself.)

Now, we ALSO had a lovely talk after the next movie (with the special feature playing at real low volume; neither of us watching) about our (actual!) lovemaking the night before. We had bought some cabernet (which he discovered while in England, he could get drunk (or buzzed) on, without the ill effects on him that booze normally has). (I say "actual" lovemaking because with one exception -- a month+ ago -- we've not had sex in 8 YEARS!)

Anyway, I/he got him buzzed, and I ... sorry, let me try not to be too graphic... after I performed some oral sex on him, he asked if I want to ride him. (!!) YIPPEE! So, let me just say we had a lovely lovely interlude and it was wonderful for us both, and afterwards I lay with my head on his chest for about a half-hour, and then since he was going to sleep (he's still sleeping in the guest bedroom) I kissed him and as I got up he said: "I love you." (!!) And I said "I love you too dear heart!"

Sorry it's graphic -- but it's also SO FAR out of normal! (Yes, I know -- expect an immediate, or shortly-to-come, withdrawal... And that's okay -- I have had my shot of hope to last me for a while yet!) (I did also tell him in our discussion today that I had told my family, and my lawyer, about his threat to 'cripple' me. We discussed that because I said it appeared fakey and staged, and I felt that he had practiced it with the lizard.. He claims not -- but since I am not believing anything I hear, I don't need to believe him or not on it -- so it's no matter.)

Okay, so our talk a few hours ago was me describing how much pleasure he'd brought me, and he was so delighted to be able to bring me pleasure -- and well, it was NOT a discussion such as we have had in eight years!! I think, in some important ways, this is another turning point -- even if he backslides... She and he have apparently agreed NOT to be in contact at all for the next two years -- hell of a break for me, eh?!)

But the last part in particular really disturbed me. You said you would not snoop, and then you immediately snooped. Upon threat of physical violence. You did not control yourself.

Correct. I justify it (or is that rationalize it?) that I MUST have the truth to base my views on. If I begin to believe him again -- and clearly, as you've read above, I AM -- I MUST know whether or not this is more playing me or actually his position...

There is no excuse for abuse or even threats of abuse. But can you see that you are provoking this man? You know your behavior isn't acceptable. And then you showcase your unacceptable behavior, taunt him with it, flaunt it in front of him, and act justified and "right" and argue for an hour about it. Are you a masochist seeking negative responses?

No I just screwed up... The night he came home, I forgot to deal with him as a liar and a man in MLC -- I thought I COULD tell him the truth and we'd negotiate and deal with it... BIG mistake. One I will not make again!

If you want an opportunity for ANY KIND of amicable R with your H, I suggest you detach IMMEDIATELY and if you can't manage that in his presence then get out of there. Seriously, Neo's Wife. Time to put your words into action, no foolin'.

I've done extremely well since the first night he came home at being light and breezy, detached and lovingly kind... I've managed with only one or two exceptions to offer him nothing -- but to be responsive to his requests. I am not following him up and down the stairs, but am doing my own thing in the house whether he's in the room or not.

We've had calm and comfortable interactions, including more sexual contact than just the one above (I note that -- because until the lizard appeared in our lives we were having no sexual contact of any sort for years... NOW, we are! Now, he's being more honest and open about his desires,and so am I. Now, we're interacting like a married couple (go figure!!)

With that said, I want you to know that I realize how hard this can be. It is not easy to make changes, especially if the patterns are deeply engrained. However you have a great opportunity here. Start giving yourself a life you can love. What kind of resources are you making available to yourself, for your personal growth and well being? There are some great books out there, or how about an IC or a 12-step program. Because I see addictive destructive behavior here, and I encourage you to take steps now to stop.

Thank you for the advice -- which I AM heeding -- and to the best of my ability (well, almost), following! I see a change in my 'connection' with him already. I'm no longer relying on him as my main source of companionship and friendship; I'm pulling back from total reliance on him. I'm making the changes I mentioned somewhere above: NOT helping, NOT mommying, NOT speaking without thought (as much as I can, I still slip up -- but I'm much better!)

I'm spending some time tonight reading here on the forum -- because I need repeated reminders to NOT slip into believing today's/this weekend's lovely occurances mark a significant change in his state. This is merely a wonderful and warm 'step-out' from his craziness, and I must brace myself for the return of the alien (gee, maybe the alien only works weekdays?! That'd be a joy!)

NW