Mea Maxima culpa!

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Neo's Wife, What I am seeing and what I think GH might be alluding to in his message to you is not just about the past and not just about how you didn't fulfill your promises/contract of your marriage. You said

Oh I absolutely understand my role in it.. My friends and family are harassing (well, strongly advising) me that I am NOT to blame -- however I agree with him that I did NOT meet my commitment to him to lose weight and ameliorate my demeanor... I was derelict in being lazy and not working hard enough (I mean really -- I had EIGHT YEARS! to make change, and I made slow, small, and not-even-steady changes...) His complaint against me is valid.

It's good to identify your role in the demise of the marriage. But, this sounds like you are beating yourself up, for failures you believe you have made, and I do not see that helping you grow, change, and become who you truly want to be NOW. This is not about his perception of you. This is about your perception of you. Are you happy? You don't sound happy to me. Are you healthy? Do you look in the mirror and love who you see? What are you going to do about it, so that you will be happier and more fulfilled, regardless of what Neo thinks or says or does?

From a previous post earlier in the day, I read:

However (I told him):
I AM vowed to pretend the EA/PA doesn't exist;
I am going to work even harder at detaching myself from him;
I am moving ahead with GAL and the PMA -- which should relieve some pressure on us both.
I AM going to go away for a week: I told him I'd been advised to split for a week before he arrived, but I was not ready/willing to do so -- but that I WOULD be doing that soon.
I will stop listening in to his conversations (He threatened me with "crippling" if he caught me listening again. I take his threat half-seriously; it was too plastic, too rehearsed -- probably with the lizard -- but I have also notified family and friends, and will probably drop a note to my lawyer -- and let him know I have done so. (He says that so long as I don't eavesdrop I am completely safe.... As I'm sure all batterers insist....) But I am finally getting the point... Snooping only hurts ME!

I will say I am going to snoop a bit longer -- I need to know if this TOO is more plotting between them. Having confirmed that, I will ...

This disturbed me GREATLY. Why are you telling your goals to him? Are you seeking his approval? Your goals are for YOU. Stop talking about them, and start living them. Stop telling him, and start telling YOU and acting on what you say. It is a bonus if your H ever notices that you have changed. But talking about it, telling him, doesn't get the job done. You actually have to take the actions, make the changes in your behavior, do the work, and grow. Keep your word with YOU. Then if he notices it is gravy. You make the changes because you will feel better, be healthier and happier. You do it for you. But the last part in particular really disturbed me. You said you would not snoop, and then you immediately snooped. Upon threat of physical violence. You did not control yourself. There is no excuse for abuse or even threats of abuse. But can you see that you are provoking this man? You know your behavior isn't acceptable. And then you showcase your unacceptable behavior, taunt him with it, flaunt it in front of him, and act justified and "right" and argue for an hour about it. Are you a masochist seeking negative responses? If you want an opportunity for ANY KIND of amicable R with your H, I suggest you detach IMMEDIATELY and if you can't manage that in his presence then get out of there. Seriously, Neo's Wife. Time to put your words into action, no foolin'.

With that said, I want you to know that I realize how hard this can be. It is not easy to make changes, especially if the patterns are deeply engrained. However you have a great opportunity here. Start giving yourself a life you can love. What kind of resources are you making available to yourself, for your personal growth and well being? There are some great books out there, or how about an IC or a 12-step program. Because I see addictive destructive behavior here, and I encourage you to take steps now to stop.