Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Well, it started out great! I had put up balloons and a "welcome home H" sign in the garage... He was surprised and pleased - -a bit stiff but glad to be home. He'd shaved his beard -- which I think looks like sh|t! But she liked it {frown}... But I did NOT say anything about it (then...).

He came in and immediately asked where I'd like to sit and talk (which worried me...). I said either bedroom; so we sat and he told me about his trip, the flights, what he'd seen and so on... I managed to be light and friendly. Then he said ... because he thought I'd like to know.. that although I had said I believed they were going to start their physical affair , they had not, THat HE had decided not to, although he'd had the chance -- because he was not willing to have that further deeper bond with her, andthen have to leave her -- it would hurt him even more than he could manage...

He said the first couple days were VERY bad, she was cold and unfriendly -- and he'd even thought of calling the airlines and leaving.. but with patience, he managed to win her back over into total love with him. {sigh} Then, on his way to the airport, she decided (yet again) that *I* had' outed" her -- someone had written her asking if her real name was the same person as the pseudonym she uses in her.. less-than-entirely-savoury... website discussions; and she decided *I* had made that connection public (which I had not). But he said she was insulting him and nasty to him and so on... and told him to contact her when he was finally and completely divorced and not before... (So he was dreadfully depressed -- said he'd even had trouble breathing at the airport...)

But when he told me about the "non-start" of the PA, I was INTENDING to hold my tongue -- I had already told him I was going to pretend she did not even exist in the world -- but then he pushed me about what I thought/felt about it... So I misstepped BIG TIME! I told him I wished I could believe him, but he was a liar multiple times over -- and so I could NOT believe anything he says at all. I pointed out that the phone bill had come, and there it was -- a 41-minute call to her -- JUST as I had said he made an dhe denied ("Oh," he said, "that was BEFORE you left the house. I called her while you were still at home, NOT after the garage door closed." I said: problem: I wrote down the date and time ot check the bill -- AND you didn' t HAVE 41 minutes out of my presence -- remember? I was following you up and down the stairs -- when did you get 41 minutes without me around? He tried to defend himself a bit more -- I said well, perhaps you did call her before I left -- I don't think so, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt -- yet you SWORE up and down you were NOT in contact with her -- and here's the phone bill with her number all over it! So, either way -- you LIED yet again!

Well -- anyway... no sense in rehearsing the whole (hour+-long) argument... Y'all have heard it or been through it yourselves... He objects VERY strongly to being perceived as a liar and a cheat -- so I said then QUIT LYING AND CHEATING!!!

But I did manage, after a while to get control of myself again; and I calmly and gently told him I don't know how we keep getting into this same argument; that Michele says to 'do something different' -- and I am trying to figure out how to break this pattern, but I have not found the path yet.

However (I told him):
I AM vowed to pretend the EA/PA doesn't exist;
I am going to work even harder at detaching myself from him;
I am moving ahead with GAL and the PMA -- which should relieve some pressure on us both.
I AM going to go away for a week: I told him I'd been advised to split for a week before he arrived, but I was not ready/willing to do so -- but that I WOULD be doing that soon.
I will stop listening in to his conversations (He threatened me with "crippling" if he caught me listening again. I take his threat half-seriously; it was too plastic, too rehearsed -- probably with the lizard -- but I have also notified family and friends, and will probably drop a note to my lawyer -- and let him know I have done so. (He says that so long as I don't eavesdrop I am completely safe.... As I'm sure all batterers insist....) But I am finally getting the point... Snooping only hurts ME!

I will say I am going to snoop a bit longer -- I need to know if this TOO is more plotting between them. Having confirmed that, I will ...

Oh hell-- and there it is: he just wrote her .. Well, that's that!

Sad sad Neo's Wife...