I'm alternately worried about how he will be when he arrives (around 7-8 tonight) and planning carefully for how I will greet him. Per Michele W-D: joyously, happily, and warmly... (And then too, I really AM glad he's home...)
The old imagination is running wild: he'll call me from the airport to meet him for dinner and tell me he's moving into a hotel (unlikely). He'll get home and say he's divorcing me right away and the heck with our money situation -- he has to have her (unlikely). He has ACTUALLY lost her (and there is no way on this earth or any other I would believe him!) and is too depressed to live ((likely? unlikely? No way to know!). I'm TRYING to keep my imagination shut down (interestingly, I'm almost entirely successful in keeping my "mental eyes" turned away from what might have gone on over there with her. Good for me!) I was also just a minute ago watching, yet again, Michele on her Marriage Breakthrough DVD -- it's become my talisman for my future!
However, it's 100% the truth that, other than greeting him with love and pleasure, I CANNOT do anything to affect what has happened, or how he will approach me or if he has made any decisions. I CAN affect everything after his approach -- merely by how *I* respond. ({sigh} Here comes some really hard work!)
I have been (repeatedly emphatically, angrily) advised by my family and the couple friends I've enlisted in a support group (yeah, a mistake, but I didn't know it when I set up my little yahoo list for them...) to pack up and spend a week at a spa -- preferably BEFORE he comes home tonight...
I won't do that (yet) -- I REALLY need to hear what he has to say when he gets home (yeah, I know -- the flaming LIES he will tell me {sigh}); and let him settle back in. I AM however, going to see about coming out to Colo for an actual session with the actual Michele... Why not?! If I NEED to get away from him (and I'm not sure I do, but EVERYONE is pushing me to do so) -- I think seeing Michele is a MUCH better use of my time than sitting at some spa getting my toenails done! (Althought the whole massage-thing sounds like a good idea, but I can get one of THOSE here! )
I'm strategizing my 180s and my detachment... I'm applying energy to my own GAL... (I'm cleaning house and sorting through my stuff to declutter and de-stress...)
Oh yeah, and I'm practicing NOT thinking about the lizard, or his desire for her, or anything about her at all... (Chant it with me: Symptom, not problem; symptom not problem; sympt......) (Well, that's AFTER she and I had several more email go-rounds. She actually wrote me telling me what drugs and dosages she recommended *I* try to get him on for his depression!! I wrote back (politely) and told her I had no such influence, but she did!. That he was out of my hands, and in hers!
Oh well {shake} not my problem, not my business (finally!), and nothing I need think about! ({sigh} WHEN-oh when will I BELIEVE that?!)
Neo's Wife
My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.
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