I was trying to find a price list for a customer who called, and, below his desk, found the stack of papers from the mgmt firm for the executive apartments (that *I* located for him) where they were going to stay when she came for a month (trip cancelled because the INS/ICE hassled her on her trip in April to see her ex-boyfriend); and the reason he's in England with her now...{frown}).

I couldn't resist, and looked through the papers. (Oh, I guess that' s the snooping, eh?).

I am quite disturbed because in the section " spouse / roomette" (I guess they meant roommate?), he had put her name (which is no surprise and not disturbing)-- and since she hasn't a social security number -- he put MINE!!! I am beyond offended by that! Talk about carelessly exposing MY identity to theft! (And in the "in case of emergency" section he put my name and number and wrote me down as "ex-wife." Tacky, but not worth mentioning to him.)

I am contemplating, -- at some future point, but not too future -- having a gentle and kind conversation, but telling him in no uncertain terms, he may NOT use my SSN for her or any other purpose except the legal ones it's required for, such as MY taxes or MY medical care!

I'm VERY disturbed by this.

On the other hand. I've had a pretty good day -- I've been working on my 180 list; formulating and refining my goals; I'm mulling over how I will greet him (he comes home Wednesday) -- I'm reminded and using as a guide what Michele wrote about greeting Jim when she came home from a conference... SHE set the tone, the mood by greeting him happily and excitedly ; rather than fearing his negative mood, she launched a positive one. So I have determined that I will greet him with joy for his return, pleasure at his company, and let him set whatever follow-on tone he wishes.

I have also determined that I will not offer him anything henceforward -- he objected/objects to being "mommied" -- to me taking care of him "like an aunt" {wince} -- so I will cease (to the VERY best of my ability) to ask if he wants anything,. I will wait for HIM to ask -- if he wants me to make him breakfast, he may ask me and I will do so.

I am just not comfortable NOT making him breakfast (say) if he asks, because he has always has and still does take such excellent care of me. It would be, in my eyes (and probably his) beyond ingratitude to refuse his requests... (We're not yet close to any last resort techniques!)

I have determined I will - to the very best of my ability -- NOT ask or talk about the lizard with him. If HE wishes to speak of how it went, I will listen with love and compassion for his (seeming?) pain. (Do I believe, as he implies in his emails/chats from England that it's not going that well? I can't, for I cannot trust anything he writes or says!)

But, he IS coming home and I will have him in the house, and involved in my life everyday -- so I can DB my tail off and see what happens!

OH! And a really big flash of learning tonight from my reading here: the whole point of DBing is (as kml, was it?, said above?) to NOT to try to 'trick ' him back, but to change myself... I have finally gotten a really good grasp on that too.

This forum is BEYOND helpful! I know I'll be desperately unhappy tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow -- but for a few hours at a time, I'm feeling positive and hopeful again... Or at least determined, and with a path and a goal...

And it doesn't MATTER how I feel -- I must do what I think is the best choice in accordance with the DB techniques, and see where it leads!

And now, back to reading threads!!


My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.