Mea Maxima culpa!

[Walking]

Hi Neos_wife

This is a really tough time for you and I want you to know how much I empathise and understand what you are going through. It seems only yesterday I was going through the same tortuous, hidious set of circumtsances.

But I would also like to tell you that you remind me so much of me at the beginning of my own drama. So wrapped up in your own pain and looking for a "quick fix" that you'll DB as much as you can to "trick" your husband into coming back and it's not going to happen like that NeosW - it's just not.

You spend so much time explaining to other posters why you "can't" do the things they suggest or the things that the DB philosophy advocates because you are "fat" or because you haven't lost enough weight ... crap ... your own posts over the past few weeks have told us that he is at best a very misguided man - at worst a con artist ...

Except he is in total control -- and that includes the several credit cards in *my* name he has filled up with low-interest cash advances. He feels, and I agree, that if the companies are willing to 'lend' us credit card money at 0%, we'd be crazy NOT to use that! So we roll over the debt to each new 0% card as we pay the balances down.

But then I (snooped and) found the message he wrote HER saying he'd start sending her $500 a month support -- because she's broke

We are trying to pay down this huge indebtedness AND save up for me to move on with -- and then he wants to send HER money!

does he?

He is (I am thankful) firmly committed to making sure I get a financially sound "send off." He says to me -- and to her -- that he "has never and will never leave an ex-wife bleeding in the middle of the road." He 'sent off' his previous ex very very well (still paying her $1,600 a month, till she dies) -- but he does not have the resources to do so for me, and thus we agreed on the two years before he divorces me, trying to gain enough income (and me to re-establish my career; I'm 50.)

so who's paying the $1600 month NeosW - you or H?

I was horrified (beyond all my imaginings) to discover yesterday, that we are NOT, as I thought I knew, a “mere” {shudder) $45,000 in debt – we are $95,000 in debt!!! (Not including the mortgage.) We do NOT, as I thought I had understood from him (for these past couple years), have enough cash on hand to pay off nearly all our debt if we needed to immediately – because apparently nearly half of our ‘cash on hand” is cash advances, i.e., part of the debt.

So you are a "kept" wife - but you weren't aware that he was using your security/capital to secure loans inexesss of what you were prepared to risk?

(His vague plan / desire / wish which he mentioned in passing, and then disavowed as merely wishful thinking on his part, was to take the cash-on-hand, and just run away, live on it till it ran out an dthen kill himself -- and since he has been suicidal all his life, that is NOT "just talk"

My question is what did he bring in to your marriage - because if he has nothing to lose but that which you have handed over to him, perhaps he has nothing to lose.

Yes, I do – but I am leaving myself open to a huge financial disaster if I do not stay aware... although, as one planner put it: ”what can you DO? You don’t have access or control of the money You need to get a job, right away and start preparing yourself, no matter what!"

and how is that working for you???

but we wholly support and are committed to the H being the leader of the family; the wife being willingly subordinate to him in most things.

ditto the last comment - not so flash at the moment I assume

Thanks for answering kml. I like your suggestions, but can't put any of them into practice...

NeosW you can either DB or you can roll over and let this man take you to the cleaners ... you are stronger than that.

You are better than that.

I am saying these things because I have been you. I know it's tougher than you want to hear. I know it's not what you want to hear. If you are ready for it, you will understand it - if not - I wish you well anyway.

Good luck Neos_wife - I suspect you are going to need it.