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The danger lies in how it affects our moods, and therefore interferes with our DBing - for instance, if I snoop and see H called OW this afternoon, I'm likely to be a bit snippy with him when he gets home. All he knows is I'm in a bad mood!

Oh man, I see today exactly what you mean by this... I haven't heard from him in two days, and my paranoia was in super-duper overdrive! But the lawyer visit calmed me down tremendously (really nice lawyer, really mediocre news, but having it straight and pretty settled in my head is actually quite calming!)

So, I had my first water aerobics class at the Y today, lot of fun, and I didn't pass out! but when I got home to this empty empty house, and was on the computer, I decided to finish copying the messages I've snooped into the "long file" of their discussions... Oh MAN that's painful...

And reading his words about how he is plotting with her (all the TIME, it seems!) is, as you said, destructive... I am missing him terribly, and WILDLY suspicious, and afraid he may bolt -- I even went looking at the online statements for our credit cards (okay, for HIS credit cards!) to see what he was doing over there... Didn't find anything (I suppose it takes a while for the overseas charges to show up anyway), but I was feeling quite bad, and decided, as it is just 9:30 p.m. there, I would call -- you know... for business reasons... THAT'S the ticket!

He was (seemingly) glad to hear from me; we discussed the business stuff, he said he misses me; he said, again, that things are awkward with her -- but he can't say why cause it's a very small apartment, and she had company over for dinner right then.

I said I had skype-chatted him some stuff; had he gotten it? No. (Which makes me more suspicious of HER -- it's her computer, and my skype shows the stuff went through to his account; but... he hasn't gotten it?)

(He says he cannot get the cell phone to work still.)

I asked if he'd gotten his email working, he said no. I said I really wanted him to read the message she'd sent me twice -- and he said, well, we'd discuss it when he comes home; he didn't want to try tro deal with it there. He suggested I just not to answer it... I said, well, um, I did -- just one line but I answered it. (I sent her: "Do you truly see H this way?" I didn't tell him what I sent though, not till he reads the "poem" she sent me. I'll be interested to see if she answers me.. I know... bad bad bad... I don't KNOW how to stop interacting... Well, I guess I know, I'm just not strong enough yet to stop...)

We discussed the talk he had with her physicist friend (H is an amateur physicist) and how that went...

He and I had just a nice regular talk (told about the Y -- he was pleased!), I'm not sure I feel better, but I feel less dreadful... (I remember in one of Michele's books, she said many people in our situations said that, even with the stress, pain, anger, and emotional upset, it felt better to be WITH the spouse than to be away... That's how I feel...

(We talked, a few days before he left, and I said I noticed that I was following him up and down the stairs, like a puppy...That it DOES make me feel better to be near him, and so I am 'trimming my sails to his wind.' And bless his twisted, lying little heart -- he started making a point of telling me when he was leaving, and how long he'd be upstairs or downstairs, so I could come along...
(And I told him once recently, when we were talking in bed -- that there is this old old saying; "love is a spaniel that prefers blows from one hand to caresses from another...")

So, part success: the GAL of the Y, and the lunch tomorrow with my neighbor. Part not-so-successful: answering her, and letting him know I miss him (but it was wonderful to hear he misses me too!).

My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.