Quote: If he doesn't know I'm snooping, how does he see it affecting how good our relationship could be?
The danger lies in how it affects our moods, and therefore interferes with our DBing - for instance, if I snoop and see H called OW this afternoon, I'm likely to be a bit snippy with him when he gets home. All he knows is I'm in a bad mood!
Quote: Well, except for not loving me (except "as a family member" ) and, of course the blatant thing of the mistress -- he IS acting as head of the household. He is still taking wonderful care of me; he is protective ({eye roll} except of my feelings where the lizard is concerned -- and even there, he is doing his utmost to protect my feelings, except where it conflicts with her or his relationship with her). The running up of debt was for my benefit too -- *I* am the one he took , and is taking, on cruises; he takes me out to lunch twice a week, and dinner once a week scheduled and many other times just so I don't have to cook... He is providing me with everything I could want
Nooooo....if he WAS acting as responsible head of the household, he would NOT be running up $35,000 of credit card debt in your name to pay for expendibles like restaurant meals and cruises. That's the worst kind of financial irresponsibility, and those meals will end up costing you many times their original cost by the time those cards and interest get paid. You put your life in his hands and HE is screwing it up. (BTW - this has nothing to do with you being fat. yes, I'll agree, you have a duty TO YOURSELF to do your best to be healthy, and that's a marital obligation too. But he MARRIED you when you were fat, so that obviously wasn't an absolute deal-breaker for him then. It's just his convenient excuse now for his inexcusable behavior.)
I suspect you have put this faith in your H as head of household because you didn't want to have to think about realities like "gee, we can't afford to take this cruise or eat out again this month". Unfortunately, putting your head in the sand has now put you in a really bad financial position.
How will you get out of this hole? First, you need to figure out some way to get H to pay some of that cash on hand to YOUR credit cards. Realistically, it may take legal action to get this, and he may spend it all before you can freeze the funds if you don't take legal action soon - what does your attorney say?
Second, you probably need to think about finding work - some way to make an income. The odds that you will get stuck with some or all of that debt is very high.
Third - if things are going to work out with your H, you will have to move forward to a new R, not return to the old one. The old one includes a depressed guy who was dealing with his feelings of inadequacy by overspending, and then the stress of debt was making him more depressed. Consider in the future, if things get better with him, having him listen with you to the Dave Ramsey radio show or tapes - an emphasis on debt-free living that would give you both hope, I'm sure.
I don't mean to sound harsh - I actually think thewre is a lot of hope in your sitch - but it won't get healthy until the ostrich pulls her head out of the sound (which you seem to be doing).
