Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Thanks for answering kml. I like your suggestions, but can't put any of them into practice...

Don't communicate with OW. Tell H you would very much appreciate it if the woman he is cheating on you with would have the class to QUIT BOTHERING YOU!!!! Let H have to leap to your defense rather than hers.

{sigh} Yeah, my mom says ignore her too, it will drive her nuts... In the car on the way home from the very helpful lawyer (who, unfortunately has his office about a trillion miles away...), I thought: ah! I should write to her just this: Do you truly think of H this way?

I don't entirely agree with the anti-snooping law. No snooping is proposed because knowing too much about the affair sometimes interferes with GAL and showing our spouses how good our R could be.

If he doesn't know I'm snooping, how does he see it affecting how good our relationship could be? I will admit if does interfere with my life; if I'm spending time hovering outside his office door listening to him coo to her -- or plot nasty tricks against me -- it's taking up time I could better use reading this forum... but if I had NOT hung around and learned of the plot, I would be feeling sorry and supportive of him spending a ton of money flying to England to spend time with her! I think knowing it's a trick against me is more worthwhile because it helps me detach from him... it reminds me (SO clearly) that if his lips are moving, he's lying to me...

BUT - knowledge is power and I agree it would be stupid to let him waltz off with the money and blow it all on lizard. And let's face it, H will probably thank you if he wakes up from this in the future and finds out you have preserved some financial sanity for you both.

I hope so. He's just textbook MLC, from all I've read here.... Absolutely TEXTbook! (My mom and a dear friend are pointing out that I tend to "pick up" wounded animals -- and wounded men -- and try to heal them. Well, my beloved H is surely a wounded man; I have alway desired to heal him.... But it may be that my lesson in this marriage is to NOT pick a wounded man! {sigh} (Interestingly, talking to my mom just now -- about answering the lizard -- I realized the OW is a wounded lizard too... That's how I met her, helping her!! Bit of a breakthrough thought there... Have to work on it and figure out what it means for me...

do not believe it is healthy for a wife to submit to a H when he is NOT performing his duties as head of the household. Clearly your H is not, by abandoning you for OW and running up all this debt. He's also given you pretty clear indications that he's suicidally depressed and needs help.

Well, except for not loving me (except "as a family member" ) and, of course the blatant thing of the mistress -- he IS acting as head of the household. He is still taking wonderful care of me; he is protective ({eye roll} except of my feelings where the lizard is concerned -- and even there, he is doing his utmost to protect my feelings, except where it conflicts with her or his relationship with her). The running up of debt was for my benefit too -- *I* am the one he took , and is taking, on cruises; he takes me out to lunch twice a week, and dinner once a week scheduled and many other times just so I don't have to cook... He is providing me with everything I could want (except his love, devotion, and fidelity... {eye roll})

As for suicidally depressed? He has been since I met him -- he was gearing up to kill himself (as he saw no reason to go on)... till I showed up and became his reason for living... (Did I mention he's a wounded man?) (Wanna bet it's painful to hear him tell HER the EXACT same things he told me?)

Transfer the cash from a joint account into one in your name only. H will be furious when he finds out but simply calmly state that he has told you in the past he would blow it and commit suicide, that you didn't feel safe with it in his control, and that you will happily provide him with an accounting so he can know you aren't doing anything inappropriate with the money.

Unforutnately we have no joint accounts. I have my own savings and checking and money market; but the bulk of "our" money is in his individual accounts... I asked him to transfer half the money market to my account and he flat-out refused...

- Cancel any joint credit cards that you can - don't let him rack up any further debt that you could be stuck with.

We have no joint cards -- but he has (over the years) gotten cards in my name, and rolled money onto and off of them (we get lots of offers for 0% interest, and so we roll our debt over as we pay it down... Right now, the debt is split at about $36k on credit cards in my name, and $65k on cards in in his or the business's name.

- Plan for the worst - hopefully it won't happen, but do you have a plan for how you would handle this debt if h doesn't come home? Should you start working on a plan to raise your income? Is there housing equity or retirement funds? I assume the financial planners have gone over all this with you.

If he doesn't come home... no. I actually (mostly) believe him that he WILL come home. If he doesn't, it's call the police time! (I guess... I'd have to file immediately for divorce and protection against his financial misdeeds..

- If the credit cards H has with him are joint cards, you could consider freezing them (or reporting them stolen?) if he doesn't return on time. At the very least, monitor activity on them so you know if he's starting to run them way up.

No joint cards. (I am a "user" on his AMEX, and he on mine -- but I could chuck him off mine with a phone call -- oh, and as a matter of fact, he doesn't even have that card with him... So he has only his own (usual) cards with him (he carries just three cards; the rest are stored away at home, unactivated!) Thank you kml, you've just led me to a another bit of information that helps me feel better!