Don't communicate with OW. Tell H you would very much appreciate it if the woman he is cheating on you with would have the class to QUIT BOTHERING YOU!!!! Let H have to leap to your defense rather than hers.
I don't entirely agree with the anti-snooping law. No snooping is proposed because knowing too much about the affair sometimes interferes with GAL and showing our spouses how good our R could be. BUT - knowledge is power and I agree it would be stupid to let him waltz off with the money and blow it all on lizard. And let's face it, H will probably thank you if he wakes up from this in the future and finds out you have preserved some financial sanity for you both.
I do not believe it is healthy for a wife to submit to a H when he is NOT performing his duties as head of the household. Clearly your H is not, by abandoning you for OW and running up all this debt. He's also given you pretty clear indications that he's suicidally depressed and needs help.
Now - the tricky part is, how to take steps to safeguard the finances and at the same time, not set him off. It may not be entirely possible to do that, but I would talk to your attorney about the legality of taking the following steps:
Transfer the cash from a joint account into one in your name only. H will be furious when he finds out but simply calmly state that he has told you in the past he would blow it and commit suicide, that you didn't feel safe with it in his control, and that you will happily provide him with an accounting so he can know you aren't doing anything inappropriate with the money.
- Cancel any joint credit cards that you can - don't let him rack up any further debt that you could be stuck with.
- Plan for the worst - hopefully it won't happen, but do you have a plan for how you would handle this debt if h doesn't come home? Should you start working on a plan to raise your income? Is there housing equity or retirement funds? I assume the financial planners have gone over all this with you.
- If the credit cards H has with him are joint cards, you could consider freezing them (or reporting them stolen?) if he doesn't return on time. At the very least, monitor activity on them so you know if he's starting to run them way up.
