Quote: I agree with PL. You are a snooping addict and the only way to stop is to just go cold turkey. The best way to do that is to understand that YOU ALREADY KNOW enough so stop. You know he's having an affair and you know he's confused. You know he's in another country seeing her and you know things are not that good right now. SO STOP.
I was horrified (beyond all my imaginings) to discover yesterday, that we are NOT, as I thought I knew, a “mere” {shudder) $45,000 in debt – we are $95,000 in debt!!! (Not including the mortgage.) We do NOT, as I thought I had understood from him (for these past couple years), have enough cash on hand to pay off nearly all our debt if we needed to immediately – because apparently nearly half of our ‘cash on hand” is cash advances, i.e., part of the debt. Now, granted – that makes part of it a “wash” because the debt can be paid off by the borrowed “cash” – IF (and it’s a big if!) he doesn’t lose his mind and spend it all (I think! I hope! he won’t do that. I think he has still enough sanity not to do so -- but if he did -- that leaves ME a widow with more debt that I’ve ever known!)
(His vague plan / desire / wish which he mentioned in passing, and then disavowed as merely wishful thinking on his part, was to take the cash-on-hand, and just run away, live on it till it ran out an dthen kill himself -- and since he has been suicidal all his life, that is NOT "just talk" -- one planner, when I described this, said: "my W is a psychologist, and she says that people who talk about suicide don't do it." I said, gently, "you can ask her about this, but people who have worked out exactly in detail HOW they are going to do it, usually DO do it.." (I managed, recently, when he was sunk very deep into depression to coax him into talking to me about it -- hee would not tell me WHERE he intended to do it -- but he did tell me the method he had chosen, and how it would work (helium, enclosed space etc.) This is NOT just histrionics on his part... {sigh})
Quote: If you had not snooped, AND STILL STARTED POSTING HERE, you would probably be well on your way to GAL and doing something for yourself right now instead of STILL being focused on him and OW. You have to understand that this all hinges on what YOU DO and then WHAT he decides to open up to you about. All this stuff you're finding out is only good for court but does VERY little to help and a WHOLE lot to hurt your psyche.
Yes, I do – but I am leaving myself open to a huge financial disaster if I do not stay aware... although, as one planner put it: ”what can you DO? You don’t have access or control of the money You need to get a job, right away and start preparing yourself, no matter what!"
Quote: I totally understand protecting yourself, but there is a balance and you have clearly tipped that WAY off by all the snooping and such. Like PL said, you need to decide which is more important, saving your M, or being in the "know" about every little detail of what H is doing. The only thing that really matters is that H is not doing YOU right now and you should be trying to rectify that situation, starting with rectifying yourself.
Yes. I am doing so. I am thinking very hard about whether, or how much, to quit snooping. I think I recognize – as with all plans – if I do not commit completely and do DB all the way, I am harming my chances of success. I’m hoping the lawyer consult will help me ease my mind.
Quote: This is a TOUGH thing you're doing and it takes a LOT of guts and, well, balls to sit where you are and endure what you're enduring. I just want YOU to want to make it easier on yourself, and then to do what needs to be done, like GAL, read more and smile at the birds and trees at least once today.
The planner I liked said that my plan (to try to win him back) was extremely hard, and I must be very strong! I said, thankfully, yes I am very strong!
I spent a couple hours on the phone last night with a good friend (who is on my private Yahoo support group/list). She had written the following (W is me) (she and my mom are astrologers, so I get a lot of such advice:
Quote: Hmmm.....now how's this for a scenario of Neptunian proportions replete with roleplaying, drama, mystery, and intrigue. H has not felt that W was worthy of him for a long while. The lizard woman enters the picture by W's invite wherein H agrees to assist lizard in getting rid of boyfriend. But Neptunian opportunity knocks and the plot is hatched. H will force transformation of W through elaborate plot with lizard which will ultimately be to benefit of all. These 3 players are all very intelligent and can go beyond the usual intrigue that lowly humans would be capable of in normal life. Pluto and Neptune are great assistance in the wings with foggy backlight. But it is mainly the creativity of H and lizard that scheme this play to reach the ultimate aim.
Sound nuts? No more nuts than watching this unfold and taking it as reality. I'm reminded of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Oh man. I actually wish this WERE a plot by H to change me -- I can DO that! I just don't know if I will still want him when it's the curtain falls at the end!
My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.
