Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Are you committed to doing everything you possibly can to save your marriage? Because I am not getting that from your posts.

Oh, I am SO working on getting there! I am still flailing about (emotionally) DO I want him back? and most times I do and then I try to imagine HOW I will get to that point and if it’s even possible and ... well... it’s an old song-and-dance on the forum...

If you are committed to saving your marriage, here are a few things you can do, to start with:
1) Stop snooping
2) Stop believing what he says
[And what the e-mails said (both the good and the bad things) You can disregard 100% of what your H says right now, and at least 50% of what he does. Stop making what he says mean anything. For me, I choose to believe only what brings me joy. Everything else is just noise, like passing gas. Ignore it.]
3) Stop expecting him to tell the truth right now. Stop expecting him to lie. Stop expecting anything.
4) Start taking care of yourself. Start figuring out what you like, what you want, what makes you happy.

Thank you SO much Positively! I really needed to read your and Grasshopper’s messages this morning – WHILE I was dealing with him at her place... She had emailed me while I was out yesterday, saying that he HAD tried to reach me, but his email wasn’t working from there (and he doesn’t know why). I emailed her back, cordially, but business-like asking her to let him know... a bunch of business stuff that I would be doing to day unless he directed otherwise (responding to customers). I also wrote that he could call me as early as he wished this morning, as I had had a bad night and would be going to bed early.

He didn’t call; I woke early, and decided to call him. I asked if he had seen the message and should I proceed with the customer stuff I’d as I’d emailed. He said yes, go ahead (and use Priority mail.... and blah blah blah – just work stuff). I asked how it was going/how was he and he kinda stumbled and said it was awkward and I said .. Oh is it awkward to talk or going awkwardly? He said kind-of both.

I asked him if he had seen the message SHE sent me twice, and said that I did not want to answer her until he had seen it and directed me what/if he wanted me to answer... (He has been keeping us separate/incommunicado because she has hysterics and causes him problems when she communicates with me.) (The reason I decided to call this a.m. was she re-sent me the “poem” (which I have posted in the message immediately following): she sent it to me at around the time of his arrival in England (and I immediately forwarded it to his email for review / comment / directions on how he wanted me to handle it), and then again this morning (as I had not answered the first sending.) He said no, he had not seen it, as he could not reach his email.

If you concentrate on just these 4 things, that will be enough for a while. Try to see if everything you say and do can be managed using these 4 points.

I will do so.

Meanwhile, you did a really great job of not reacting to him when you spoke with him on the phone. That is great, a really good start. Try to add one more thing when you are interacting with him. Try to just listen, rather than respond and dialogue. Affirm him and agree with him about everything he says. If you can't agree, try some affirmative "uh-huh's" like you are listening so he will continue to talk. Digest the information on your own. Observe and listen. Do not react. Especially do not "believe" what he is saying because it will change moment to moment.

Great advice – I’m printing it out to post by the phone!

Nonetheless, with that said, it is clear that your H is confused and searching for answers. Some of the things he is saying are positive about him wanting to continue your M. Don't discount those, as you have been. Try to remain positive. If you want a chance to save your marriage, stop focusing on divorce planning and planning for a future without him.

THAT is hard -- I met with two financial planners yesterday, and meet with a lawyer today... I guess, since H is, so far, committed to two years before divorce, I CAN wait to protect myself... except the financial planners just BLANCHED at our situation and said I needed to act now/right away to protect my self... I'll see what the lawyer says today before deciding if I dare leave myself unprotected...

Do the above (and all of the techniques in Divorce Remedy as you see fit) and see what happens in a few months. Take a deep breath. Take it a day at a time. You are in a big transition, but it is all for the good in the long run. I promise. You can do this.

Oh, my heart just QUAILS at the idea of a few months of this hell! I called my mom last night and said I finally understand, in my gut, what she meant when she said that after my dad died it felt like an amputation... That you keep reaching in your mind for him.. and he's NOT there!