Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Oh thanks so much Positively! I have STUDIED your threads -- thinking how similar our situations feel, and how well you're handling it, and I'm trying to emulate your attitudes...

Things are -- just like always -- rollercoastering! I'm terrified that he actually meant what he now SAYS was just a random thought a few days ago of wishing to end his pain: that "he" has enough money to just split and 'live out' a year or two and just forget the business, the house, life, (by implication, ME and my future!) and so on... Just spend his last days free -- he said, when I tried to revisit his comment that he was NOT thinking of spending those last days with OW/her ({eye roll} and I'm supposed to BELIEVE that!?!); just thinking of being free of responsiblities and burdens. So I'm just sweating that -- we're some $40k in debt NOT counting the mortgage; and we have nearly $40k in liquid form -- except half of THAT is credit card cash advance socked away in the money market ( borrowing at 0% or 2.9% and earning 4%... He's always been a very careful and provident money manager -- but then, he was NOT insane before!!)

He says he could NOT enjoy himself for that "final" vacation knowing his death (by suicide) was coming up. I WISH I believed him, but I only sometimes do... I had asked him, since he's planning on divorcing me, if he would put half of the money market fund into MY money market account (I even offered to sign a legal contract that I would not touch that money) -- he absolutely blew a gasket, screaming at me, and saying he did NOT trust me, and "since" he wasn't planning on bolting, he would need control of the money to prepare for our differing futures, and if he DID intend to bolt, (but he swore again he wasn't) then he would want control of all the money. (The problem is -- the lies fall from his lips now like bats escaping from a cave -- he just opens his mouth and they fly out by the hundreds! (Okay, an exaggeration -- but for a man I THOUGHT was generally honest it's been a painful and scary change!)


I have no access to that money to try to protect myself (I've been thinking whether or not I could get computer acess through his computer and have them transfer half the funds to my account while he's gone; but a) the money market fund doesn' t seem to HAVE online access, and b) it would surely destroy ANY chance of a future reconciliation... (I have access to his credit card accounts online because he has always been open with me about our finances... I can log in and see, but they're all "owed" money; not socked-away money...)

So, I'm stressing about him flying off to the OW, and the possiblity of his MLC insanity leading him to bolt... Thankfully, he IS being very kind to me, still (if only I could BELIEVE his words!).

Since I asked, he has said a couple of times that he WILL be "coming home to me" on 31 May. His explanation made sense -- but then there are those lying bats! That he WANTS a future with OW -- and that requires that he be provident with "our" money. But he ALSO says that he's pretty sure it cannot work out with her; she has some personality traits and modes of operating with him that are worse even that *I* was in the beginning...

He did say yesterday it's like being a junkie, and he sees that in himself... He is ADDICTED to her, and he MUST have her; that even knowing it won't work-- he will do anything, damage anything (that's what scares me -- cause *I* am 'the thing" in the way!), to have her.

But sometimes, I AM able to reach a sentient, sane man in him; (or he could be lying his tail off to me and I'm falling for it -- even HE acknowledges it's not surprising I'm paranoid!) and he CAN see that this a mistake, a thing that is NOT going to work long-term for him. I THINK (or I am wholly deluded) that he is beginning to recognize that he DOES have a refuge in me!

We were talking yesterday,and he was advising me on what-all I need to do to seduce him back. The biggest is lose weight (as I had committed when we married); and I pointed out I could NOT do that instantly -- and I was afraid that before I could show him enough success to give him hope and reason to wait for me, he was likely to have killed himself... "Yes, that's so."

So the other is to moderate my demeanor, my way of interacting with him -- to finish what he admits I have done a good job of doing partway. He suggests. by way of immediate action to show him I've changed, that I only talk with him gently and quietly... (I tend to be a bit loud and pushy...) I discussed this at length with him, and pointed out that I was struggling with how to deal with the problem I see... that since (he has said) he sees me as matronly, as motherly, as "an aunt" {wince} -- mainly due to my size -- that EVERY thing I do he will perceive through that filter... That what he would see in someone else as a wifely, feminine task, he sees in me as aunt-like...

He said the talking to him quitely would counterbalance that, and I argued (quietly <G>) that I needed to show him big change fast, and that I was worried it wouldn't do -- since he DOES see everything I do as auntly -- did I need to stop doing? I offered the example of cooking him breakfast. That's a womanly thing, a wifely thing (he has quite traditional views, as do I) -- execept he sees it as mothering. How am I to cook him breakfast in such a way that he sees me as womanly, not auntly... Do I need to stop cooking him breakfat, as MWD would suggest (do a 180)? And then how to I balance that with the fact that he is still taking such good care of me? (I think, from the look on his face, this was the first time he'd considered that I might STOP doing what he takes so for granted!)

He did say he does not want me to stop cooking him breakfast, and that my being quiet in dealing with him would counterbalance the "hardened" negative impression of me he has. But I think I gave him a lot to think about.

Three hours till he leaves. I'm trying VERY hard to stay loving and supportive and open... Thankfully he regularly admits (which means he recognizes!) that I have been amazing in supporting him, even as it crushes me!

It's hard, but it must be done. I'm switching back and forth between _Divorce Remedy_, _How to Change Your Life, and Everyone in it_, and Michele's Marriage Breakthrough DVD (which he was watching with me!). I will be actually doing the exercises once he's gone (something to keep me from going insane, being here alone!) (Right now we're scrambling to manufacture enough stock so I can ship orders if we get some while he's gone. He was going to call me every day from England -- 2 p.m. "their" {wince} time, and 9 a.m. mine-- but I suggested yesterday that he could also email me, because he can check his email from her computer... That frees him up from having to check in on the business (and by default me...) (I didn't SAY that part...)

I'm off now to cook his "final" breakfast before he does such terrible and painful damage to our relationship... I WISH I had some certainty about how I will feel when he returns... We watched a sweet movie last night (Someone Like You) and I ended up all teary; he loved it . I said it was quite painful for me: I felt that, at the end when Hugh Jackman and Ashley get together "happily ever after," my H was envisioning the happy ending for him and OW; *I* was desperately wishing for and remembering him and ME! (although he teasingly said, he was now in love with Ashley Judd -- he's a man of fickle tastes). He said again, that he is "coming home to me" after this vacation (he's now calling it a vacation... is he lying or what? {sigh})