I've learned that there will be good days and bad. I've learned to cherish the good days, try to observe the details in them in the hopes of recreating them (and just to enhance my enjoyment), and do my best to put the bad days in perspective. It's the big picture and long term that I need to be concerned about.
Last week we saw several groups of people we only see about once a year. When we saw them last year it was really tough. Last year, my H's flirtatious friend noticed and commented right away that he seemed unhappy and tense. This year wasn't perfect by any means but it was so much better. I'm skilled at cheering others on for small progress and recognizing how important any step in the right direction can be. Now I'm learning to do that for myself and for us.
Today was a bit of a tough day. More than the usual number of triggers in the past week, and I've been sick. My H has been helpful at times in helping me deal with triggers which I have appreciated and told him so. One way he did this was to clarify situations and his feelings from the past and that disabled the trigger. I've been trying to be sure that when asking for this type of help, which would be about once a month lately, that my attitude is just right: no blaming, no anger, and very appreciative of his willingness to help. Don't always do well with this but working on it. So, I'll get back on track. Got to stay focused on the fact that things are way better than they were a year ago!
I'm sure many here would advise dealing with those triggers by myself. Often they seem to get worse and worse for me until I talk about them. I don't talk about most of them but sometimes it seems to help to get assistance from my H. It seems like progress. However, my H is highly adverse to any kind of conflict, or seeing me sad, disappointed, angry etc. He becomes terribly depressed and almost never expresses any anger towards me. I worry that helping me out may be more distressing for him than he lets me know. He is, unfortunately, very good at misleading me. I have the opposite problem and am too transparent. It keeps me from getting confused. It is terribly emotionally painful to me to not be genuine.
I have learned over these many months how to contain negative emotions better by understanding my H better. When I look through his eyes, as best I can, then I can genuinely feel compassion and express that. It really does wipe away the bad feelings. Haven't figured out how to use this for triggers. Any wise words or referrals to other postings for this?
