Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB, You are right -

If I were you, though, I'd try to bite my tongue the next time you want to do an R talk.
... See how your R talk affected your PMA and hurt your ability to show off the new you?

The R talk affected me for the remainder of the day, as it was not what I wanted to hear from H, and it quieted me down and distracted me, and made me feel like I had to do something immediately to push back, which I then had to fight against. It was a lot of work to contain myself and not do that. I will heed your advice (as best as I am able) for future, and leave it to H to bring the R up. It had been REALLY hard, for a long time with no indication of where H was at, and based on H's recent behavior, I wanted him to say something about wanting to continue the M. I guess he did that, sorta when he said ending it sounded too permanent It's never quite what I want to hear right now, is it? You are right. I need more patience. It is too soon for any of that. Damn. Damn. Damn. It seems like it has been so long already. The patience part does not get any easier.

I do not know how the WAS can tolerate this limbo, dual world stuff. I find it unhealthy frustrating and exhausting. And H says he is happy with how his life is right now? I don't want it to be my job to make him unhappy, but really, how happy can you be living a double life where you blantantly disregard your own stated values? Or maybe H does not think this is a double life. He's just married to me and pursuing a romantic R with someone else. I guess I am still not over how much that conflicts with my values. And, somewhere in there, I still truly believe H wants me, regardless of H's current contraditions. So I just want him to come on over with it already. Damn. I need to let go again. Sometimes, I think the only thing that will make a difference is if I leave completely and file for D. And I suppose even then, H's timeline will still be H's timeline, and he'll get it when he gets it, regardless of what I do. Or is that right? I certainly think periodically that I am having an impact. Am I? Do you see any improvement in my sitch? To me it still seems up and down, but not forward moving. Unless somehow the effects I have on H are cumulative, and at some point kaboom he will get who I am for him once again.

I hear your concern about this:

Also, be careful in telling him that he's hooked on a drug and that it isn't real. We may know this, but he may feel patronized hearing it from you.

Based on our personal growth work in the past, and the fact that trust has been building between H & I in our communications, I thought he might be able to hear me with an open mind. But you are right, H may have dismissed me in his mind with a "she has no idea how special my relationship with OW is" kind of thought. That's entirely possible. In any case, now that I've said it, I won't ever need to say it again.

The thing I am most concerned about right now, related to DBing, is that I fear it allows a continuation of disrespect for me, and allows H to take me for granted. I have been unable to find a way to counteract this expectation that I am just "there" for him, except for the brief periods when I have gone "dim". I am also not sure the "dim" periods were effective. Maybe they were, and I just got restless. I guess I need some confirmation that steps have happened in my sitch. I will review my history with H over the past 7 months, to see if I can see those baby steps in my direction. Because moestly I feel that we have gotten to this point several times, and no further. Perhaps that will be the case as long as he is in R with OW. However, I am ready for a permanent, life-altering breakthrough.

If you RB, or any one else, sees more than limbo repeating itself ad infinitum, and has words of encouragement for me, I would appreciate that. Meanwhile, I am hearing patience, patience and more patience.

And my thoughts right now, are to continue to add some mystery, to be unavailable and say "NO" sometimes, and to provide words of affirmation and listen alot to H when we do interact. Seems like I have been on to these thoughts for a while, though. They are harder to execute than one might think. I hate it that I feel H is so confident in having me as a back up to his OW life. I did plant the seed that I might not go on like that forever. My current challenge is that I don't feel comfortable being more aloof and mysterious while still being loving and compassionate. Slightly aloof and mysterious feels so foregn and unnatural to me. No wonder H can take me for granted when I am so predictable and reliable to H. If anyone has concrete specific ideas about being mysterious without being deceptive, I am all ears.