Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

WARNING - AS USUAL (SORRY) A VERY LONG POST WITH A LOT IN IT, IS COMING UP

Dear friends, Today is our 6th anniversary. It is also wonderfully coincidentally, the day my H became a naturalized citizen of the US. So kind of a big day all the way around. I admit to an emotional rollercoaster, but one that I believe that I somehow managed masterfully despite my screaming inner voice from the "old way of being".

I had agreed in May to provide a memorable citizenship day for H, when he agreed to postpone it at that time due to D24's graduation. I think it's a big deal to become a citizen, (of course I like to make fanfare for most things!) and H does not get that he matters much (in the world, let alone with me) yet H seemed to appreciate that I wanted to make it special for him and agreed to the postponement so I could go with him and make it special. As weeks went by, it was touch and go about whether it would be rescheduled on a day I would be here and not travelling for work, and for me it was even touch and go about whether I would last in my M being pleasant and amiable with continuing contact long enough to get there. Somehow it all worked out. I planned the hotel, which was unbelievably good planning on my part, the hotel was adjacent to the ceremony hall by walking, and we got the king size view room suite with the down comforters marble bath etc. for a remarkable low rate. I got little american flag gifts, had flowers ordered to be delivered to H in the room (red roses, blue delphineum, white baby's breath). I got champagne and little desserts to enjoy upon arrival. And although "sweets" are a traditional 6th anniversary choice, that was a secret as I decided after much forethought to NOT even mention that it was our anniversary unless H brought it up.

Well, H definitely brought it up. H mentioned it a BUNCH of times. Got sentimental and nostalgic with me - wanted to know what I thought we had accomplished during the past 6 years, big review of our life together. H also asked me an interesting question - he wanted to know whether our years together had gone slow or fast for me. I said really fast. He said, it wasn't that fast for him - not slow at all, but "medium." I have no idea what that means, but I have been thinking about it. I think H & I do move at different paces, and process information at different paces. And I tend to be the "fast one", very active, and quick to "get it and move on" so then I need to remember to be present to the fact that H is not moving at my pace, and not to get frustrated or make him wrong. So how we experience time going by may be directly related to the pace we move at in life, and when facing problems also. Not earth shattering, but interesting to me, and maybe helpful as I continue to navigate these waters.

So H was into being with me, more so than any time in the past two months. Held my hand spontaneously many times, petted my leg, ended up with several lip kisses (small ones, but sweet and no turned head this time), very cuddly, spooning with me through the night, and several "come here"'s and holding me close when I was too far away. ALL NIGHT LONG. Well, I loved it. So nice. Tried not to make any of it "mean" anything but I think I did jump forward at least a bit. Between the three phone calls H initiated while I was away last week, then the 4th "breakthrough" phone call last Friday when we both cried, then the airport pick up and visit... well, I thought to myself, H is slowly moving back towards me... maybe OW's hold is weakening? Well, I found out, maybe mine is just strengthening with H, but it is still in the face of "no agreement".

This morning the citizenship thing was awesome. All these immigrants from all over the world taking oaths and pledging allegiance - it was really inspirational. Some highlights - we got to walk "next door" while the majority of all of the other 3512 new citizens and their families had to deal with traffic and parking and a much longer walk. We got there early so H was up in row three from the stage, and I had a seat the whole time in the guest section (which I was so grateful for, as our section was over flowing standing room only soon after we arrived). H text messaged me back and forth several times and it was really really sweet. Text messaging is normally his realm with OW. I may not be the 19 texts per day person in his life right now, but I got 4 in an hour (who's comparing, I know!) But I liked it you know, we were "together" in a way we hadn't been in a long while, and it was really sweet. Last one, he texted me and said he had paper work to fill out, he would "be a while". Told me I could go back to the hotel for breakfast if I didn't want to wait. (Are you kidding! Who leaves before the end? Of anything? lol at myself) I texted him back and said I would wait for him forever. Then texted again, "How long exactly would that be? Smile" When he came out of the ceremony, I waved my little flags in the crowd for him, my new citizen H, and instead of taking the laid out path for all of the people exiting, he asked people to part the seas and we embraced publicly and it was really really nice, and sweet and romantic as far as I am concerned and I loved it. So we had a good time, over night and morning.

OK, here's the poopy, not as good part. For some reason, I just COULD NOT (or would not) avoid R talk any longer. My mind was going fruitcakes at breakfast time. I told H last week that I wanted to create a new possibility with him for our marriage, that I was committed to an extraordinary life and marriage together. When I spoke to him about creating a possibility for our marriage on that call, H said "Yes, I want to do that too". But basically, our convos over and over are just good DBing on my part - nice and pleasant and fun, I am. H is all that too, but not intimate with his thoughts and feelings. And it seemed like he was acting like he wanted more of what I've got. He's been warming up, right? But I just needed to know - is H patronizing me because it's our anniversary and he feels guilty, or is OW less important to him now, is he still on the fence about us, blah blah blah. OK, not good DBing perhaps, but a much needed reality check for me. However, is what H says reality? I dunno but I doubt it.

I guess this convo mostly informed me about what I am still up against, and it was a reminder not to get complacent or attached. H basically said the same thing he said last time (about 1 month ago) - that he needs to explore the R with OW, that he can't control his feelings for her, that he has to do this for him, instead of doing what other people always want him to do (MLC stuff right?). I (foolishly, I know) asked how long he wanted to stay married to me this way? He said "ending our marriage sounded awfully permanent" but that he couldn't exactly put a time limit on his feelings. OK, I did not push that (although I WANTED TO PUT A TIME LIMIT ON IT!) I said, becuase it seems like you like spending time with me. And he says, YES, I do like spending time with you! (WTH, is he never going to tire of living in two worlds?) He said he is happy and he likes his life right now. (you know, I hate that the most!! Why can't he be miserable without me. Damn it) Well, not much of this was what I wanted to hear. Nonetheless, not surprised, and you know, at least he talked, and he was certainly kind. I wish I could say I remembered to thank him for telling me, or that I acknowledged his honesty, but I didn't. However, I didn't react too badly. But I did end up telling H a few things that I thought he needed to hear (or at least that I needed to say). I told him that I was beginning to "get offers of attention" and while that was not the direction I wanted to go, that I am lonely. He raised eyebrows (in surprise?) when I said that. I told him that I was not sure if he would be able to "hear" some of what I had to say, but that I needed to tell him. I requested that he look really hard at the damage the R with OW was causing. I told him that I thought there was something that he needed to get about OW that he hadn't seen yet, and I asked him to look hard for it now, as time was going by fast. I told him that I cared about him deeply, more than I think he realizes. And I told him that regardless of what happens in our M, that I was very concerned for him about his R with OW, that I thought it was destructive. He said "You mean, destructive for the marriage" (like a fact, not a question) and I said "no, destructive not just for our marriage but also for all of the people who had been hurt, our girls, his son, and also for him. That he could lose everything over this. And that I didn't want to see that happen to him. Tears welled up when I spoke. Then I said, "This is risky, but I am going to say it anyway. No good can come from a R that is based on being out of integrity. No good can come from it. This is not just something that we spout in our personal growth seminars we have taken together. This is how life works. OW is like a drug. It is a fantasy, it is not real. It is wonderful to spend occasional fun weekends with her, I'm sure that feels great, but it is not real life. She does not live in your real, every day life. OW is like a drug, she is your heroin." Believe it or not, he thanked me for sharing this with him (I guess he did better than I in this regard). He did not seem upset or angry. Even with this rather emotional interchange over breakfast, we actually recovered quickly, he said he expected we would need to talk today, that it was to be expected, and we had a pleasant remainder of the day. We went to the pool for a swim, spent some time with D at her new house, helped her move some furniture and then had a lovely lunch by the ocean and a stroll, before driving home along the coast at sunset.

However, I spent much of the remainder of the day today trying to figure out what I wanted to do about what H had said about our R. I pretty much decided I did not want to do anything about it today, because I was definitely processing a lot of emotion, pain, anger, fear, rejection. Feeling taken for granted, blah blah. It caused me to pull back a fair amount, so I was much quieter and more reflective the later part of today than I had been yesterday or early this am. I went through being angry, frustrated, wanting to cut H out, give an ultimatum, etc. etc. yada yada. The remarkable part about this is, I do not think H was very aware of what I was processing. But perhaps he was. D was, of course. I am usually an outgoing bubbly person. I was reflective, a bit subdued, preoccupied.

Maybe the fact that I managed myself well, did not have any other emotions expressed today, enjoyed the sunset and meal, etc. but quietly, allowed H some time to think too. He took me by the beach where we had our first date, and mentioned the spot. Took my hand in the car. Etc. A fair amount of sweet reminiscing. Internally, I was all over the map. I thought it might be the last time I ever saw him, etc. Close to tears a few times. etc. But nothing going on for H to see. Just being with myself. Maybe this is what H was doing all the time in our M, and I never knew. Wow, poor guy. That is a lot of work, that is!

On the way home, H acknowledged me and thanked me for making it such a special 24 hrs. He loved it, said it was really memorable, asked a lot of detailed questions (did I special order the flowers, etc.) I think this was all new territory for H, to be doted upon at that level, especially in the face of what is happening in our sitch. I think it worked in my favor despite the reveals about the OW (which frankly are old news and to be expected, right?).

Before leaving tonight, I tried one last thing. I had been silent, so much of the drive. We have a friend who was at our wedding, who believes "marriage is sacred" and who offered to me to meet with H and I to "get said whatever needs to get said, without judgement" so we can move on and create a new possibility for our M. He has been involved for years in the same seminars and personal growth work that we have. So, I asked H if he would be willing to do that. He said he would like to think about it for a bit, and think about what he would want to say. I said OK. But that did open up a conversation about the seminar on relationships that I am in, and H expressed an interest in coming as a visitor with me, and also perhaps taking the next seminar series when it starts. (That is good news! Our R was at it's best when we were participating in that growth work together. That gave me A LOT of hope). He seems VERY open to conversations about that, and seems inspired by what I am sharing about what I am learning (and also about the changes he is seeing in me, I suspect.) I am grateful for that. Our ride ended on a good note.

When H dropped me off, me still being relatively quiet, he told the cat to take good care of me as he was saying goodbye. Cute, funny. But, H seemed sad to be leaving me, maybe even concerned about me. Then he asked me if I had a ride to the airport on Sunday for my work trip, but in the same breath asked me to think good thoughts for him because he has so much work to do in the next 4 days. He seemed worried. I told him I could get a ride, no problem, and that I know he'd do fine with his work. (WHOOPS!) Caught that in my head 10 minutes later. Called him on the cell, told him that I felt I had dismissed his concerns, and that I didn't want to do that. That of course he would do fine, but that I got how hard he was working, how stressful and scary that was for him at times, and that I really appreciated everything he did, how hard he works, etc. and what he does to contribute. So, I told him I knew he would do fine, but I told him I wanted him to know that I heard him and that I got it. He REALLY appreciated that I told him that. Then he asked me to call him before I leave, please? OK, if you want me to

I need to work on this words of affirmation thing. It's H's primary LL, and I am sloppy about it. I think he knows, but he doesn't! I need to tell him I appreciate him, a lot. Mental note to self, until some day I hope, it comes more naturally. No wonder H wasn'r getting his needs met. I am sloppy and make assumptions (that he already knows) when it's his primary LL!!

SO. Let's see. I am not as patient as I appear to be, but that's OK as long as you guys are the only ones that know And I need to work on making Words of Affirmatiom for H second nature. I think I had a pretty fun anniversary considering where our R is at. I think there is progress being made, even if H says he has to continue to pursue OW. I can walk any time now, so what the hell? So every day I get value and hang in there is golden.

BTW, SIL is now aware of our sitch. I offered no details, but with her questions "I REALLY need to understand what s going on with you guys" I told her that H has gotten "tangled up" in something (which explained his solo trips to Germany, not visiting family while there, etc), and I am hoping and praying he will get untangled and come home soon. She wanted to know if I was certain, had he told me? And I said yes, he told me in January, and that it has been very hard, but that I am still committed to our M. I feel really good that I spoke with her this way. Not too much info, but the truth. They are planning to come see us (I hope!) and I want this R healthy for me. I love my SIL and H's whole family. So I feel much better about that now. It will be interesting however, if it gets back to H, as he has continued to lie and/or withhold with all of them regarding the true nature of our sitch. Somehow, however, I think that is good too that he is trying to protect the image of us together. He tells them "I need to check with PL about that" I believe somewhere in H's heart he knows I am the one. Here's hoping he finds that buried truth once again (and sooner rather than later would be my preference )

New strategies may be in order here. I am trying to get my bearings about that. At least I threw in some mystery a few times in our convos. Maybe H will start being curious or start wondering why he cares about what I'm doing? H invited me to attend a play (3 hours away) with him in August. A play he thinks I will really like (and I'm sure I will) Geez, that sounds like an overnight trip. I told him the play sounded very interesting and fun. Then I thought later, maybe I should decline. Then I thought again, I would LOVE it if OW starts finding out H is spending quality time with me because he WANTS to. Maybe she'll give him a hard time I'm not sure I can pass that up. Of course, maybe he doesn't tell her a lot of stuff either. Also, H talked about a new car for me non-stop this trip. H really wants to buy me a new car. (Thank goodness this has not dropped off his radar, my car is an 87 and almost a beater now) OK, so if I turn into my H's kept woman at some point, will that mean I get to get laid?

Please y'all, tell me what you see. I suppose everything H is doing could be motivated from guilt only, but I'm not sure if that's the case, or if that would be all bad. I am enjoying the niceties, although I admit I have to work on myself really hard not to want more. Sometimes it's just a tease, you know?

Meanwhile, I am grateful to be home, in my own bed, with my own kitty and doggie, for one more day before I leave for another week long work trip. Maybe just my trips make H miss me enough, and I don't have to do anything else more dramatic? Right now, despite the occasional emotional rollercoaster, I feel like I am doing great and I love my life. It's just that there's this little nagging partially missing person that I love to love, my H.

Well?