I am obviously still in the midst of getting my bearings. I think I am totally there, and then I notice how I am not, because I still have so many unanswered questions as i face each event/opportunity. Well goody, I guess I have even more growing to do.
Today, I made the reservations for the hotel H & I will need prior to the citizenship event. Spent $25 extra for the room with the robes and breakfast included on the "club floor". Seemed like a good idea, because I will like the little extras even if H doesn't notice. Tricky part for me is how to "make it special" since that's who I am, without going overboard for my H considering his MLC and our sitch. Decided to order flowers, red white and blue motif, and "May all your dreams come true" rather than any references to love etc. I know it's our anniversary too, but who the h*** knows if h will even acknowledge it. So this way, citizenship event allows for a special day for H and still for me too without too much focus on the anniversary. Lucky twist of fate. I am thinking if I tell the hotel it is a special occasion, we might get special treatment - champagne in the room? Yet it is hard to know if H will react with a wall or enjoy. Last time I saw him, it was a little bit of both.
Interestingly, I am also thinking I need a safety valve - an exit plan if I need one. What if I am with H, and it is not fun, and/or it gets uncomfortable or I just get fed up? I do not want to stay and suffer, you know? I am hopeful we will have fun, but if H feels it is necessary to tell me that I "don't have his heart" one more time, I think I will politely leave. I am truly sick of that speech. I do not have expectations of ML or anything like that. I just want to be treated with love and respect by everyone in my life, life is just too short to settle for less for long. And I feel kinda done with the limbo-land antics. Last phone call was good, but you know he may still be coastering. I believe that H is trying to locate his integrity and his loving nature. But if I am rebuffed or mistreated, I believe I will just have a plan B to get myself home. Is this reasonable? Without being overly dramatic or unkind?
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
