Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi everyone,

I arrived home from DC last night and have a few days on the home turf. It is so nice to be home. I took a long walk on the beach this morning with a friend, and am inspired by where I live and what I am up to.

Here's the latest:

H came to pick me up at the airport last night. Seemed genuinely happy to see me, and gave me a big hug, although he still turns his face away for a kiss on the cheek. He told me I looked "really fresh, not tired at all" after my day of travelling, which I believe translates to "you look wonderful, sweetheart" We chatted waiting for the bags, he saw a few of my co-workers, and then invited me to a late night dinner so we could visit a bit. All very lighhearted convo, for the most part. He said how I looked like I was taking good care of myself, and looked good. (another compliment!) I told him some of the things I had been up to. I also told him about some of the spiritual things that had been happening to me, and how amazing it all felt. I am no longer holding back with H in any way. I am back to the person he met 8 years ago, but also even better. It is going to be interesting now - as H is not "throwing me off center" the way he was. And I am contagious with fun, so it was a good evening. I also shared the story about being in my auntie's bed, and praying for the healing of our marriage, and how I cried. I told him I believed they were helping us now. He seemed touched by this, was holding my hand and said, "you always said I remended you of uncle J... and you were like aunt T..." and I said, "yes but I am not so short and fat" and made a little joke. All in all a good evening, but nothing too heavy or deep. Only awkward part was back at the house, he seemed uncomfortable being here and the good bye part was "off". There is some kind of uncomfortable, rushing out thing he has been doing here for the past few months. Physically, his back was like a rock after working God knows how many days without a break, but no way did he want a massage or back rub either, and the hug and kiss good bye very awkward and rushed as he left. I had the impression like I was following him around while he was here, wanting to continue the connection we had, but it was elusive. I didn't like that part and how I was being either - it was the brief period in the evening where I was "thrown off".

So, I thought about this interaction a bit last night and this morning, and have decided that all of these "odd" behaviors on H's part, where he avoids eye contact, or turns his face away, or rushes out - that all of that is shame-based. And, I do not want to go back to the way we were before the breakthrough on the phone last Friday. I told him in my letter two weeks ago also that I was no longer going to sweep things under the carpet and I didn't want to participate in pretending (or lies or withholds.) I also realized that I have now verbalized a commitment to an extraordinary life with him, so the shame-based stuff doesn't fit and I need to acknowledge it when I see it. And, I had promised my relationships seminar leader that I would tell H something last night, which I had not done. And she (contrary to my former DB stance) has instructed me to be 100% authentic, including ILY or whatever is present, so he knows where I am coming from and where I stand. FYI, this is not the simpering ILY's that a begging pursuing DBer would use when they are in shock. This is powerful and grounded and integrated - just what's so in the context of what is present. So boldly going where no woman has gone before...

I called H. I asked him how he was doing this morning? "OK" he says. And I say, "well let me see if I can bump that up a few notches!" I told him that I really appreciated that he picked me up last night, that it was great to spend time with him. And, that I thought that the end of our evening was kind of awkward, that I picked up that he was feeling or acting ashamed... "Yeah..." he says. I told him that I was committed that we have a great life, and that shame didn't fit into that. I also told him that I had forgotten to tell him that was participating in the relationships seminar now, and that I had received some individual coaching from the seminar leader. I told him that she asked me to tell my H that she had an affair once when she was married, and that it took her 3 years to accept responsibility for what had happened and acknowledge to her H that she had broken her word, but that as soon as you acknowledge that you have broken your word, integrity is immediately restored. So I told him again that I was committed that he have a great life. And that I was willing to hear what ever he had to say, at any time. I told him I noticed that he had forgotten his mail and FAXes, and that was a sign to me that he was not grounded and centered and present while he was here. He agreed with all this, and seemed very appreciative of the conversation. He became more and more upbeat as the convo progressed. I think he hears that I am offering him freedom to be. We ended up in a short jovial chat about what mail and FAXes were here, and I ended up helping him out with some dimensions on an order he left here that he is working on today. I told him that I loved him, and I wished him a great day. He was very upbeat with his "you too!" I am 100% sure the day started out unexpectedly better for both of us.

My current goal is to have H be comfortable and present around me, and in our home. I am interested in supporting him in conquering his shame and shame based behaviors, by being a safe place to express himself. I realize sometimes this will need to be very delicate, and sometimes my boldness will land well as it did this morning. However, I am seeing H drawn to the personal growth work and the conversatiions that we had together when we met and were so actively engaged in that. H was quite responsive and alive by the time we got off the phone. I think H needs to feel and see my stand for our marriage in action. The pulling away, dark thing was not working for him. And frankly I was suffering some with it too, which would be OK if results came from it. I will need to reassess this periodically, however, as if H is taking me for granted and not respecting me, that won't work. I also think I need to remain VERY UNATTACHED to the outcome. No expectations, just unconditional positive regard and making sure I am truthful, managing my own integrity impeccably. I am pretty certain that his A is continuing, and I do not know what stage they are in. I am hungry for physical intimacy and sexual love, and am going to have to be vigilant about not being needy when it comes to that. However, I may end up telling him that I miss physical closeness and that it's hard for me. I am beginning to see that there are lots of offers out there and I am not sure if H would tell me he cares whether I am with someone else or not, but I think he would care no matter what he said. In any case, what I want is a restored marriage with my H. So patience is in. I am happier and more confident than ever. I just need to be patient. H has responded positively to every bit of boldness (except sexual, although I haven't actually ever tried that, he sems so remote in that arena). I believe he wants our M to work, but doesn't see how that could be possible yet. It is my job to support him in disentangling himself from the A and I believe I have the capacity to show him what's possible in a revitalized R and M.

This Thursday, we head to LA for H's big citizenship ceremony. It is our anniversary too. I was thrilled that H told me what he wanted to do, in terms of hotel and timing of plans. That is new and good. H has also been walking on the beach. And taking his afternoon break on the beach instead of in his shop in a chair. H discovered that just having a pair of swim trunks in his shop created all sorts of new possibilities for his day. H also won a bike in a contest, a beach cruiser with flames on the wheels. This seems lilke a good direction for his MLC to be going, IMHO.

What do you all think of all this?