Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello, everyone,

I appreciate everyone being there. Thank you all so much for your posts. I am so grateful. It must be the week for grieving. I received a call a few hours ago that my auntie died. She was like a second mother to me, and even more important to me during these past 15 years since my mama's been gone. I loved her dearly, she taught me everything about baking, I learned pies from her. She and my uncle (her nephew actually, who I have not seen much in recent years, but knew me as a child also) both died last night. This is the last of the family with my mama's name, and the last who knew me as a child. I called both my D's, and I also called H to tell him. He was kind. I didn't say much, I was a bit teary. Of all the things I used to think about in our M that I thought would be coming at some point, where I would need something emotionally from H, it was the anticipated death of this auntie, as I have loved her so much, and I knew long ago that I would need him when it came, and had even told him it would likely be an emotional time for me. How ironic he is not present in our M, when I used to think about that. My auntie was 100, healthy and living at home, and she died quickly by stroke, so it is not such a bad thing. But I will miss her terribly. H went to see her with me in November, and I was also there with foster D for the 100th b-day celebration in February. She was like a queen in her court, everyone came to pay homage and share memories. H had planned to go with me to that also, then it turned out he had to "work" that weekend. That was his first trip to see OW this year. I can imagine this will only add to the guilt he is already feeling, as it was such a shock to reveal that lie in MC shortly thereafter.

Tonight I will make pies, in honor of my auntie, for our 4th of July celebration. And if I cry some more, I won't have to add salt to the dough. It is all OK. I have wonderful loving memories of her that I will cherish all my life. I can hear her voice and see her sweet arthritic thick fingers as we made the dough together. I have written up many of her recipes over the years, and intend a memory cookbook for her and my mama to be published at some point. But her true legacy is every holiday celebration, when I make "her" pies.

Thank you all for your support. I have to figure out if I need to change my work trip, I was planning to leave on Friday to go to DC for 10 days. I will not get too caught up in the details today. There is too much happening at once right now, I need to process. I guess this is just a time for grieving.

[grasshopper]

PL,

I know you can look upon the passing of your auntie with a smile, all things considered, and that is a blessing, but I still want to give you a virtual hug cuz you deserve it. I wish your H was there for you, but since he can't, or won't be, then we will be. I can't be there in person, but I am in spirit and I'll be thinking of you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss.

GH

[PositivelyListening]

hello everyone,

the pies turned out perfect, best ever. organic peaches, and truly the most delicious peach pie ever. I am a good hostess, everyone gets to help so we all have time to enjoy each other too. we had a toast for my little auntie, in honor of her amazing crust, now my legacy too. my closest friends were here (the ones I consider family) and my D-24, foster-D's brother and new girlfriend, and a few friends of D's who just got back from a film shoot in Greece. Very happy group. Nice to have them in my space. Played croquet on the lawn, more food than one family gathering could possibly eat, and fireworks at the beach to cap it all off. Perfect weather, a perfect day. Although I missed H and he came up for me in my thoughts 1000 times today, I don't miss him in a way that prevents me from enjoying my life. It was precious today. And I don't miss H the way he is right now anyway. I miss the man I married. It was nice that everyone privately at one time or another come to me to talk about H and how he is doing, admitting their feelings of loss for him too. This helped me tremendously, to know that they miss him also and do not expect me to just forget about him and spend the day ignoring his absence, and knowing that they are grieving also and missing him helped me the most today. Everybody said how great I was doing, and admired the fact that I have compassion for H when it is so easy (even for them) to be angry, because he has abandoned all of us. It is interesting, I am very rarely mad at H now, and when I am it passes quickly. I remember being mad at H before, and it is so weird to think I have been healed of my "mad" at him this way. But I mostly miss him, and am sad for him - even sadder about what I feel may be coming for him. One friend (his closest male friend in our small group) can't get H to return a call or commit even to a lunch during this whole past 6 months. How painfully sad this is to hear about and witness. I believe H is heading for a big big bottoming out very soon. I believe the next 6 months will be really tough for him.

I on the other hand felt peaceful today about the possibility of being "single" again. Other than the occasional money worries (due to house repairs and projects left half way done) I am sometimes even excited about what a great set up I have for living here, and enjoy living in my little place alone. I have students living in our main house, and they are darling, and we have a huge yard with walking distance to the beach. Everyone likes coming over to hang out in the back yard, it is so beautiful. Today was truly special, and reminded me once again how blessed I am in every way. I will say a little prayer for H as I do every night. But I will make efforts to think about him less right now. He has gone deep away. I will accept that until he communicates otherwise. And I on the other hand, will be blossoming soon - it has already started.

I have written H a letter, and have not decided if I will send it to him yet. I am not expecting anything from him in relation to it, in fact I do not think I will even receive an acknowledgement. But I wrote it to state more clearly where I am coming from, as I don't think I have let H know where I am at but once, back in February. I feel we are at a transition point,and I want to communicate. I have never tried a letter with H before. But he is much more visual/kinisthetic than auditory, so I believe many of my words spoken to him have gotten lost. There is only one part in my letter that I expect could be a real challenge for H though - as I will let him know that I will not be supporting the lies and witholds that have been occuring in our community of friends and family about what is happening in our M. I feel that it might be better to communicate where I am at, and what is changing on my end, than to just let him figure it out or be mad that I didn't let him know. He may get mad anyway, but oh well. It is time that I regain health and integrity in the relationships I have with the people we love (including his family). I have been burdened and worried also, and I need to let some of that go. It has been long enough for that.

Tomorrow I will find out about bereavement leave for a few days from work, and changing my flight if possible so I can say one final goodbye to my auntie, and see all the relatives and honor her before I fly east for work. I am hoping I can have it all, managing my work obligations and this important personal need.

Thank you all again for your kindnesses over these past few days. Coming here and finding messages from all of you makes such an amazing difference to me. Many blessings to all of you. More soon.

[NNP1965]

It was nice that everyone privately at one time or another come to me to talk about H and how he is doing, admitting their feelings of loss for him too. This helped me tremendously, to know that they miss him also and do not expect me to just forget about him and spend the day ignoring his absence, and knowing that they are grieving also and missing him helped me the most today.

I bet that was really comforting. So much better than when people say what a jerk someone is and how they knew it all along.

Your 4th of July sounds like it was really nice and you sound like you are doing really well.

Were you able to go see your Aunt?

[PositivelyListening]

Warning - long catch up post and major journaling ahead!!!

Hello Grasshopper, NNP & all my board friends,

I have had an interesting and yet fulfilling set of days since I last wrote on the board. Kind of a whirlwind, but with presence of mind and healthy expression thrown in. I am growing, and it is good. And, yes, I am good too.

I made an unexpected change of plans, and flew to the north before my work trip, to attend my auntie's funeral and pay my respects. It was a fulfilling goodbye for me. My cousin (auntie's grandaughter & primary "caregiver") invited me to stay at auntie's house while I was there. I stayed at the house by myself, which was such a blessing. I was able to feel my feelings, and talk to her in her home, which has been a place of refuge and comfort to me (almost entirely unchanged) for 50 years. I talked to her and snuggled in the space as if she was there with me, healing me as always. It was remarkable - food still in the fridge, roses and fruit trees still there for me to water since auntie was wobbly in the outdoors these past few years. I completed my rituals in her space, read, talked on the phone, slept in, and talked to her. It was a special honoring, and I felt her presence with me all the while.

I left my home without calling H. Didn't see a need, last few visits had been rather unfulfilling to me. This was a first. As my H, I have always, always, communicated where I am, when I would be home, etc. And he too. Since the separation, we have still let each other know travelling comings and goings (other than one time H left the country and lied) - that February weekend which happened to be auntie's 100th b-day party which H missed. H must have been in the fog that weekend and woke up a little when she died last week. I think a little something clicked, anyway. H was informed of auntie's death on July 3, I had July 4th celebration with friends and without H. H called on July 5th as I was wrapping up plans to leave town, with a simple "checking in on you" V.M. message. I was busy, and heard no request, so did not reply. However, I had spent 2 days mulling over and preparing a letter for H (new behavior - written communication pretty much unprecedented - wanted to try something new) and I left it for him to receive in the P.O. Box where he gets his business mail early that day. July 6, packed like a silly person, chicken with no head - almost forgot my undies - grabbed a handful which I stuffed in a suitcase while the taxi guy waited, but still did forget several pairs of pants in the washer for the subsequent work portion of my trip Managed to do most of the important things before leaving, and call 5 times to my friend who is housesitting to manage all the things I forgot. Made my flights, made it to auntie's all good. But while en-route, H called again, more urgent this time "I can't get a hold of you, I've been calling, CALL ME" on my V.M., but I got in too late to do anything that night. H called the next morning, no message to me but saw the "missed call", and then apparently called D looking for me This is the guy who only a few days ago gave me the sideways hug and cool reception in the shop? go figure Anyway, I didn't want to play games, called him as I was able to, on the way to the funeral, said where I was, what I was doing on his V.M., and "call me if you want to, or not, either way" at the end.

Here's my weird controlling part - after I called him, I spent a fair amount of head time wondering if and when he would call back, and resenting that I had somehow "given away the upper hand" - you know, no longer the one with the ball in my court. It was weird noticing that I do not want H to have the control right now. Even though I know that is one thing in his MLC world he really needs to feel like he has. Geez, I need to get over it already. I wouldn't give a hoot if it was a friend who called last. I'd call if I wanted to, period. Or at least that's true with all my close friends, there is just no question we are straight with each other. So since that is my goal with H, regardless of what H is doing, I am stating it here: I am giving up my need to be in charge or in control in my R with H. OK.

So H called the next day. I was out walking with my cousin. Cousin & I had a major bonding over the weekend. I realize that I never got to enjoy her, because my focus was always on auntie when I visited. In fact, there were times when I felt she interfered with my time with auntie, and I wanted auntie all to myself in the past. I coveted her, I guess. So cousin and I bonded in healthy ways - went for 1 1/2 hour walks together each day. Anyway, H called and I was busy with cousin and her roommate, walking in a beautiful park, exercising (GALing ). H said, "please call me back tonight", I say "how late will you be up? I will be getting home late" He says "you can call me until 11" (!!! this is the H who has been sleeping with the TV on, asleep by 9. I am having fun now). Called H at 10:30 pm - he was the sweetest he has been in my recent recollection. Stated he was dissapointed I left town without telling him, that he would have wanted to go with me to the funeral that he would have driven me, how was it going, was I OK, etc. etc. I would have been in shock except I remembered to acknowledge and appreciate the behaviors I want to see more of. So I did He told me that when he heard I left, he went to the beach and did a private ceremony for auntie himself, that he thought she was really special, etc. It was really touching. Then this part following was weird - H then says he has been watching Washington DC on TV, tours of the White House or monuments etc, really sorry he is always so busy with work this time of year, as it looks so interesting and he really wished he could have come with me on the work trip to DC (he has been invited every year since we married, this is the last trip out here before we switch venues). (OK, now I am busting it is too surreal) So as I have turned over a new leaf (which I communicated in my letter to him), I say (sweetly but firmly) "I would love it if you were going too. You know how much I have always wanted you to come with me. But it seems like I am not your priority right now..." And he interrupts, and says, "you have said that to me before, but..." and I say "I don't mean this to be mean in any way, sweetheart. I would love to be your #1 priority again. But you just took 5 days off on a vacation, instead of this trip to DC with me. I just think it's important that we acknowledge what's so, and not make it up." So, I am not sure if this is good DBing or not, but this is my new stand. No more pretending, no more lies, no more withholds in my relationship with H. However, my commitment (my rule with myself) is to be kind and caring and compassionate, or I'm not allowed to speak it. I am curious what you all think of this. Maybe he's too much in an MLC fog to get it. But I feel like I have to begin to speak to him like a friend, or he won't be one much longer. Because I won't be able to stomach it. It seemed to go OK. Then I am beginning to wonder about all of H's conversation, and finally asked H, "Did you get my letter?" And he says "What letter?" and I discover that although he has picked up his mail, he does not appear to be looking at it or reading it. I HOPE he is paying his bills. But I think not. Anyway, I let that go (even though I think my letter says a lot of important things ) We moved on to H saying "Will you please call me when you get to DC just so I know you got there safe?" Funny H, crawled out for a whole phone call, concerned about me. It was sweet. I said, "well sure, if you want me to" and then "I get a little confused at times about what behaviors make sense right now, for us" and he giggles/laughs OK. Clearly H is confused, maybe it helps when he hears I am too. Hopefully his whole current purpose in life is not to make me confused, even though it may sometimes feel that way Anyway, I called when I arrived as he requested. Not particularly evenful call, mostly business talk again. D's move, money stuff, like that. I noticed I was bored, I don't really like to talk to H about all that all the time anymore, I'd rather talk about something "important" like our R or my feelings or his feelings or something like that. Made a mental note, to end the conversations with H sooner, especially if they're not doing much for me. End them on my terms, when I want (before H does). This I realize, is a very difficult behavior for me to master. I wrote it down by the phone in my room too, in case H calls again before the week is out, so I won't forget.

I have decided not to call H. Only to reply if he initiates, and then not every time. This seems to give me a better interaction with H and makes my life a little more manageable right now, since usually after contact with H, I need to "process" for a while and that all takes a lot of time, and I am busy. Good news is, that ONE GOOD PHONE CALL was just the carrot I needed for a bit more PMA. I am pretty detached to the point of, "oh well whatever happens will be OK" much of the time now. But I did see this glimmer of hope in my head - I saw H's MLC behavior, then I also saw him reach out in caring to me. Even if he doesn't do it again for a while, I saw it. Ha! It's still in there.

Now I am at work, away from home on the other side of the country. This is a full-on marathon once a year, where I work in one way or another, from 7 am to midnight for 10 days straight (a few less this time, due to the funeral, but you get the picture). It is really fun for an extravert like me, I get to see and work with tons of people face to face, it is like a huge reunion once a year. I am doing several presentations, and I am the on-call, fill-in what's needed, answer-queen, you name it, all week. Cool. I am already super busy, and then will go home a sit in my garden and walk on the beach for a few days recoup next week, and then do it again the week after for one more round until the end of the month No time at all to think about H unless he forces himself into the mix. Good for me.

In case you are all wondering about the contents of my afore-mentioned letter to H, it was a "this is where I am at" type letter. No big demands, just some statements I felt were important for me to make. Who knows what he will do with them. In a nutshell, I told him I remain committed to our M. That there are many things we could still do to work on the M, if we were both interested. That I believe the A would need to end before that could occur. That I would be OK no matter what happens, but that I would not choose for him to leave and that I would take no steps to cause that, and that I would preper him to come home. I told him that I appreciated the $$ he provides, but that is not the essence of what matters to me about him - that he mattered to me. That I was unwilling to support or participate in lies, withholds or deceptions with any one in our community from now on (and that if he wanted to know what I meant by that, he can ask me and I will provide details). That I will always speak of him with honor and respect. That we were entering a "new phase" of our M. I also gave him the list of 112 criteria of qualities I was looking for in a partner - the ones H said described him perfectly when we got engaged. I asked him to consider those qualities that had "called him forth" into my life then. I told him that I believe in him. I am not sure if he is capable of this right now. No matter. I mostly needed to express myself at least one time in writing since I had never done so, and since I did not/do not know if H has any awareness of where I am at. Probably he does without having said it, but I guess I just needed to say what was so for me. I wrote carefully so as not to exert pressure in regards to any expectations or outcomes. But I suppose H may take it as pressure anyway, since I am so clear about what I want and there were still potentially confronting statements in there. It was a big "I" statement, and if continuing DBing was supposed to be a continuation of not putting my needs, wants, etc. on the table, then I have failed. But I needed to take the risk, try something, see what would occur. It was honest, and it was from the heart. There was no meanness or superiority in it, I believe. To my knowledge he still has not read it yet. I will not bring it up again, unless he does. But at least I gave myself a voice again, in a kind but powerful way. I will take what comes, which may be good, you never know. One close friend, upon hearing about the letter said, "You wrote it with love and kindness. That's all it can generate when that is your intention." I will hold that thought. I suppose I think the most likely possibility is that H will show no reaction or acknowledgement of the letter or its contents at all.

One last thing - a blessing today. A colleague told me a story about a friend and husband who went through MLC. She talked about how they had been married 15 years, kids etc., and how he suddenly moved out, (no warning whatsoever) and he wanted nothing to do with his W, hated her, etc. She left him alone. He moved to another city, 4 hours away. Left the kids with almost no contact too. Sometimes she wouldn't hear from him for months. My colleague described the "dead eyes" like he wasn't there, when she saw him during this period. He apparently entered therapy for himself, eventually although he had refused to do so with the W. Guess what, since his W gave him the space, didn't question him, etc. after 2 + years he said, I'd like to move back home. She said OK, no questions. He did end up giving the heartfelt apology and tears we all hope for someday. Apparently he has never provided too many details of what he did while away, but they have now been back together with marriage intact and are happy for the past 12 years. Apparently the kids had the hardest time, but W helped her H bridge that a bit at a time. So there it is. A happy ending MLC story right when I needed one.

I hope the steps I have taken are still allowing enough space. We shall see. It is the trickiest of all tricky balances for me. As I have said, I will again take the stand of doing nothing unless H initiates.

I miss you all but may not be able to post again for a week. Hopefully I will at least get to catch up on some of your sitches during that time. I would love your thoughts on my past rather interesting week, as you have time to provide what you see here Thanks to all of you for being there

[grasshopper]

PL, if you think I'm going to respond in detail to that, you're crazy, lol.

Anyway, you sound GREAT. The one thing I want to address is the part where you ask if you've failed in DBing somehow by your letter or recent actions. In my opinion, HELL NO. The proof is in the fact that you made a decision based on YOUR needs and YOUR desires and are not afraid of the consequences. I think that DB is all about providing us with a set of tools to enable us to stop reacting to these awful situations we are in and start the business of helping ourselves heal and grow.

The "no R talk" part of DB, IMHO, is mainly to discourage us from dwelling on things, like our spouses or marriage, that we likely cannot affect right now. It is to teach us that when we R talk, we are too focused on the external and not the internal. I think once we begin to understand that, and really make it a part of our lives, it's "safe" to once again begin to express ourselves in the context of the R because at that point we are "ok" with whatever happens.

Much of what WE say in R talks, the ones that happen before we are "ready" is all about trying to get THEM to react a certain way and when they don't, as predicted by Michelle, we are even worse than we are before the R talk. What YOU did was to simply lay out where you are and you did it as an FYI so that he has the info he needs to make an informed decision in relation to you, and in light of what may SEEM to be your "moving on" from him. You just clarified your position and made sure he understood what you still wanted but that your actions would be all about SELF for now and less about the R.

The most important thing is you did all this without concern about HIS reaction. It was all about what YOU want and need. It was done with compassion and out of love.

I think you did fine. Have a GREAT week.

GH

[PositivelyListening]

Hello everyone,

Well me being away on a "work" trip doesn't keep me from "doing the work" it seems. I am way way out there on a limb now, but also somehow know there is a pile of soft leaves to land on if I fall.

As some of you may recall, I am currently taking a "relationships" course as part of some transformational work I have been aligned with for a long time. H has done much of this work too, with me and without me in the past. I made a commitment to being accountable for a life-altering breakthrough in communication with my H, allowing for love, integrity and joy to be present in our relationship. I have that appearing on my Outlook calendar every day now, so I will not forget who I said I would be, and what I would be responsible for. I have had several remarkable breakthroughs since taking this on.

I am trusting that I am being divinely led at this point, and am following my path as spirit moves me and opportunities arise. Some of this may not make sense to some of you. I can hardly explain it without wondering if I will be misunderstood by many of you. I have always felt like I am just a "regular" gal. And nothing feels ordinary anymore.

While I was at my auntie's house after she died, while I was staying at her house alone, I laid in her wedding bed (she and my uncle were married 54 years when he died, and her guest bedroom furniture where I slept was their wedding set). I prayed and I cried and I saw the two of them as angels watching over me, and I prayed for my marriage and I asked them to look out for us and to help us and to heal us and the tears poured. I saw them together. It was profound. I felt their presence and I believe they are helping both of us now.

Also, since I have been here in the hotel, I prayed one night in my bed, and I had a vision. I was not asleep. I am not sure exactly what it meant, but there was some kind of indian mystic or prophet, wrapped in blue silk robes and headdress with silver threads like moonlight running all through the fabric. The vision evolved from this deep blue color s/he was wearing and then moved to different images and other colors, tan, brown, orange (hundreds of enormous flowers), yellow (smaller blossoms like fruit tree blossoms and buds), and finally white light that filled the space and was bright and light and powerful so that it could lift me up, and I could feel myself being raised and getting lighter as the light entered into me and lifted me. I was energized and excited after this happened, and also in awe.

Regarding contact with H, H has called me 3 times since I have been on this trip. The third time was a few days ago, while I was on the way to lunch. Just a check on call, H had just come back from the eye doctor after having headaches for days. Turns out he needs bi-focals. Extensive conversation about that, lines vs. no lines, contacts and lasik as possible other options if the glasses don't work out, and how much it all costs. The conversation went on for a while, then finally I say "How do you feel about that?". "Old" H says "I feel so old." Sweet that he calls me for these things. I thanked him for calling me. But I have not been sharing much of myself, you know? Just listening, being available and kind, chit chat. For a long long time now. Also, I had been following the pattern of not calling H unless he calls me. Well, that is not what has happened.

I asked for coaching from my seminar leader in the relationships course a few weeks ago. Somehow she didn't get the message until this week. We set up an appointment call for tonight. I am trusting that my guides, my angels, my God, the universe, is guiding me now as to timing. The crux of the conversation was, that I needed to take 100% responsibility for what has occured in my M. And clean it up and apologize to H. I agreed to do it tonight, and not wait for the face-to-face time with him. It was good coaching. She said alot, but the one thing that is really importantly sticking with me: She said H wants me to take a stand for our relationship. He is waiting for that.

I called H. Left a VM. Asked him to call me back tonight, that I had something important to say. Shakin in my boots. He called me back. I asked him if it was a good time to talk. I told him I wanted to have a conversation about restoring integrity in our relationship. He gave a big sigh and said yes, OK, now or some other time? I said yes, now, if that works for you. OK. Long pause for me, then, so much adrenalin, deep breaths.

I told him I took 100% responsibility for what had happened in our marriage. The tears started to pour, for both of us. He let out sympathetic "oh honey, no, no" quite a few times in between while I was sharing with him. I told him that I had said before that I had been asleep, and now I was awake, but I actually know better than that - I had actually been taunting him, by willfully making him angry. He protested, said that sounded bad and he didn't know what taunting was but that he knew I was not bad, but I said I was sorry for doing that. I cried alot, and he was sobbing. I apologized for making him feel small and not good enough at my hands. I apologized for being disrespectful. I apologized for being attached to being "right". I told him that I had not been authentic these past six months, and had not shared my true feelings with him, and I apologized for that. He asked me why I had done that. I told him I had been afraid that he would leave, or that if I expressed my feelings that I would scare him off. I apologized. I told him that I loved him, and that I had never stopped loving him. I told him that I was sorry. I told him I was accountable for a life-altering breakthrough in our relationship, allowing love, integrity and joy to be present. I told him that I was taking a stand that we were going to have a most extraordinary life together. I told him that I wanted us to create a new possibility for us. He said "yes" when I said that.

Towards the end of our conversation, after H stopped crying, he asked me what had caused this breakthrough. I told him I had been working on myself for a while now. Towards the end, H asked when I was coming home, and offered to pick me up from the airport. I will see H Sunday night, but will call first to give him flight details as he has requested.

I realized after the convo with H that I need to give credit to my seminar leader's coaching, and will do so when I see H next. It's important that I acknowledge her. Also, that may provide an opening for him at some point, to reach out for some coaching in this arena rather than continuing to "go it alone". It has always been powerful work for us in the past.

I do not know what will happen now. H cried, asked a few questions, and then indicated he needed to process what I had shared. So, I have let him get where I stand, and will not be attached to the outcome.

My current "work" is leading me to take steps to clean up every area where I am "out of integrity". This includes small things (like my car needs an oil change) to bigger things (like my office is a mess, and I am behind in my homework submissions for the online course I am taking.) I am currently keeping an "integrity" list, which I am adding to and working on almost every day. The seminar leader reminded me that whenever there is an issue of integrity anywhere in our lives (such as H's A) then there is an "out of integrity" situation in our life. So, in typical DB fashion, clean up your own mess first. I am up to this. I have engaged a relentless "cleaning crew" of professionals, friends and family to turn my life upside down and inside out. You are all part of this, as well. I am getting great support, great coaching, everywhere I turn. I am loved and blessed. The new me is a phoenix rising from the ashes, a nepenthe. No stone unturned.

[RBinBR]

Wow. All I can say is that I'm so thrilled for you, whether your H responds or not. You've addressed your issues and you're moving on with your life. The next step is up to him, and he may very well take it.

I'm planning to "take a stand" for myself and my M on August 2. You've been a real encouragement to me today.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi everyone,

I arrived home from DC last night and have a few days on the home turf. It is so nice to be home. I took a long walk on the beach this morning with a friend, and am inspired by where I live and what I am up to.

Here's the latest:

H came to pick me up at the airport last night. Seemed genuinely happy to see me, and gave me a big hug, although he still turns his face away for a kiss on the cheek. He told me I looked "really fresh, not tired at all" after my day of travelling, which I believe translates to "you look wonderful, sweetheart" We chatted waiting for the bags, he saw a few of my co-workers, and then invited me to a late night dinner so we could visit a bit. All very lighhearted convo, for the most part. He said how I looked like I was taking good care of myself, and looked good. (another compliment!) I told him some of the things I had been up to. I also told him about some of the spiritual things that had been happening to me, and how amazing it all felt. I am no longer holding back with H in any way. I am back to the person he met 8 years ago, but also even better. It is going to be interesting now - as H is not "throwing me off center" the way he was. And I am contagious with fun, so it was a good evening. I also shared the story about being in my auntie's bed, and praying for the healing of our marriage, and how I cried. I told him I believed they were helping us now. He seemed touched by this, was holding my hand and said, "you always said I remended you of uncle J... and you were like aunt T..." and I said, "yes but I am not so short and fat" and made a little joke. All in all a good evening, but nothing too heavy or deep. Only awkward part was back at the house, he seemed uncomfortable being here and the good bye part was "off". There is some kind of uncomfortable, rushing out thing he has been doing here for the past few months. Physically, his back was like a rock after working God knows how many days without a break, but no way did he want a massage or back rub either, and the hug and kiss good bye very awkward and rushed as he left. I had the impression like I was following him around while he was here, wanting to continue the connection we had, but it was elusive. I didn't like that part and how I was being either - it was the brief period in the evening where I was "thrown off".

So, I thought about this interaction a bit last night and this morning, and have decided that all of these "odd" behaviors on H's part, where he avoids eye contact, or turns his face away, or rushes out - that all of that is shame-based. And, I do not want to go back to the way we were before the breakthrough on the phone last Friday. I told him in my letter two weeks ago also that I was no longer going to sweep things under the carpet and I didn't want to participate in pretending (or lies or withholds.) I also realized that I have now verbalized a commitment to an extraordinary life with him, so the shame-based stuff doesn't fit and I need to acknowledge it when I see it. And, I had promised my relationships seminar leader that I would tell H something last night, which I had not done. And she (contrary to my former DB stance) has instructed me to be 100% authentic, including ILY or whatever is present, so he knows where I am coming from and where I stand. FYI, this is not the simpering ILY's that a begging pursuing DBer would use when they are in shock. This is powerful and grounded and integrated - just what's so in the context of what is present. So boldly going where no woman has gone before...

I called H. I asked him how he was doing this morning? "OK" he says. And I say, "well let me see if I can bump that up a few notches!" I told him that I really appreciated that he picked me up last night, that it was great to spend time with him. And, that I thought that the end of our evening was kind of awkward, that I picked up that he was feeling or acting ashamed... "Yeah..." he says. I told him that I was committed that we have a great life, and that shame didn't fit into that. I also told him that I had forgotten to tell him that was participating in the relationships seminar now, and that I had received some individual coaching from the seminar leader. I told him that she asked me to tell my H that she had an affair once when she was married, and that it took her 3 years to accept responsibility for what had happened and acknowledge to her H that she had broken her word, but that as soon as you acknowledge that you have broken your word, integrity is immediately restored. So I told him again that I was committed that he have a great life. And that I was willing to hear what ever he had to say, at any time. I told him I noticed that he had forgotten his mail and FAXes, and that was a sign to me that he was not grounded and centered and present while he was here. He agreed with all this, and seemed very appreciative of the conversation. He became more and more upbeat as the convo progressed. I think he hears that I am offering him freedom to be. We ended up in a short jovial chat about what mail and FAXes were here, and I ended up helping him out with some dimensions on an order he left here that he is working on today. I told him that I loved him, and I wished him a great day. He was very upbeat with his "you too!" I am 100% sure the day started out unexpectedly better for both of us.

My current goal is to have H be comfortable and present around me, and in our home. I am interested in supporting him in conquering his shame and shame based behaviors, by being a safe place to express himself. I realize sometimes this will need to be very delicate, and sometimes my boldness will land well as it did this morning. However, I am seeing H drawn to the personal growth work and the conversatiions that we had together when we met and were so actively engaged in that. H was quite responsive and alive by the time we got off the phone. I think H needs to feel and see my stand for our marriage in action. The pulling away, dark thing was not working for him. And frankly I was suffering some with it too, which would be OK if results came from it. I will need to reassess this periodically, however, as if H is taking me for granted and not respecting me, that won't work. I also think I need to remain VERY UNATTACHED to the outcome. No expectations, just unconditional positive regard and making sure I am truthful, managing my own integrity impeccably. I am pretty certain that his A is continuing, and I do not know what stage they are in. I am hungry for physical intimacy and sexual love, and am going to have to be vigilant about not being needy when it comes to that. However, I may end up telling him that I miss physical closeness and that it's hard for me. I am beginning to see that there are lots of offers out there and I am not sure if H would tell me he cares whether I am with someone else or not, but I think he would care no matter what he said. In any case, what I want is a restored marriage with my H. So patience is in. I am happier and more confident than ever. I just need to be patient. H has responded positively to every bit of boldness (except sexual, although I haven't actually ever tried that, he sems so remote in that arena). I believe he wants our M to work, but doesn't see how that could be possible yet. It is my job to support him in disentangling himself from the A and I believe I have the capacity to show him what's possible in a revitalized R and M.

This Thursday, we head to LA for H's big citizenship ceremony. It is our anniversary too. I was thrilled that H told me what he wanted to do, in terms of hotel and timing of plans. That is new and good. H has also been walking on the beach. And taking his afternoon break on the beach instead of in his shop in a chair. H discovered that just having a pair of swim trunks in his shop created all sorts of new possibilities for his day. H also won a bike in a contest, a beach cruiser with flames on the wheels. This seems lilke a good direction for his MLC to be going, IMHO.

What do you all think of all this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello everyone,

I am obviously still in the midst of getting my bearings. I think I am totally there, and then I notice how I am not, because I still have so many unanswered questions as i face each event/opportunity. Well goody, I guess I have even more growing to do.

Today, I made the reservations for the hotel H & I will need prior to the citizenship event. Spent $25 extra for the room with the robes and breakfast included on the "club floor". Seemed like a good idea, because I will like the little extras even if H doesn't notice. Tricky part for me is how to "make it special" since that's who I am, without going overboard for my H considering his MLC and our sitch. Decided to order flowers, red white and blue motif, and "May all your dreams come true" rather than any references to love etc. I know it's our anniversary too, but who the h*** knows if h will even acknowledge it. So this way, citizenship event allows for a special day for H and still for me too without too much focus on the anniversary. Lucky twist of fate. I am thinking if I tell the hotel it is a special occasion, we might get special treatment - champagne in the room? Yet it is hard to know if H will react with a wall or enjoy. Last time I saw him, it was a little bit of both.

Interestingly, I am also thinking I need a safety valve - an exit plan if I need one. What if I am with H, and it is not fun, and/or it gets uncomfortable or I just get fed up? I do not want to stay and suffer, you know? I am hopeful we will have fun, but if H feels it is necessary to tell me that I "don't have his heart" one more time, I think I will politely leave. I am truly sick of that speech. I do not have expectations of ML or anything like that. I just want to be treated with love and respect by everyone in my life, life is just too short to settle for less for long. And I feel kinda done with the limbo-land antics. Last phone call was good, but you know he may still be coastering. I believe that H is trying to locate his integrity and his loving nature. But if I am rebuffed or mistreated, I believe I will just have a plan B to get myself home. Is this reasonable? Without being overly dramatic or unkind?