Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hello everyone,

Well me being away on a "work" trip doesn't keep me from "doing the work" it seems. I am way way out there on a limb now, but also somehow know there is a pile of soft leaves to land on if I fall.

As some of you may recall, I am currently taking a "relationships" course as part of some transformational work I have been aligned with for a long time. H has done much of this work too, with me and without me in the past. I made a commitment to being accountable for a life-altering breakthrough in communication with my H, allowing for love, integrity and joy to be present in our relationship. I have that appearing on my Outlook calendar every day now, so I will not forget who I said I would be, and what I would be responsible for. I have had several remarkable breakthroughs since taking this on.

I am trusting that I am being divinely led at this point, and am following my path as spirit moves me and opportunities arise. Some of this may not make sense to some of you. I can hardly explain it without wondering if I will be misunderstood by many of you. I have always felt like I am just a "regular" gal. And nothing feels ordinary anymore.

While I was at my auntie's house after she died, while I was staying at her house alone, I laid in her wedding bed (she and my uncle were married 54 years when he died, and her guest bedroom furniture where I slept was their wedding set). I prayed and I cried and I saw the two of them as angels watching over me, and I prayed for my marriage and I asked them to look out for us and to help us and to heal us and the tears poured. I saw them together. It was profound. I felt their presence and I believe they are helping both of us now.

Also, since I have been here in the hotel, I prayed one night in my bed, and I had a vision. I was not asleep. I am not sure exactly what it meant, but there was some kind of indian mystic or prophet, wrapped in blue silk robes and headdress with silver threads like moonlight running all through the fabric. The vision evolved from this deep blue color s/he was wearing and then moved to different images and other colors, tan, brown, orange (hundreds of enormous flowers), yellow (smaller blossoms like fruit tree blossoms and buds), and finally white light that filled the space and was bright and light and powerful so that it could lift me up, and I could feel myself being raised and getting lighter as the light entered into me and lifted me. I was energized and excited after this happened, and also in awe.

Regarding contact with H, H has called me 3 times since I have been on this trip. The third time was a few days ago, while I was on the way to lunch. Just a check on call, H had just come back from the eye doctor after having headaches for days. Turns out he needs bi-focals. Extensive conversation about that, lines vs. no lines, contacts and lasik as possible other options if the glasses don't work out, and how much it all costs. The conversation went on for a while, then finally I say "How do you feel about that?". "Old" H says "I feel so old." Sweet that he calls me for these things. I thanked him for calling me. But I have not been sharing much of myself, you know? Just listening, being available and kind, chit chat. For a long long time now. Also, I had been following the pattern of not calling H unless he calls me. Well, that is not what has happened.

I asked for coaching from my seminar leader in the relationships course a few weeks ago. Somehow she didn't get the message until this week. We set up an appointment call for tonight. I am trusting that my guides, my angels, my God, the universe, is guiding me now as to timing. The crux of the conversation was, that I needed to take 100% responsibility for what has occured in my M. And clean it up and apologize to H. I agreed to do it tonight, and not wait for the face-to-face time with him. It was good coaching. She said alot, but the one thing that is really importantly sticking with me: She said H wants me to take a stand for our relationship. He is waiting for that.

I called H. Left a VM. Asked him to call me back tonight, that I had something important to say. Shakin in my boots. He called me back. I asked him if it was a good time to talk. I told him I wanted to have a conversation about restoring integrity in our relationship. He gave a big sigh and said yes, OK, now or some other time? I said yes, now, if that works for you. OK. Long pause for me, then, so much adrenalin, deep breaths.

I told him I took 100% responsibility for what had happened in our marriage. The tears started to pour, for both of us. He let out sympathetic "oh honey, no, no" quite a few times in between while I was sharing with him. I told him that I had said before that I had been asleep, and now I was awake, but I actually know better than that - I had actually been taunting him, by willfully making him angry. He protested, said that sounded bad and he didn't know what taunting was but that he knew I was not bad, but I said I was sorry for doing that. I cried alot, and he was sobbing. I apologized for making him feel small and not good enough at my hands. I apologized for being disrespectful. I apologized for being attached to being "right". I told him that I had not been authentic these past six months, and had not shared my true feelings with him, and I apologized for that. He asked me why I had done that. I told him I had been afraid that he would leave, or that if I expressed my feelings that I would scare him off. I apologized. I told him that I loved him, and that I had never stopped loving him. I told him that I was sorry. I told him I was accountable for a life-altering breakthrough in our relationship, allowing love, integrity and joy to be present. I told him that I was taking a stand that we were going to have a most extraordinary life together. I told him that I wanted us to create a new possibility for us. He said "yes" when I said that.

Towards the end of our conversation, after H stopped crying, he asked me what had caused this breakthrough. I told him I had been working on myself for a while now. Towards the end, H asked when I was coming home, and offered to pick me up from the airport. I will see H Sunday night, but will call first to give him flight details as he has requested.

I realized after the convo with H that I need to give credit to my seminar leader's coaching, and will do so when I see H next. It's important that I acknowledge her. Also, that may provide an opening for him at some point, to reach out for some coaching in this arena rather than continuing to "go it alone". It has always been powerful work for us in the past.

I do not know what will happen now. H cried, asked a few questions, and then indicated he needed to process what I had shared. So, I have let him get where I stand, and will not be attached to the outcome.

My current "work" is leading me to take steps to clean up every area where I am "out of integrity". This includes small things (like my car needs an oil change) to bigger things (like my office is a mess, and I am behind in my homework submissions for the online course I am taking.) I am currently keeping an "integrity" list, which I am adding to and working on almost every day. The seminar leader reminded me that whenever there is an issue of integrity anywhere in our lives (such as H's A) then there is an "out of integrity" situation in our life. So, in typical DB fashion, clean up your own mess first. I am up to this. I have engaged a relentless "cleaning crew" of professionals, friends and family to turn my life upside down and inside out. You are all part of this, as well. I am getting great support, great coaching, everywhere I turn. I am loved and blessed. The new me is a phoenix rising from the ashes, a nepenthe. No stone unturned.