Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Warning - long catch up post and major journaling ahead!!!

Hello Grasshopper, NNP & all my board friends,

I have had an interesting and yet fulfilling set of days since I last wrote on the board. Kind of a whirlwind, but with presence of mind and healthy expression thrown in. I am growing, and it is good. And, yes, I am good too.

I made an unexpected change of plans, and flew to the north before my work trip, to attend my auntie's funeral and pay my respects. It was a fulfilling goodbye for me. My cousin (auntie's grandaughter & primary "caregiver") invited me to stay at auntie's house while I was there. I stayed at the house by myself, which was such a blessing. I was able to feel my feelings, and talk to her in her home, which has been a place of refuge and comfort to me (almost entirely unchanged) for 50 years. I talked to her and snuggled in the space as if she was there with me, healing me as always. It was remarkable - food still in the fridge, roses and fruit trees still there for me to water since auntie was wobbly in the outdoors these past few years. I completed my rituals in her space, read, talked on the phone, slept in, and talked to her. It was a special honoring, and I felt her presence with me all the while.

I left my home without calling H. Didn't see a need, last few visits had been rather unfulfilling to me. This was a first. As my H, I have always, always, communicated where I am, when I would be home, etc. And he too. Since the separation, we have still let each other know travelling comings and goings (other than one time H left the country and lied) - that February weekend which happened to be auntie's 100th b-day party which H missed. H must have been in the fog that weekend and woke up a little when she died last week. I think a little something clicked, anyway. H was informed of auntie's death on July 3, I had July 4th celebration with friends and without H. H called on July 5th as I was wrapping up plans to leave town, with a simple "checking in on you" V.M. message. I was busy, and heard no request, so did not reply. However, I had spent 2 days mulling over and preparing a letter for H (new behavior - written communication pretty much unprecedented - wanted to try something new) and I left it for him to receive in the P.O. Box where he gets his business mail early that day. July 6, packed like a silly person, chicken with no head - almost forgot my undies - grabbed a handful which I stuffed in a suitcase while the taxi guy waited, but still did forget several pairs of pants in the washer for the subsequent work portion of my trip Managed to do most of the important things before leaving, and call 5 times to my friend who is housesitting to manage all the things I forgot. Made my flights, made it to auntie's all good. But while en-route, H called again, more urgent this time "I can't get a hold of you, I've been calling, CALL ME" on my V.M., but I got in too late to do anything that night. H called the next morning, no message to me but saw the "missed call", and then apparently called D looking for me This is the guy who only a few days ago gave me the sideways hug and cool reception in the shop? go figure Anyway, I didn't want to play games, called him as I was able to, on the way to the funeral, said where I was, what I was doing on his V.M., and "call me if you want to, or not, either way" at the end.

Here's my weird controlling part - after I called him, I spent a fair amount of head time wondering if and when he would call back, and resenting that I had somehow "given away the upper hand" - you know, no longer the one with the ball in my court. It was weird noticing that I do not want H to have the control right now. Even though I know that is one thing in his MLC world he really needs to feel like he has. Geez, I need to get over it already. I wouldn't give a hoot if it was a friend who called last. I'd call if I wanted to, period. Or at least that's true with all my close friends, there is just no question we are straight with each other. So since that is my goal with H, regardless of what H is doing, I am stating it here: I am giving up my need to be in charge or in control in my R with H. OK.

So H called the next day. I was out walking with my cousin. Cousin & I had a major bonding over the weekend. I realize that I never got to enjoy her, because my focus was always on auntie when I visited. In fact, there were times when I felt she interfered with my time with auntie, and I wanted auntie all to myself in the past. I coveted her, I guess. So cousin and I bonded in healthy ways - went for 1 1/2 hour walks together each day. Anyway, H called and I was busy with cousin and her roommate, walking in a beautiful park, exercising (GALing ). H said, "please call me back tonight", I say "how late will you be up? I will be getting home late" He says "you can call me until 11" (!!! this is the H who has been sleeping with the TV on, asleep by 9. I am having fun now). Called H at 10:30 pm - he was the sweetest he has been in my recent recollection. Stated he was dissapointed I left town without telling him, that he would have wanted to go with me to the funeral that he would have driven me, how was it going, was I OK, etc. etc. I would have been in shock except I remembered to acknowledge and appreciate the behaviors I want to see more of. So I did He told me that when he heard I left, he went to the beach and did a private ceremony for auntie himself, that he thought she was really special, etc. It was really touching. Then this part following was weird - H then says he has been watching Washington DC on TV, tours of the White House or monuments etc, really sorry he is always so busy with work this time of year, as it looks so interesting and he really wished he could have come with me on the work trip to DC (he has been invited every year since we married, this is the last trip out here before we switch venues). (OK, now I am busting it is too surreal) So as I have turned over a new leaf (which I communicated in my letter to him), I say (sweetly but firmly) "I would love it if you were going too. You know how much I have always wanted you to come with me. But it seems like I am not your priority right now..." And he interrupts, and says, "you have said that to me before, but..." and I say "I don't mean this to be mean in any way, sweetheart. I would love to be your #1 priority again. But you just took 5 days off on a vacation, instead of this trip to DC with me. I just think it's important that we acknowledge what's so, and not make it up." So, I am not sure if this is good DBing or not, but this is my new stand. No more pretending, no more lies, no more withholds in my relationship with H. However, my commitment (my rule with myself) is to be kind and caring and compassionate, or I'm not allowed to speak it. I am curious what you all think of this. Maybe he's too much in an MLC fog to get it. But I feel like I have to begin to speak to him like a friend, or he won't be one much longer. Because I won't be able to stomach it. It seemed to go OK. Then I am beginning to wonder about all of H's conversation, and finally asked H, "Did you get my letter?" And he says "What letter?" and I discover that although he has picked up his mail, he does not appear to be looking at it or reading it. I HOPE he is paying his bills. But I think not. Anyway, I let that go (even though I think my letter says a lot of important things ) We moved on to H saying "Will you please call me when you get to DC just so I know you got there safe?" Funny H, crawled out for a whole phone call, concerned about me. It was sweet. I said, "well sure, if you want me to" and then "I get a little confused at times about what behaviors make sense right now, for us" and he giggles/laughs OK. Clearly H is confused, maybe it helps when he hears I am too. Hopefully his whole current purpose in life is not to make me confused, even though it may sometimes feel that way Anyway, I called when I arrived as he requested. Not particularly evenful call, mostly business talk again. D's move, money stuff, like that. I noticed I was bored, I don't really like to talk to H about all that all the time anymore, I'd rather talk about something "important" like our R or my feelings or his feelings or something like that. Made a mental note, to end the conversations with H sooner, especially if they're not doing much for me. End them on my terms, when I want (before H does). This I realize, is a very difficult behavior for me to master. I wrote it down by the phone in my room too, in case H calls again before the week is out, so I won't forget.

I have decided not to call H. Only to reply if he initiates, and then not every time. This seems to give me a better interaction with H and makes my life a little more manageable right now, since usually after contact with H, I need to "process" for a while and that all takes a lot of time, and I am busy. Good news is, that ONE GOOD PHONE CALL was just the carrot I needed for a bit more PMA. I am pretty detached to the point of, "oh well whatever happens will be OK" much of the time now. But I did see this glimmer of hope in my head - I saw H's MLC behavior, then I also saw him reach out in caring to me. Even if he doesn't do it again for a while, I saw it. Ha! It's still in there.

Now I am at work, away from home on the other side of the country. This is a full-on marathon once a year, where I work in one way or another, from 7 am to midnight for 10 days straight (a few less this time, due to the funeral, but you get the picture). It is really fun for an extravert like me, I get to see and work with tons of people face to face, it is like a huge reunion once a year. I am doing several presentations, and I am the on-call, fill-in what's needed, answer-queen, you name it, all week. Cool. I am already super busy, and then will go home a sit in my garden and walk on the beach for a few days recoup next week, and then do it again the week after for one more round until the end of the month No time at all to think about H unless he forces himself into the mix. Good for me.

In case you are all wondering about the contents of my afore-mentioned letter to H, it was a "this is where I am at" type letter. No big demands, just some statements I felt were important for me to make. Who knows what he will do with them. In a nutshell, I told him I remain committed to our M. That there are many things we could still do to work on the M, if we were both interested. That I believe the A would need to end before that could occur. That I would be OK no matter what happens, but that I would not choose for him to leave and that I would take no steps to cause that, and that I would preper him to come home. I told him that I appreciated the $$ he provides, but that is not the essence of what matters to me about him - that he mattered to me. That I was unwilling to support or participate in lies, withholds or deceptions with any one in our community from now on (and that if he wanted to know what I meant by that, he can ask me and I will provide details). That I will always speak of him with honor and respect. That we were entering a "new phase" of our M. I also gave him the list of 112 criteria of qualities I was looking for in a partner - the ones H said described him perfectly when we got engaged. I asked him to consider those qualities that had "called him forth" into my life then. I told him that I believe in him. I am not sure if he is capable of this right now. No matter. I mostly needed to express myself at least one time in writing since I had never done so, and since I did not/do not know if H has any awareness of where I am at. Probably he does without having said it, but I guess I just needed to say what was so for me. I wrote carefully so as not to exert pressure in regards to any expectations or outcomes. But I suppose H may take it as pressure anyway, since I am so clear about what I want and there were still potentially confronting statements in there. It was a big "I" statement, and if continuing DBing was supposed to be a continuation of not putting my needs, wants, etc. on the table, then I have failed. But I needed to take the risk, try something, see what would occur. It was honest, and it was from the heart. There was no meanness or superiority in it, I believe. To my knowledge he still has not read it yet. I will not bring it up again, unless he does. But at least I gave myself a voice again, in a kind but powerful way. I will take what comes, which may be good, you never know. One close friend, upon hearing about the letter said, "You wrote it with love and kindness. That's all it can generate when that is your intention." I will hold that thought. I suppose I think the most likely possibility is that H will show no reaction or acknowledgement of the letter or its contents at all.

One last thing - a blessing today. A colleague told me a story about a friend and husband who went through MLC. She talked about how they had been married 15 years, kids etc., and how he suddenly moved out, (no warning whatsoever) and he wanted nothing to do with his W, hated her, etc. She left him alone. He moved to another city, 4 hours away. Left the kids with almost no contact too. Sometimes she wouldn't hear from him for months. My colleague described the "dead eyes" like he wasn't there, when she saw him during this period. He apparently entered therapy for himself, eventually although he had refused to do so with the W. Guess what, since his W gave him the space, didn't question him, etc. after 2 + years he said, I'd like to move back home. She said OK, no questions. He did end up giving the heartfelt apology and tears we all hope for someday. Apparently he has never provided too many details of what he did while away, but they have now been back together with marriage intact and are happy for the past 12 years. Apparently the kids had the hardest time, but W helped her H bridge that a bit at a time. So there it is. A happy ending MLC story right when I needed one.

I hope the steps I have taken are still allowing enough space. We shall see. It is the trickiest of all tricky balances for me. As I have said, I will again take the stand of doing nothing unless H initiates.

I miss you all but may not be able to post again for a week. Hopefully I will at least get to catch up on some of your sitches during that time. I would love your thoughts on my past rather interesting week, as you have time to provide what you see here Thanks to all of you for being there