the pies turned out perfect, best ever. organic peaches, and truly the most delicious peach pie ever. I am a good hostess, everyone gets to help so we all have time to enjoy each other too. we had a toast for my little auntie, in honor of her amazing crust, now my legacy too. my closest friends were here (the ones I consider family) and my D-24, foster-D's brother and new girlfriend, and a few friends of D's who just got back from a film shoot in Greece. Very happy group. Nice to have them in my space. Played croquet on the lawn, more food than one family gathering could possibly eat, and fireworks at the beach to cap it all off. Perfect weather, a perfect day. Although I missed H and he came up for me in my thoughts 1000 times today, I don't miss him in a way that prevents me from enjoying my life. It was precious today. And I don't miss H the way he is right now anyway. I miss the man I married. It was nice that everyone privately at one time or another come to me to talk about H and how he is doing, admitting their feelings of loss for him too. This helped me tremendously, to know that they miss him also and do not expect me to just forget about him and spend the day ignoring his absence, and knowing that they are grieving also and missing him helped me the most today. Everybody said how great I was doing, and admired the fact that I have compassion for H when it is so easy (even for them) to be angry, because he has abandoned all of us. It is interesting, I am very rarely mad at H now, and when I am it passes quickly. I remember being mad at H before, and it is so weird to think I have been healed of my "mad" at him this way. But I mostly miss him, and am sad for him - even sadder about what I feel may be coming for him. One friend (his closest male friend in our small group) can't get H to return a call or commit even to a lunch during this whole past 6 months. How painfully sad this is to hear about and witness. I believe H is heading for a big big bottoming out very soon. I believe the next 6 months will be really tough for him.
I on the other hand felt peaceful today about the possibility of being "single" again. Other than the occasional money worries (due to house repairs and projects left half way done) I am sometimes even excited about what a great set up I have for living here, and enjoy living in my little place alone. I have students living in our main house, and they are darling, and we have a huge yard with walking distance to the beach. Everyone likes coming over to hang out in the back yard, it is so beautiful. Today was truly special, and reminded me once again how blessed I am in every way. I will say a little prayer for H as I do every night. But I will make efforts to think about him less right now. He has gone deep away. I will accept that until he communicates otherwise. And I on the other hand, will be blossoming soon - it has already started.
I have written H a letter, and have not decided if I will send it to him yet. I am not expecting anything from him in relation to it, in fact I do not think I will even receive an acknowledgement. But I wrote it to state more clearly where I am coming from, as I don't think I have let H know where I am at but once, back in February. I feel we are at a transition point,and I want to communicate. I have never tried a letter with H before. But he is much more visual/kinisthetic than auditory, so I believe many of my words spoken to him have gotten lost. There is only one part in my letter that I expect could be a real challenge for H though - as I will let him know that I will not be supporting the lies and witholds that have been occuring in our community of friends and family about what is happening in our M. I feel that it might be better to communicate where I am at, and what is changing on my end, than to just let him figure it out or be mad that I didn't let him know. He may get mad anyway, but oh well. It is time that I regain health and integrity in the relationships I have with the people we love (including his family). I have been burdened and worried also, and I need to let some of that go. It has been long enough for that.
Tomorrow I will find out about bereavement leave for a few days from work, and changing my flight if possible so I can say one final goodbye to my auntie, and see all the relatives and honor her before I fly east for work. I am hoping I can have it all, managing my work obligations and this important personal need.
Thank you all again for your kindnesses over these past few days. Coming here and finding messages from all of you makes such an amazing difference to me. Many blessings to all of you. More soon.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
so we all have time to enjoy each other too. we had a toast for my little auntie, in honor of her amazing crust, now my legacy too. my closest friends were here (the ones I consider family) and my D-24, foster-D's brother and new girlfriend, and a few friends of D's who just got back from a film shoot in Greece. Very happy group. Nice to have them in my space. Played croquet on the lawn, more food than one family gathering could possibly eat, and fireworks at the beach to cap it all off. Perfect weather, a perfect day. Although I missed H and he came up for me in my thoughts 1000 times today, I don't miss him in a way that prevents me from enjoying my life. It was precious today. And I don't miss H the way he is right now anyway. I miss the man I married. It was nice that everyone privately at one time or another come to me to talk about H and how he is doing, admitting their feelings of loss for him too. This helped me tremendously, to know that they miss him also and do not expect me to just forget about him and spend the day ignoring his absence, and knowing that they are grieving also and missing him helped me the most today. Everybody said how great I was doing, and admired the fact that I have compassion for H when it is so easy (even for them) to be angry, because he has abandoned all of us. It is interesting, I am very rarely mad at H now, and when I am it passes quickly. I remember being mad at H before, and it is so weird to think I have been healed of my "mad" at him this way. But I mostly miss him, and am sad for him - even sadder about what I feel may be coming for him. One friend (his closest male friend in our small group) can't get H to return a call or commit even to a lunch during this whole past 6 months. How painfully sad this is to hear about and witness. I believe H is heading for a big big bottoming out very soon. I believe the next 6 months will be really tough for him. 
