Oh, PL, I am feeling for you. You are grieving for the loss of your marriage and your H and feeling sad because you want so much to fix it and H won't cooperate. He does NOT think you are awful; it is guilt that is keeping him away. You have found your way and know exactly what you want, but don't forget he is still groping his way along the path. It is so hard to be patient and loving but if you become pushy and needy he will retreat further.
I hated OW too, so I also know that feeling. But remember it is not about her. She is just a fantasy that he thinks is a way to an easier life. But it isn't and sooner or later he will realize that.
Your grief is completely normal and I'm surprised you haven't let it go sooner. You can not keep a PMA all the time and you need to ALLOW yourself time to cry and long for all the things you are missing. This is how you work through it. Otherwise it stays bottled up and you start becoming bitter and resentful and mean and you hurt others and mostly you are not happy with yourself. You can't find any peace when you go around feeling like that. It is a really hard road you are on and a long one but try to stay on it; so far you are doing very well. Use this whole weekend to cry if you want to.
