Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB & lucyhelen,

Thank you both so much for writing to me. I wish I could say I am feeling better, but not yet. I went to church, hung out with my D-24, and we did an amazing garage clean up yesterday that is really really a transformation. These things "should be" helping, but still I feel distracted and stuck and so so sad. I am trying to do "nothing" right now in regards to H because I am quite sure I would say or do the wrong thing if I had any contact with H, SIL or anyone related to H. I am broken-hearted. I wanted to talk to SIL yesterday, but frankly chickened out, I was afraid I might push H over the edge becaue I am needy and was afraid it would come across and they would try to "help". I wish they could fix it. I wish someone could. I am afraid it will get back to H and he will blow up, and I am not sure I can stand any more rejection from him right now. I have decided to send SIL and family a package first (long overdue) and see if they follow up with a phone call or e-mail before I make contact to discuss the current sitch. So even that feels a bit "stuck" because I truly want to talk to SIL and MIL too, I really miss them. I still feel like I am dancing on eggshells around anything to do with H. And I don't know if there is a relationship with them if he leaves, and that makes me sad too. They are all so special to me. When I married H, they became my family too. I don't want to lose them. I am afraid.

What's got me is the holiday. I am a holiday person. I cried all around Easter time too. I can't believe H's not coming to be here in our home on the 4th. And I am feeling his absence in every bit of the preparations. He did the patio sweeping, clean up and set up before our guests would arrive. He would help with the BBQ. Of course I know I can do it all without him. But I DON'T WANT TO. I love him being in my life. He was my emotional support. I am missing him deeper than I have yet. The cool reception in his shop, and no phone calls, no contact from him, it's excruciating. I can't believe he would rather work and not see me, that that is better than spending time with me. How did I become so awful to him? How is it that he has met so many of my needs, and now he will not allow me to meet any of his? I want to pursue and force him to come home. I want to prove to him that he would like it better than what he is doing, if he just tried it at home again. I feel like he is just feeling guilty and punishing himself for what he has done, but it is at my expense. And I hate OW right now, for everything she has done to our family. She feels like the devil's spawn to me right now. I am so messed up. Crying, hurting. Sitting here sobbing. Just trying to manage myself. Best to do nothing until I can regain my center. I had a three hour cry yesterday, and a one hour cry today. Now I'm on my second one. Yesterday, D-24 had me sit in her lap and she petted me like I was her 3 year old; that helped believe it or not. But how messed up is that? I used to be the one who comforted everybody. I had no idea I was still this twisted about my sitch. No wonder D wants it to end. I just can't make it any faster than what it is. Maybe I've been in 100% denial for the past 6 months. And now I'm feeling it, that maybe he's never coming home again. And I've just been crying and crying for 2 days, I want my husband to come home. I can't believe this is happening. How can this be what my life looks like now? And for anyone who ever asks, being tangled up with a partner in MLC sucks, sucks, sucks.

I like it much better when I have PMA. Perhaps I have just been affected by my D's speeches, that he is never coming home again. I'd rather live in a PMA bubble than live like this. If this is the "truth" I don't want this. I want my husband to come home. Why can't I just have that?

I promise, I will be OK. I will keep going, do my homework, take care of myself. But I am just so so sad.