Well if our M has any hope of surviving, it is all up to me. I saw H today, dropped by the shop as planned. H went to a bar this morning at 8 am to see the Germany world cup game. This all must be very confusing for him, juggling these two worlds. I see him as trying really hard to make his R with OW real. There is no way on God's green earth that H would have ever done that before. I don't recall him ever taking a day off of work for a sporting event on TV in his life. In fact, in our entire marriage (which included the last world cup BTW) H has watched one soccer game with me on TV, and even then not the whole thing. Of course, he left this game when they were in double over time, and he found out later on the radio that Germany won. Jeez-Louise, if you're gonna skip work to watch a game, at least see the finale and win in the last 2 minutes, right? H is juggling. It is all going to come crashing down soon, I am sure. I can feel the tension.
H was very cool upon my arrival. Complimented me on looking "pretty springy" though. The guys in the other shop next door saw me arrive, that may have something to do with the coolness. He gave me a sideways hug when I arrived, then scurried into his shop pretty quickly. Gave me the checks. I asked if he was coming over for the 4th of July, he looked dazed and confused. "What's on the 4th?", he says. BBQ, peach pie, a few of our closest friends and family, croquet on the lawn... (We do this every year) "Oh, I don't think I can be around all those people. Too many people". OK, hon. Just call if you change your mind. I gave him the mail, H was excited about the citizenship papers and oath ceremony, wanted me to book a hotel in LA. "One night or two?", I ask. Deer in the headlights look. "I don't know"...
I am not sure if H is feeling guilty seeing me, or if his world is crashing down. It does affect me, I wish it didn't. It was a quick and unsatisfying visit. Other than the sideways hug, I have better interactions with bank tellers.
Then, I got in a fender bender in the parking lot of the bank. Big van with some kind of additional steel bar bumper about 6 inches on the outside of the regular bumper, with big curving hooks of the bars on the end. Below my line of vision, sticking out unexpectedly, caught my fender as I was pulling out and damaged the whole right front side. It's a 1987 BMW, so not so new, but believe it or not, this was my first ding on it. If I was to repair it, probably $3000 or more. Won't happen.
Called H and told him (we are still married after all). H asked if I was OK (good) then said, oh well, you were going to get a new car anyway. I am glad he is nice about it. But right now, buying a car would be on good looks and a prayer. This is the one thing H said he would do this year for me. And $5000 of windows in the yard, H promised he would put in, sitting outside since March with no money for an installer if H never gets to it. ACKK! He always sounds like he's there when I talk to him, but when I see him, he goes away somewhere. It is hard to trust his word in any arena right now. He seems really lost when he sees me, awkward. Perhaps I am looking really good to him, shaking up his world. I think he forgets if he doesn't see me. Then he sees me an poof, he looks lost. Worse each time. However, he seems to be retreating towards OW even further. I wonder when it will all blow up for him. I suspect it won't be pretty. I think I need to do my spending plan and prepare myself for the worst, just in case. I think bottom will be coming within a few months. I am a little sad today. I don't see anything else to do about H. All I can do is take care of me. He feels lost to me. I hope and pray it will not be forever.
Capper on this scorcher of a day: I arrive home, and there's a postcard from his mom, Oma, uncle and aunt and cousins, all signed. To both of us, of course. They don't know. And they were all together in Germany the same week H was in Germany with OW. His Oma is 95 and loves him dearly. It is all heart breaking for me today. I wish I could fix it.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well, for the first time in a long time, I was unable to sleep most of the night. D-24 and I had several conversations about H last night, and this is the hardest it's been for me. D can't stand the unsurety about our situation, but mostly she can't stand seeing me like this, wanting H to come home when he is behaving as he is. She is deeply sad and hurt by H's behavior, and is ready to see me kick him to the curb. She was very upset last night. I talked a little about MLC behavior, and she said "I don't care, it's just an excuse". She has not seen H in 4 weeks even though she is living right here in town during this time. She is very hurt. She said, "we're not his real kids and he can just walk away from us. He even walked away from his real kids in Germany, we're nothing to him." She was very strong with me. "He's never coming back. The man you married is gone forever. Even if he decided to stay married to you, he'll never be the same. He's gone." A lot of tears. D-24 had a dad that was not a dad to her. She grew up with me, it was the two of us until foster D at age 15. It was always a really happy childhood, really happy memories for her. But the dad thing was always kind of a "missing" as other people had dads and she had a dad who wasn't ever around (once every 2 - 3 years, he would visit for a day or so). She took on H as her dad when I married him. She said he was the dad she always wanted. However, she says it is not her loss and situation now that is so hard for her. She says she doesn't care about what has happened to her because of H. She can't stand what he has done "to me", how it has affected me. She can't stand how I have been for months, she can't stand my "obsessive focus" on what he says and does, and she just wants it to end. She says she wants us to be happy again. We have always been very happy, generated a lot of joy and celebration. She feels victimized and traumatized and wants it to end.
I admit this has been the saddest event of our lives. Even when my mom had Alzheimer's disease, and came to live with us until she died, we generated a lot of joy during that time. We still talk about it with humor, affection, and love. In this situation, I do not believe my H is healthy or making healthy choices, and he may even be a little mentally "off". But there are two things in this situation that have made it harder than any other. There is shame (on H's part), and there is secrecy. I think what works in life is open honest communication. Even about the hard stuff. We're all human after all, and feeling related and seeing each other as the imperfect but lovable creatures that we are is a good thing. That is missing here, and it closes all of the other possibilities down. I have been protecting H because of his shame. And I wanted to make sure I didn't make it harder for him to come home. But the price of my silence is getting higher. It is like we are caught in his "two worlds".
I have decided I am going to tell some of his family what is going on. The postcard yesterday cooked it for me. I can't live a charade. I am pretty much out of the picture in H's life, and pretending it is otherwise is not helping us. Also, I made a promise to my SIL when I married H that I would take care of him. H had been living with them before marrying me, and this was her request of me on our wedding day. She has always been straight with me. I need to tell her that I need support, and that I can't take care of him right now. Hopefully he will figure out how to take care of himself. Hopefully everything won't crumble. I have a responsibility right now to make sure that my life doesn't crumble. And H's behavior and the state of our M has taken too much of my time and energy. That's what D-24 is upset about. I'm pre-occuppied, disctracted and thrown by H too often, pretty much every time I have had contact lately. She's right, that does need to end. I talked to her about detachment, but obviously I have not mastered it well enough if my life is still so painful to witness.
I realized last night that even if H blew up upon finding out I have "talked" to SIL or others, that it would be a welcome relief to the freeze-out. Even if he stops paying into the household, we will find a way to make it. We did before and we can do it again. Even if he ends up pushing for a D, I can accept it. However, I will not seek it out. But something's gotta give here.
So I am contemplating talking to SIL today, and also writing a letter to his son as I said I would. I may also write a letter to H before I leave for my trip also. If these activities end up "putting pressure" on H that's just too bad. I need to get clear with people I have relationships with. It will not be my intention to pressure H, and I will even tell SIL that putting pressure on H or making him wrong or feel ashamed will not help. I just need out of the limited box of secrecy that H has been living in, and I need open communication with the people I care about. Secrecy and lies doesn't suit me, it is suffocating and disabling. I need to say what is going on. I don't even care about the consequences anymore. I just need to say what's so and begin to put an end to the devastation and suffering of my loved ones by shining the light so that I can heal and be myself again. D-24 is not the only one who is in pain. My other D, my closest friends - everyone who has witnessed H's behavior of late and my efforts in dealing with it, they are in pain or are upset. I woke up this morning realizing that I have to take the lead to move this forward for me. I need to be the leader in my family once again to get this solved for me. It would be nice if H came back home, and also realized how much I love him. That's what I have wanted from the beginning. But I have a responsibility that's bigger than my responsibility to him. I have a responsibility to be the best me I can be, and to demonstrate that. I'm raising the stakes. I just have to, for me. I'm a little scared - things may get worse before they get better. But oh well
If anyone has an opinion on all this, now's the time. Please.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
PL, I hate to say it, but you D needs to tell your H how she feels instead of dumping on you and bringing you down. My grandmother is telling me the same things, and I don't even want to talk to her anymore, because I just don't need to hear it.
I'm glad you are telling your SIL. The secrecy thing doesn't work for me either. Keeping it a secret almost makes it feel as if its your fault or something, like you have something to hide. Bearing this burden is hard enough without having to pretend.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
You and H have been separated for about six months, right? So my opinion is the same as yours. It's time to let his family know. This shows no signs of ending soon and it's unfair of H to expect you to keep doing this.
Too bad if he doesn't like it. He's done alot of things you don't like, too. I think it's time.
It's really hard not to focus on H when you love him. But keep trying because you can't fix him and you can't control him. The only one you can fix and control is you. You are obviously totally stressed out if D is noticing and being upset by it.
Hard situation! I got really really tired of being upbeat and comforting and keeping my mouth shut all the time so he could spend time and nights with OW. That's the hardest part to me. Sooner or later you can't do it anymore. No matter what the consequences are. Good luck in whatever you do!
Thank you both so much for writing to me. I wish I could say I am feeling better, but not yet. I went to church, hung out with my D-24, and we did an amazing garage clean up yesterday that is really really a transformation. These things "should be" helping, but still I feel distracted and stuck and so so sad. I am trying to do "nothing" right now in regards to H because I am quite sure I would say or do the wrong thing if I had any contact with H, SIL or anyone related to H. I am broken-hearted. I wanted to talk to SIL yesterday, but frankly chickened out, I was afraid I might push H over the edge becaue I am needy and was afraid it would come across and they would try to "help". I wish they could fix it. I wish someone could. I am afraid it will get back to H and he will blow up, and I am not sure I can stand any more rejection from him right now. I have decided to send SIL and family a package first (long overdue) and see if they follow up with a phone call or e-mail before I make contact to discuss the current sitch. So even that feels a bit "stuck" because I truly want to talk to SIL and MIL too, I really miss them. I still feel like I am dancing on eggshells around anything to do with H. And I don't know if there is a relationship with them if he leaves, and that makes me sad too. They are all so special to me. When I married H, they became my family too. I don't want to lose them. I am afraid.
What's got me is the holiday. I am a holiday person. I cried all around Easter time too. I can't believe H's not coming to be here in our home on the 4th. And I am feeling his absence in every bit of the preparations. He did the patio sweeping, clean up and set up before our guests would arrive. He would help with the BBQ. Of course I know I can do it all without him. But I DON'T WANT TO. I love him being in my life. He was my emotional support. I am missing him deeper than I have yet. The cool reception in his shop, and no phone calls, no contact from him, it's excruciating. I can't believe he would rather work and not see me, that that is better than spending time with me. How did I become so awful to him? How is it that he has met so many of my needs, and now he will not allow me to meet any of his? I want to pursue and force him to come home. I want to prove to him that he would like it better than what he is doing, if he just tried it at home again. I feel like he is just feeling guilty and punishing himself for what he has done, but it is at my expense. And I hate OW right now, for everything she has done to our family. She feels like the devil's spawn to me right now. I am so messed up. Crying, hurting. Sitting here sobbing. Just trying to manage myself. Best to do nothing until I can regain my center. I had a three hour cry yesterday, and a one hour cry today. Now I'm on my second one. Yesterday, D-24 had me sit in her lap and she petted me like I was her 3 year old; that helped believe it or not. But how messed up is that? I used to be the one who comforted everybody. I had no idea I was still this twisted about my sitch. No wonder D wants it to end. I just can't make it any faster than what it is. Maybe I've been in 100% denial for the past 6 months. And now I'm feeling it, that maybe he's never coming home again. And I've just been crying and crying for 2 days, I want my husband to come home. I can't believe this is happening. How can this be what my life looks like now? And for anyone who ever asks, being tangled up with a partner in MLC sucks, sucks, sucks.
I like it much better when I have PMA. Perhaps I have just been affected by my D's speeches, that he is never coming home again. I'd rather live in a PMA bubble than live like this. If this is the "truth" I don't want this. I want my husband to come home. Why can't I just have that?
I promise, I will be OK. I will keep going, do my homework, take care of myself. But I am just so so sad.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Sorry you're in *that* place right now. I truly wish I had more to say to you right now, but I don't. I don't really have much in me today. Pretty sick. Anyway, please, try to enjoy what you DO have and smile at least once today.
Quote: I am missing him deeper than I have yet. The cool reception in his shop, and no phone calls, no contact from him, it's excruciating. I can't believe he would rather work and not see me, that that is better than spending time with me. How did I become so awful to him?
PL, you know that the answer is the guilt he feels when he's around you. It is an enormous weight on him all the time. You can try to ease that burden for him, but sometimes that just makes it heavier. Relax ... and make sure your D understands that a divorce won't take away the pain, because it won't.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Oh, PL, I am feeling for you. You are grieving for the loss of your marriage and your H and feeling sad because you want so much to fix it and H won't cooperate. He does NOT think you are awful; it is guilt that is keeping him away. You have found your way and know exactly what you want, but don't forget he is still groping his way along the path. It is so hard to be patient and loving but if you become pushy and needy he will retreat further.
I hated OW too, so I also know that feeling. But remember it is not about her. She is just a fantasy that he thinks is a way to an easier life. But it isn't and sooner or later he will realize that.
Your grief is completely normal and I'm surprised you haven't let it go sooner. You can not keep a PMA all the time and you need to ALLOW yourself time to cry and long for all the things you are missing. This is how you work through it. Otherwise it stays bottled up and you start becoming bitter and resentful and mean and you hurt others and mostly you are not happy with yourself. You can't find any peace when you go around feeling like that. It is a really hard road you are on and a long one but try to stay on it; so far you are doing very well. Use this whole weekend to cry if you want to.
Sweetie, let it out. We must be on the same wavelength because the last few days I have been hit by profound sadness as well. Just at the loss...not really anger or anything.
I don't have real ill feelings for OW, just H....it's OUR life, I can't expect some other woman to care more than my H should have about his M status. Think of it that way. Keep the focus within your M.
I agree with lucy...you can't always keep the PMA...I get so distressed when I get sad and feel the pain, I guess I'm scared it won't ever end, and I hate feeling like the floor is falling out under me. I read your post and wept for an hour, I feel your pain.
You are an amazing woman. Let this out. Let it flow through you and make sure you don't hang onto any of it.
Wishes to you to hang in there and days get brighter. I hope you have a wonderful time with friends tomorrow.
