Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well, for the first time in a long time, I was unable to sleep most of the night. D-24 and I had several conversations about H last night, and this is the hardest it's been for me. D can't stand the unsurety about our situation, but mostly she can't stand seeing me like this, wanting H to come home when he is behaving as he is. She is deeply sad and hurt by H's behavior, and is ready to see me kick him to the curb. She was very upset last night. I talked a little about MLC behavior, and she said "I don't care, it's just an excuse". She has not seen H in 4 weeks even though she is living right here in town during this time. She is very hurt. She said, "we're not his real kids and he can just walk away from us. He even walked away from his real kids in Germany, we're nothing to him." She was very strong with me. "He's never coming back. The man you married is gone forever. Even if he decided to stay married to you, he'll never be the same. He's gone." A lot of tears. D-24 had a dad that was not a dad to her. She grew up with me, it was the two of us until foster D at age 15. It was always a really happy childhood, really happy memories for her. But the dad thing was always kind of a "missing" as other people had dads and she had a dad who wasn't ever around (once every 2 - 3 years, he would visit for a day or so). She took on H as her dad when I married him. She said he was the dad she always wanted. However, she says it is not her loss and situation now that is so hard for her. She says she doesn't care about what has happened to her because of H. She can't stand what he has done "to me", how it has affected me. She can't stand how I have been for months, she can't stand my "obsessive focus" on what he says and does, and she just wants it to end. She says she wants us to be happy again. We have always been very happy, generated a lot of joy and celebration. She feels victimized and traumatized and wants it to end.

I admit this has been the saddest event of our lives. Even when my mom had Alzheimer's disease, and came to live with us until she died, we generated a lot of joy during that time. We still talk about it with humor, affection, and love. In this situation, I do not believe my H is healthy or making healthy choices, and he may even be a little mentally "off". But there are two things in this situation that have made it harder than any other. There is shame (on H's part), and there is secrecy. I think what works in life is open honest communication. Even about the hard stuff. We're all human after all, and feeling related and seeing each other as the imperfect but lovable creatures that we are is a good thing. That is missing here, and it closes all of the other possibilities down. I have been protecting H because of his shame. And I wanted to make sure I didn't make it harder for him to come home. But the price of my silence is getting higher. It is like we are caught in his "two worlds".

I have decided I am going to tell some of his family what is going on. The postcard yesterday cooked it for me. I can't live a charade. I am pretty much out of the picture in H's life, and pretending it is otherwise is not helping us. Also, I made a promise to my SIL when I married H that I would take care of him. H had been living with them before marrying me, and this was her request of me on our wedding day. She has always been straight with me. I need to tell her that I need support, and that I can't take care of him right now. Hopefully he will figure out how to take care of himself. Hopefully everything won't crumble. I have a responsibility right now to make sure that my life doesn't crumble. And H's behavior and the state of our M has taken too much of my time and energy. That's what D-24 is upset about. I'm pre-occuppied, disctracted and thrown by H too often, pretty much every time I have had contact lately. She's right, that does need to end. I talked to her about detachment, but obviously I have not mastered it well enough if my life is still so painful to witness.

I realized last night that even if H blew up upon finding out I have "talked" to SIL or others, that it would be a welcome relief to the freeze-out. Even if he stops paying into the household, we will find a way to make it. We did before and we can do it again. Even if he ends up pushing for a D, I can accept it. However, I will not seek it out. But something's gotta give here.

So I am contemplating talking to SIL today, and also writing a letter to his son as I said I would. I may also write a letter to H before I leave for my trip also. If these activities end up "putting pressure" on H that's just too bad. I need to get clear with people I have relationships with. It will not be my intention to pressure H, and I will even tell SIL that putting pressure on H or making him wrong or feel ashamed will not help. I just need out of the limited box of secrecy that H has been living in, and I need open communication with the people I care about. Secrecy and lies doesn't suit me, it is suffocating and disabling. I need to say what is going on. I don't even care about the consequences anymore. I just need to say what's so and begin to put an end to the devastation and suffering of my loved ones by shining the light so that I can heal and be myself again. D-24 is not the only one who is in pain. My other D, my closest friends - everyone who has witnessed H's behavior of late and my efforts in dealing with it, they are in pain or are upset. I woke up this morning realizing that I have to take the lead to move this forward for me. I need to be the leader in my family once again to get this solved for me. It would be nice if H came back home, and also realized how much I love him. That's what I have wanted from the beginning. But I have a responsibility that's bigger than my responsibility to him. I have a responsibility to be the best me I can be, and to demonstrate that. I'm raising the stakes. I just have to, for me. I'm a little scared - things may get worse before they get better. But oh well

If anyone has an opinion on all this, now's the time. Please.