Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

Well if our M has any hope of surviving, it is all up to me. I saw H today, dropped by the shop as planned. H went to a bar this morning at 8 am to see the Germany world cup game. This all must be very confusing for him, juggling these two worlds. I see him as trying really hard to make his R with OW real. There is no way on God's green earth that H would have ever done that before. I don't recall him ever taking a day off of work for a sporting event on TV in his life. In fact, in our entire marriage (which included the last world cup BTW) H has watched one soccer game with me on TV, and even then not the whole thing. Of course, he left this game when they were in double over time, and he found out later on the radio that Germany won. Jeez-Louise, if you're gonna skip work to watch a game, at least see the finale and win in the last 2 minutes, right? H is juggling. It is all going to come crashing down soon, I am sure. I can feel the tension.

H was very cool upon my arrival. Complimented me on looking "pretty springy" though. The guys in the other shop next door saw me arrive, that may have something to do with the coolness. He gave me a sideways hug when I arrived, then scurried into his shop pretty quickly. Gave me the checks. I asked if he was coming over for the 4th of July, he looked dazed and confused. "What's on the 4th?", he says. BBQ, peach pie, a few of our closest friends and family, croquet on the lawn... (We do this every year) "Oh, I don't think I can be around all those people. Too many people". OK, hon. Just call if you change your mind. I gave him the mail, H was excited about the citizenship papers and oath ceremony, wanted me to book a hotel in LA. "One night or two?", I ask. Deer in the headlights look. "I don't know"...

I am not sure if H is feeling guilty seeing me, or if his world is crashing down. It does affect me, I wish it didn't. It was a quick and unsatisfying visit. Other than the sideways hug, I have better interactions with bank tellers.

Then, I got in a fender bender in the parking lot of the bank. Big van with some kind of additional steel bar bumper about 6 inches on the outside of the regular bumper, with big curving hooks of the bars on the end. Below my line of vision, sticking out unexpectedly, caught my fender as I was pulling out and damaged the whole right front side. It's a 1987 BMW, so not so new, but believe it or not, this was my first ding on it. If I was to repair it, probably $3000 or more. Won't happen.

Called H and told him (we are still married after all). H asked if I was OK (good) then said, oh well, you were going to get a new car anyway. I am glad he is nice about it. But right now, buying a car would be on good looks and a prayer. This is the one thing H said he would do this year for me. And $5000 of windows in the yard, H promised he would put in, sitting outside since March with no money for an installer if H never gets to it. ACKK! He always sounds like he's there when I talk to him, but when I see him, he goes away somewhere. It is hard to trust his word in any arena right now. He seems really lost when he sees me, awkward. Perhaps I am looking really good to him, shaking up his world. I think he forgets if he doesn't see me. Then he sees me an poof, he looks lost. Worse each time. However, he seems to be retreating towards OW even further. I wonder when it will all blow up for him. I suspect it won't be pretty. I think I need to do my spending plan and prepare myself for the worst, just in case. I think bottom will be coming within a few months. I am a little sad today. I don't see anything else to do about H. All I can do is take care of me. He feels lost to me. I hope and pray it will not be forever.

Capper on this scorcher of a day: I arrive home, and there's a postcard from his mom, Oma, uncle and aunt and cousins, all signed. To both of us, of course. They don't know. And they were all together in Germany the same week H was in Germany with OW. His Oma is 95 and loves him dearly. It is all heart breaking for me today. I wish I could fix it.