Positively new thread - how do you deal with this?

[PositivelyListening]

I called H on my lunch break today, to find out if I could by any chance pick up the anticipated household check a day early (tomorrow) instead of waiting until Saturday. I am glad I prepared my mental state in advance H was really really bubbly happy to hear my voice when he answered. H consistently seems to like it when I call, despite the fact that it may seem like from many of my posts that I need to back off. I guess finding that balance is key. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and only spoken to him once in that time, so I got that he is missing me right off. Well good. Of course, after the initial bubbliness, I was calling about "business" (picking up the check), and his tone went south. Almost an argument, but I am proud of how I handled it! Convo went something like this:

PL: I was wondering if it might be possible to pick up the household check from you tomorrow? I'm going to be in XX [town next to H's shop] for an appointment in the morning and could drop by after that. I know it's a day early for the check, but I have such a busy day planned on Saturday and need to get it deposited as I have a stack of bills to pay before I leave next week. Would that work for you?

H: I'm not sure. We also need to discuss the amount I'll be paying from now on. What amount were you thinking it would be? We haven't had that conversation, and we said we would after D's house sold.

PL: We have had that conversation several times. Three times. Do you want to talk about it again?

H: We have not had that conversation. What did we agree to?

PL: We agreed that as long as we were married, you would pay $1000 twice per month. I just paid the car insurance, medical and dental blah blah blah

H: We did not have the conversation about the amount. We said once D's house was sold, we would look at the expenses (which should be less now) and make an adjustment to what I would pay.

PL: [Waking up!] Oh, H, you are right. We did not have a conversation where we looked at our spending charts, and the numbers after the sale of the house. We just talked about it a few times casually without the chart in front of us. You're right. I'd be happy to have that conversation whenever you want to. Just let me know.

H: We should have it right away.

PL: You're right. Just let me know when. Meanwhile, I can count on you until we talk to do what we've been doing, right? Because if we change what we're doing, you wouldn't change it without letting me plan for it, right?

H: OK. Right. OK. So you can come by tomorrow. Please call before you come though, OK?

So I believe H is being very reasonable and helpful. He just wants more information. We have had the conversation 3 times about the amount, but not with facts and figures in front of him. There is a trust issue here, for both of us. H wants to know that H's money is going where he wants it to go. That is reasonable. I could take it as a control issue, and become controlling myself, and all would be lost. I needed to support H in feeling heard, and in the middle of our convo, when I heard the tense pissy-ness in his tone, I woke up. Yeah me.

So for now, I get the check. We will have a convo when H asks for it. The ball is in his court. Good. I will prepare the charts and update them for when he is ready. If we make a change, we will make it together. I can show H the facts and let H decide. I do not need to argue or defend. H cares about me. I need to let him be more in charge. OK.

I realized how hard it is for me to have a relationship with H that only includes the absolutely hardest most challenging aspect of my life ($$) - the thing that triggers my fear and angst the most, the thing I most want to control. I would like to have a whole relationship with H, that includes more fun, play and ease. But here's the cool thought: what if I could master the hardest thing for me (or the second hardest thing, since the A is really the hardest thing), in the absence of most of the "fun" things. Boy then trust would be built, and confidence, for both of us. I think at some point H just can't help but see how great I am. Oh DBing I love you. I am growing.

H wanted to get off the phone after the above, and I said "Are you busy - do you have to go?" and he said, "No, why?" with still a bit of a reserved untrusting tone. And I had a chat with him about the other "business" thing I thought he would like better, about D-24's stuff getting moved on Saturday, temporarily to our garage from the storage unit, as a way to save $$. He seemed eager to help, forgot that D had called him, decided that it would be easier and cheaper for us to look into renting a bigger truck for the day, instead of 8 trips back and forth with gas prices the way they are and all with his smaller truck. Okie dokie, will do.

Miracle: H called back 1/2 hour later. Said he talked to D-24 and decided he would give her the $$ for the month for the storage unit, to save us all a lot of time and hassle since I am leaving on my trip next week, he has a lot of work, and we would have to move it again in a few weeks or a month anyway. He told me he did not want me to worry, that everything is going to be OK. I told him how much I appreciate him. Good idea H, I appreciate him so much, and everything he does. All that. Then, we ended up talking more, about the TV I left for him and how to hook it up. [H was having trouble, I am generally the more technically savvy one]. We had a complete misunderstanding in our communication about what he was trying to do, which got very frustrating for H until I made a joke about it and started laughing about the trouble we were having communicating. I finally got him lightened up (and not taking it personally that he was being not understood - a usual trigger and frustration for him) and eventually laughing about it too. And a "see you tomorrow. bye sweetheart" from H at the end.

So... I think I am doing good. As far as I can tell, completely dark is not the road to H's heart. DBing is. As long as I can keep my center, stay lovingly detached, no expectations, I am good. Chuck [DB coach] says to let H be around when I laugh, because I have a great attitude and a great laugh. I can do that! I truly believe H loves me. I truly believe that H wants more than anything to be a good guy. I want to facilitate that, not block it. I also truly believe, if I can do this long enough, that OW is going to fade out like old news. She is not important in the big picture. OW is not his future, I am. OW is just H making sure that he didn't make a mistake when he married me, didn't miss something better, going back to his roots for one more look, making sure he didn't box himself into the wrong life. OW is MLC fodder, nothing more. It doesn't matter how it looks right now. I am still making progress. Everything I say, everything I do, every effort I make, WILL SINK IN.

Tomorrow I am going to see H. Drop into the shop. Looking cute and happy. I will invite him to the 4th of July party at our house. H loves my home-made peach pie, every year he says it's the best. Our loved ones will be there, croquet on the lawn, fireworks. H wants to know he matters, that he is important. I can do this. It's true.